Whirlwind Wedding

Chapter 18

The vision slipped into Elizabeth's slumber with the stealth of a master thief.

Images weaved through the shadowy recesses of her mind curling like vaporous plumes of smoke only to dance just out of reach.

A child. A beautiful little girl with shiny ebony curls and bright, gray eyes. Running, laughing, calling, "Mama!"

Then the vision changed. Laughter turned to fear. The child's terrified screams filled Elizabeth's mind reverberating through her, filling her with dread.

The child's angelic face turned to a pale mask of fright. Womanly hands reached out to her, but the child seemed to glide farther out of reach, until she disappeared completely from sight, leaving only the echo of her sobs.

Then Austin, torn apart with such grief, such desolation and guilt, that Elizabeth barely recognized him. His voice was a ragged whisper, I cannot live without her… please God, don't tell me I've killed her by bringing her here.

Elizabeth awoke with a startled gasp. Her heart slammed against her ribs and her lungs burned as if she'd run for miles. Yet she felt chilled down to her very soul.

Her eyes sought out Austin, who lay in peaceful slumber next to her. Thank goodness he was asleep, for she was incapable of speaking.

But dear God she would have to tell him.

He had to know that she'd seen the death of a child.

A child whose death he would blame himself for.

A child with his ebony hair and gray eyes.

His child.

Their child.

Austin opened one eye. From the sliver of pale light peeking through the burgundy velvet curtains, he judged it was just after dawn-a perfectly respectable time to awaken his bride with soft kisses, gentle lovemaking, and tender confessions of love.

Turning his head he discovered his bride on the other side of his massive bed lying curled on her side, facing away from him. Too far away to touch.

Acute disappointment flooded him, and he nearly laughed aloud at himself. Bloody hell, what a besotted lovesick individual he'd become. And in an appallingly short period of time. No doubt I'll be spouting poetry by dinner. Sonnets by sundown. A chuckle rumbled in his chest. Yes, indeed, he could all but picture himself, down on one knee, passionately reciting "Ode to Elizabeth."

He had only to shift closer to be able to wrap his arms around her, feel her warmth, but he knew once he did that, there would be no more slumber for her. Don't be selfish. Let her sleep. Clasping his hands behind his head he forced himself to remain where he was and not disturb her rest, at least for a few more minutes. Yes, he'd simply lie here and marvel at how this woman had so drastically changed his life. And all of it for the better.

He imagined the ribbing he was going to receive from both Miles and Robert when they realized the "Notorious Duke of Bradford" had fallen under his own wife's spell. And they absolutely would realize it because it would be impossible for him to hide his love for Elizabeth.

And he didn't even want to try. Of course, it was highly unfashionable to be in love with one's own wife, but he couldn't have cared less.

A grin he couldn't suppress eased across his face. Yes, Robert and Miles would needle him unmercifully. But I'll have my revenge when love bites them on their unsuspecting arses. And it will. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

He couldn't wait another minute to touch her.

He wouldn't wake her… he'd simply hold her. Moving carefully, he slid across the bed until he lay behind her, then eased his arm around her waist.

The instant he touched her, she gasped.

"Good morning, love," he said pressing a kiss to her shoulder. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"I… I thought you were asleep."

"I was. But now I'm awake. And so are you. Hrnmm." He buried his face in her hair and breathed in her lilac scent. Slipping his arm more snugly around her, he eased her closer, molding her back to his front.

He stilled when she stiffened in his embrace. "Don't," she whispered. Before he could ask her what was wrong, she pulled from his embrace and sat up, covering herself with the counterpane.

He quickly sat up. "Elizabeth? Are you all right?"

When she didn't answer, he cupped her chin, gently turning her averted face until she looked at him.

She was crying. Her eyes looked like huge, golden brown wells of hurt. The usual warmth that shimmered in her gaze was gone, replaced by an utterly bleak expression that broke his heart.

He let go of her chin and gripped her arms. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

Instead of answering his question, she simply looked at him with those pain-filled eyes. Something akin to panic slithered down his back.

He gave her a tiny shake. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I… I have something to tell you."

"About William?"

"No. About me."

Ah. So that's what this was about. Clearly she was finally going to share her secrets with him… explain why she'd left America so suddenly.

Relief edged aside his alarm and he relaxed his hold on her arms. Obviously she trusted him enough to bare her soul. And if she trusted him… wasn't it logical that love would soon follow?

God was she going to tell him she loved him? And if so, she was no doubt agonizing over the decision because she didn't know how he felt about her. Because she'd never heard him tell her. She was probably afraid that he'd reject her love.

