To Be A Cat

Barney’s Totally Terrible Birthday Timetable

8.30 a.m.–9 a.m.

Barney walked with Rissa to school. He got splashed by the school bus. Everyone on the bus looked out of the window and laughed at him, including Gavin Needle, who shouted, ‘Mind the puddle!’ and laughed as if he’d just told The Best Joke Ever.

9 a.m.–9.30 a.m.

The deputy head, Mr Waffler, broke his own World’s Most Boring Assembly record for the third time in a year, with a talk about the various types of moss he discovered while on holiday in the Lake District.

9.30 a.m.–10.30 a.m.

Maths. (As in, maths.)

10.30 a.m.–11 a.m.

Break. In which a perfectly nice conversation with Rissa was interrupted by Gavin Needle shouting, ‘Is that your girlfriend?’ To which Barney decided to foolishly answer, ‘No,’ for Gavin to shout back, ‘I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Rissa.’ And Barney was left with nothing to say except, ‘Funny,’ in a rather quiet voice.

11 a.m.–midday

Geography. In which Gavin displayed his usual virtuosity by pulling Barney’s chair back while Mrs Fossil talked about volcanoes.

Midday–1 p.m.

Barney spent lunch hour eating overcooked bolognese and undercooked spaghetti. He chatted to Rissa as she explained some stuff about stars and about how the sun – our closest star – was growing all the time and would one day turn into something called a red giant and destroy the earth. Which would have been interesting if Barney hadn’t felt a different kind of heat – that caused by Miss Whipmire’s glare – burning the back of his neck as she stared at him through the little window in the canteen door.

1 p.m.–2 p.m.

English. During which Mr Waffler waffled about Barney’s poor marks. (‘Such a shame for a boy of such fine imagination.’)

2 p.m.–3 p.m.

IT. In which Gavin and his friends seemed to be planning something, as they visited the catchily-titled website: www.waystogetpeoplecalledbarneywillowin-totrouble.com.

3 p.m.–4 p.m.

French. During which Gavin and his friends were mysteriously absent. At about 3 p.m. Barney went to the toilet. Then, while he was walking along the corridor, the fire alarm went off. Barney turned to see Miss Whipmire glaring at him.

‘You are in big trouble, Barney Willow!’

‘It wasn’t me! You can see I’m nowhere near a fire alarm.’

But ten minutes later, with everyone lined up on the field, Miss Whipmire walked over to Barney Willow and harshly whispered into his ear the three most terrifying words in the universe.

‘My office. Now.’