But that was a fear he could place to rest with three simple words.

"Elizabeth, I I-" "I lied to you."

Definitely not the words he'd hoped or expected to hear. "I beg your pardon?"

Instead of answering, she eased herself from his grasp and picked up his shirt from the floor. Slipping on the garment, she gathered the edges together, then passed him his silk robe. He shrugged into it and knotted the sash, watching her inch away from him. Only when several feet separated them did she speak again. "I lied to you about why I'm here in England."

"Indeed? You did not come to visit your aunt?"

"No. I came here to live with her."

"Darling, I'd hardly call that a lie." He reached for her, but she shook her head and stepped away from him.

"You don't understand. I had to come here. I didn't want to, but I had nowhere else to go."

"What do you mean?"

She drew a deep breath. "After my father's death, I couldn't bear living alone in our house. An unmarried woman living alone bordered on impropriety, and in truth I was horribly lonely. Distant cousins on my father's side, the Longrens, resided in the same town and they invited me to live with them. It seemed a perfect solution as I loved them dearly and their daughter Alberta was my closest friend so I sold my house and moved in with them."

He recognized the name Longren as the one that Miles had reported to him. "Go on."

"I loved being part of their family, and the younger children, rascals all three of them, were delights. For almost two years everything was wonderful." She twisted her fingers together and looked at the carpet. "Then Alberta met David."

He watched her, forcing himself to remain silent, to allow her to tell him her tale.

"David moved to town from Boston where he'd worked at a livery. He was wonderful with horses and a talented farrier, and Mr. Longren immediately hired him on at his livery. David was a very attractive young man, and all the ladies were quite smitten with him."

Austin's hands clenched. "Including you?"

"I must admit, the first time I met him, I thought him handsome and charming." She paused then added in a quiet voice, "But then I touched him."

"What did you see?"

"Lies. Deceit. Nothing specific, but I knew he was not as he seemed. I forced myself to shrug it off. After all, as long as he worked hard for Mr. Longren, it was not my business if he'd lied in the past. I convinced myself he was making a fresh start and deserved a second chance. But several weeks later, Alberta told me that she was in love. With David."

She began pacing. "I was very concerned. I gently told her that she didn't know him very well, but she wouldn't listen to me. No one in the town, including Alberta, knew anything about my visions. I experienced them infrequently, and as you yourself know, they are not easy to believe in or accept. I therefore hesitated to tell her, especially when what I'd felt had been so vague. And I certainly did not want to destroy Alberta's happiness if I was wrong.

"I needed to know more, to find out if he was indeed dishonorable. I needed to touch him again, or at least something that belonged to him." She drew a shaky breath then continued in an agitated voice. "The next day I visited the livery and spoke to David. I touched his tools and even managed to hold his hand under the guise of examining a cut on his finger. And my suspicions were confirmed."

"What had he done?"

"I didn't know exactly, but I knew he'd left Boston in disgrace. I knew he was a liar and a cheat. I knew he needed money and the Longrens were financially well off. But worst of all, I knew he was going to break Alberta's heart. I prayed her feelings toward him would change, but two weeks later she and David announced they planned to marry. In one month."

Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't know what to do. She was so in love with him, but she was making a terrible mistake. Again I tried to warn her gently but to no avail. Finally, the day before the wedding, I told her… not that I'd had a vision… but that I had reason to believe David was dishonest and not the man for her. That he would bring her nothing but heartache."

The anguish in her voice ripped at him. "What did she say?"

A humorless sound erupted from her throat. "She flatly refused to listen. She then accused me of being jealous, of wanting David for myself. He'd told her how I'd visited him at the livery and he'd apparently convinced her that I'd gone there in the hopes of winning him for myself. I could not believe that she would think that of me, but she did."

"Did you tell her about your visions?"

"I tried but she wouldn't listen to another word. She was so angry with me for trying to ruin her happiness and wanting the man she loved. She told me she didn't want me at her wedding. Didn't want me in her life." Stopping directly in front of him, she stared at him with tear-filled eyes that twisted his insides. "She told me to pack my things and leave her family's house."

"Elizabeth." He reached for her, but she stepped farther away from him.

"Maybe if I'd told her about the vision from the start, she would have believed me. I don't know. But I vowed right then and there that I would never remain silent about another one-not if it involved someone's happiness." She spread her arms in a defeated helpless gesture. "I did not experience another vision until the night I met you. That is why I told you about seeing William."

After squeezing her eyes shut for a brief moment, she continued "Mr. and Mrs. Longren were surprised I was leaving, but their allegiance was to Alberta and she was adamant that I go. I knew deep down she was hurting, too. She loved me, but she loved David more. I packed my things and departed that same afternoon. I left Patch with them. He was too old to travel and the younger children loved him as much as I did."

Her voice cracked and he imagined her leaving, alone and filled with despair. Bloody hell, his chest ached and his heart simply broke for her. "What did you do?"

"I walked to town and withdrew my savings from the bank. I had nowhere to go, and I wanted to get away, as far away as possible. I arranged transportation to the coast. When I arrived I booked passage on The Starseeker and hired a traveling companion. I sent a letter to Aunt Joanna advising her of my arrival. I am fortunate and forever grateful that she was willing to take me in."

"Do you know what happened to Alberta and David?"

"No. I pray every day for their happiness, but I know it is only a matter of time before Alberta's heart is broken."

He had no idea what to say to her, how to comfort her, but he knew he had to try. The torment in her eyes was killing him. "I'm so sorry you were hurt like that, darling," he said "but as sad as leaving your home was, it did bring us together." He held out his band to her.

She stared at it blankly for a moment, then raised her gaze to his. Her expression actually frightened him. It looked as if all the life, all the energy and vitality, had been drained from her, leaving unspeakable anguish and guilt in its wake.

"There's more, Austin. I had another vision. Last night."

He slowly lowered his hand. "What did you see?"

"I saw someone dying."

Her agony was so palpable, he could all but see it flowing off her in waves. "Who?"

"It was our child, Austin."

He actually felt the blood drain from his head. "Our child? How do you know?"

"A little girl. She looked just like you, with ebony curls and beautiful gray eyes." Walking forward with jerky steps, she grasped his arms, her fingers digging into his skin. "Do you understand what I'm saying? I saw the future. We had a child. She was about two years old. And she died."

His mind reeled from the impact of her words. "Surely you're mistaken."

"No. I saw it. And I cannot allow it to happen. I cannot allow our child to die."

Drawing a deep breath, he tried to think clearly, but it didn't even occur to him to doubt her premonition. "All right. We won't allow it to happen. You've forewarned us, so we'll be prepared. She'll be watched every moment of every day. Nothing will happen to her."

"Don't you see? I cannot take that risk. I've already lost my parents, the Longrens, and Alberta. I cannot bear to lose someone else I love-our child. Nor can I bear to watch you suffer her death." She stared at him for several heartbeats. "There is only one way to ensure that our child does not die… and that is to not have a child."

Not have a child? Of course they would have a child. Many children. Sons with her keen intelligence and beautiful daughters with their mother's hair. "What are you saying?"

Letting go of his arms, she turned toward the window. He stared at her profile and listened to her flat-voiced words. "I cannot have a child with you. I refuse to have a child with you. The only way to ensure that I don't is to cease being a wife to you. Naturally, I do not expect you to live with such an untenable arrangement. I realize the importance of an heir to a man in your position." She raised her chin a notch, but her voice fell to a shaky whisper. "I therefore wish to end our marriage."

He froze, unable to comprehend her words for a full minute. Finally, he found his voice.

"Such drastic measures are not necessary, Elizabeth."

"I'm afraid they are. I cannot ask you to accept a wife who will not share your bed."

His hands fisted at his sides, but he managed to keep his voice calm. "There is no reason for me to accept a wife who will not share my bed. There are ways to prevent pregnancy-if that is ultimately what we decide to do."

"You are not listening to me, Austin. I have already decided. I will not risk becoming pregnant."

"I promise you we can find a way-"

"You cannot possibly hope to keep such a promise for a lifetime? She turned to look at him and the cold determination in her eyes chilled him. "Why can you not simply accept my decision?"

A bark of disbelief erupted from him. "Simply accept that you want to end our marriage? I'm stunned that you would even consider such a thing… giving up like this. Surely our marriage means more to you than that."

"We both know you married me only because you believed you had to."

"And we both know that nothing could have forced me to marry you had I not wanted to." Closing the distance between them, he gently took her by the shoulders. "Elizabeth. It doesn't matter why we married. What matters is how we feel about each other and what we make of our life together. We can make this marriage strong enough to survive anything."

"But surely you want to have children."

"Yes. I do. Very much." He gazed at her steadily. "With you."

She inhaled sharply. "I'm sorry. I cannot. I will not."

Silence stretched between them. He tried to reconcile this coldly resolute, distant woman with his warm, loving Elizabeth, and could not. Forcing words through his tight throat, he said "I understand you're upset about this vision, but you can't let it destroy what we have together. I won't allow it." He cupped her face between his palms. "I love you, Elizabeth. I love you. And I won't let you go."

Every drop of color seeped from her face. He searched her eyes, and for an instant stark, raw pain emanated from their depths. She turned away from him, and it appeared as if she were choking back tears. But when she faced him again, her expression had hardened. Grim determination replaced the pain and she pulled away from him.

"I'm sorry, Austin. Your love isn't enough."

Those words slapped him right in the heart. Left him bleeding. God Almighty, if he'd been able to draw a deep enough breath, he would have laughed at the irony of this. After waiting a lifetime to give a woman his love, she'd tossed it aside like an unwanted trinket. Your love isn't enough.

"Even if you are willing to live with such an arrangement," she continued in that same flat voice, "I am not. I want children in my life."

He somehow found his voice. "You just said you didn't."

"No. I said I cannot have children with you.. . but I could with someone else. It was my child with you who died."

Everything inside him went rigid. Surely he'd heard her incorrectly. "Elizabeth, you don't know what you're saying. You cannot possibly mean-"

"I know exactly what I'm saying." Lifting her chin a notch, she regarded him with uncharacteristic coolness. "While I fancied being a duchess, I never dreamed that the title would cost me having children. It's not a price I'm willing to pay."

"What the hell are you talking about?" he bit out. "You had no wish to become a duchess."

She raised her brows. "I'm not a fool, Austin. What woman wouldn't want to be a duchess?"

Her words settled on him like a blanket of ice, freezing him to the bone. He didn't want to believe what she was saying, but she was clearly serious.

He was stunned. Numb. Bringing his hand to his chest, he rubbed where his heart should be. And felt nothing. All his newfound hopes and dreams slipped away, blowing like ashes in the wind. She didn't love him. Didn't want him. Didn't want his children. Or their marriage. She wanted to share her life with someone else… anyone else. Just not him.

The numbness suddenly fled and warring emotions pummeled him. Disillusionment. Anger. And a hurt that cut so deep he felt sliced in two. Jesus. What a fool I've been.

He forced himself to push the hurt aside, to concentrate on the anger, letting it pump through him, heating his frozen veins.

"I believe I'm beginning to understand" he said in a voice so raw he barely recognized it. "In spite of your protestations to the contrary, you actually had designs on gaining a title. Now you wish to end our marriage, seemingly out of concern for me, but in truth you want to be free to marry someone else so you can bear children. His children."

Her face paled at his tone, but her gaze remained steady on his. "Yes. I want our marriage annulled."

Fury and gut-wrenching hurt collided in him, rocking his foundation. God damn it, what a superb actress his wife was! Her concern, her caring… it was all a facade. All this time he'd thought her sincere and trustworthy, innocent and guileless, and most laughable of all, unselfish. She was no better than the fortune-hunting females who had dogged his heels for years. He could not believe she had the nerve, the gall, to stand in front of him and claim she wanted to end their marriage for his happiness when what she really wanted was another husband for herself.

But what fueled his rage to the boiling point was the thought of her with another man. That image filled him with such violence, he nearly choked. Yet he welcomed the rage, for without it, the raw hurt would simply overwhelm him.

"Look at me," he ordered in a voice that dripped ice.

When she continued to stare toward the window, he grabbed her chin and forced her head around. "Look at me, damn it." She met his gaze with a cool detachment that infuriated him. There was nothing in her expression to indicate she was the woman he'd made love with only hours ago. How had she hidden this side of herself from him? How the hell had she fooled him so completely? It took every ounce of restraint he possessed not to shake her.

"You missed your calling, my dear. You could have been superb on the stage. You certainly had me convinced that you were all things good and decent. But clearly you are nothing more than a common schemer and accomplished liar. Your refusal to be a proper wife to me is certainly ample grounds for me to rid myself of you." He dropped her chin as if she'd scorched him.

Her face turned to chalk. "You'll agree to an annulment?"

"No, Elizabeth. I shall demand an annulment-as soon as I've ascertained that you are not already carrying my child. For the next two months you shall reside at my estate just outside London. That should be sufficient time to determine if you are pregnant or not."

Stark fear slashed across her features. She obviously hadn't considered that the damage might have already been done. "And if I'm not?"

"Then our marriage will end."

"What if I am… with child?"

"Then we'll be forced to endure this sham marriage. Whether you choose to stay or leave after the baby's birth-"

"I could never abandon my child."

A bitter laugh escaped him. "Really? You're certainly willing to abandon your commitment to our marriage. Given that fact, I'm not sure what you are capable of."

Something flashed in her eyes, and for a moment he thought she meant to argue, but she merely pressed her lips together.

"One more thing," he said. "I shall expect you to behave with the utmost propriety during the next two months. You will speak of this to no one and you will do nothing to bring shame upon me or my family. Do you understand? I'll not have my wife bearing some other man's child."

Again he thought he detected a flash of raw pain in her eyes, but she merely lifted her chin and said "I will not be unfaithful."

"You're damned right, you won't. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get dressed. I'll make the necessary arrangements for your stay in the country."

"What about me helping you find William?"

"If you see anything else, send me a message. I shall conduct my own investigation from here. Without you."

Striding across the room, he opened the adjoining door to her bedchamber. She stood still for several heartbeats, her gaze riveted on his, her expression unreadable. Then she swiftly crossed the room and walked into her chamber. Austin closed the door after her and very deliberately turned the lock into place. The click reverberated through the sudden silence.

Alone in his chamber, he braced his fists against the door and closed his eyes against the emotions battling inside him, stabbing him, consuming him, overwhelming him until he wanted to scream. Half of him was furious. Coldly, darkly furious.

The other half of him hurt so badly he nearly fell to his knees. There was an empty hole in his chest where his heart had beaten only minutes before. Before Elizabeth had torn it out with her bare hands and sliced it in two.

Before he'd met her, he'd been only half a man, existing yet not living. She'd made him whole with her sweetness and innocence, laughter and love… but they didn't really exist. He'd never thought a woman would want him for himself, but he'd believed Elizabeth had. He'd never thought he'd fall in love, but he had with a heart and soul he'd thought gone forever.

Walking to the window, he pulled the curtain aside, and looked with unseeing eyes out the window at a world suddenly gone bleak.

She'd made him love her.

And it was all an illusion.

Until Elizabeth, he'd never carried around hopes and dreams for his future. He'd been consumed by the secrets he carried inside and had moved from one meaningless affair to another, from one club to the next, from one boring party to another.

But she'd changed him. She'd turned him from that cynical, detached lonely man into someone with hope for the future… a future filled with happiness, a loving wife, and fine, healthy children.

And now all his newly found hopes and dreams were gone. Vanished. Shattered. She'd said she couldn't bear to lose someone else she loved-yet she was willing to lose him. And that left no doubt what her feelings toward him were.

God Almighty, if he didn't hurt so damn bad if he wasn't so racked with pain and anguish, he could almost laugh. The "incomparable, invulnerable" Duke of Bradford brought to his knees by a woman… a woman he'd thought was the answer to all his dreams. Dreams he hadn't even known he had.

Instead she'd turned out to be his worst nightmare.

Elizabeth stared numbly at the door Austin had just closed and listened to the lock fall into place with a click that echoed in her mind like a death knell.

Just as she wondered if she'd ever feel anything again, pain ripped through her, exploding everywhere, searing her very skin. Clapping her hands over her mouth to contain a cry of anguish, she sank to her knees on the floor.

Never, ever, would she forget the look on his face, the gentle tenderness her words had turned into bitterness; the warmth changed into icy indifference; the caring into loathing.

Dear God she loved him so much. So much that she couldn't bear to give him a child who would die. She'd never make him understand that he would blame himself for their daughter's death, and that his guilt and anguish would destroy him. That he would never recover.

She'd paid with her soul to offer him his freedom. But the cost to her did not matter. An honorable man like Austin would balk at ending their union, would have consigned himself to enduring a lifetime with her and a childless marriage. A celibate marriage. He deserved happiness, a proper wife, children to love. She would have said anything to convince him. And she had.

A bitter laugh erupted from her throat as she recalled her words. I fancied being a duchess… I cannot have children with you… but I could with someone else. It was my child with you who died.

Those lies had cost her everything. The man she loved. Children. She could never, would never, be with any other man. She'd nearly choked on the words I fancied being a duchess. She'd said them as a last resort, when it became clear that he wasn't going to accept her decision unless she extinguished every bit of caring he had for her. And now he believed her to be nothing more than a scheming fortune hunter and a liar. The effort of keeping her anguish hidden, of making him believe she'd wanted a title, wanted a life without him, had nearly killed her.

But then he'd made it so much worse with his declaration of love. I love you, Elizabeth. She couldn't contain the tortured sob that rose from her chest. How much more pain could she bear before she simply shattered? To have longed for the precious gift of his love, to have been given that gift, then to have had to destroy it… to see that love fade from his eyes, replaced by hurt, then anger and disgust… Dear God how was she going to survive this?

And what if it was all for naught?

What if she were already pregnant?