War Torn

Chapter Fifty-eight

‘HELLO, MOTHER. HELLO, BABY.’Jenny opened her eyes.‘You were asleep.’‘Leanne, hi. I wasn’t asleep, I just fed her and closed my eyes for a minute.’‘How’s the world’s most adorable little girl?’Jenny smiled. ‘Adorable. Very quiet and content.’‘I didn’t bring Vicky.’‘Is she OK?’‘Having a great time with two nanas fighting over her.’‘Where are the twins?’‘Dave’s mum took them with Vicky to the rec. She’ll be in to see you later.’‘They said I could stay a day or two longer. Or I could go home. Think I’m naughty for staying?’Leanne lowered her body onto the bedside.‘I think you’d be naughty not to.’‘If it wasn’t for Vicks I could move in here.’Jenny felt Leanne’s weight tip the bed dangerously. Leanne was getting bigger and bigger. She noticed how flesh was gradually swallowing the features of her friend’s face.‘I’ll take a picture or two and email them to Dave,’ Leanne said. ‘Then when he gets back to the FOB he’ll have a whole collection.’‘Does anyone know when they get back?’‘Nope, but when they do the first thing that’s going to happen is Dave’ll phone you.’Jenny felt a waterfall feeling inside her chest. She was getting used to the feeling, which was nothing to do with her milk coming in. It was the familiar sensation of sadness sweeping through her body. Because a baby had been born and the baby’s dad probably didn’t even know.‘Watched the news?’ asked Leanne cautiously, and now there was another sensation in Jenny’s body, the one where everything curled itself up into a ball. This was fear. The TV news, with its sketchy reports of dead soldiers, no names or details, always generated anxiety. Which was why she tried not to watch it in the hospital.Leanne saw her face and said quickly: ‘No one’s dead.’But Jenny could not relax until she knew. She waited, her body stiff with tension.‘Something’s happened and Adi thinks it happened to our lads.’The baby rearranged herself in her cot. Leanne paused. Both women turned to watch silently until the tiny body was still again.‘The Taliban have taken a hostage. A civilian oil worker. Adi thinks 1 Platoon were supposed to be guarding him.’Jenny groaned.‘Dave’s in trouble then?’‘Maybe.’The news didn’t seem to bother Leanne much. She was looking in her big, shapeless handbag for something. Why should she care if 1 Platoon was in trouble? thought Jenny. Steve was at Headley Court and Leanne had enough troubles of her own.‘How is he?’ she asked.‘Who?’ Leanne had the contents of the handbag out on the bed now. Along with the notebook, chewing gum, chocolate wrappers, makeup, tissues, old receipts and the keys with the SpongeBob SquarePants keyring, were balls of Play Doh and a toy car.‘Your Steve.’Leanne found her phone and threw everything else back into the handbag.‘Say cheeeeese . . .’ She held the phone up at arm’s length.‘Wait!’ Jenny began to rearrange her hair. Then she smiled at the lens, remembering that she was smiling for Dave. She tried to make her eyes talk. I love you, I miss you, why aren’t you here?Leanne clicked and then took a few of the sleeping baby.‘So?’ demanded Jenny.‘So what?’‘You don’t want to tell me, do you? About Steve? When you went up to Headley Court yesterday?’Leanne sat back down on the bed heavily and Jenny felt it tip again.‘It was fucking awful.’‘His leg, you mean?’‘His attitude. He keeps saying really shitty things. About my weight. Like I’m totally unfanciable.’‘Steve probably feels totally unfanciable with only one leg,’ Jenny said softly. ‘But he’s pushing it off onto you.’‘Well, if he wants a sex life he’s not going the right way about it.’‘You’ve got a really strong marriage, you two. I know you can get over this one.’‘We used to have a really strong marriage. Now there’s me, him and his fucking injury. Who was it said that marriages get a bit crowded when there’s three of you?’‘I bet he was pleased to see you, though?’Leanne’s face began to look rubbery. Jenny knew what was coming next. Tears. ‘Jen, I don’t want him to come back. I want him to stay at Headley bloody Court for ever.’‘Oh, Leanne, you don’t mean that.’‘I do! He was a right bastard. Nice for five minutes but he had the TV on and he didn’t turn it off when we came in. Then one of the boys walked in front of the screen. And that was it. He was yelling and screaming and shouting. Using really bad language. Ethan didn’t know what he’d done, poor little love.’Jenny guessed that Leanne had already cried today. She looked full of pain as though she hadn’t cried enough and now she wanted to cry some more.‘Was he ever like this before?’ she asked.‘Well, you knew him, Jen.’‘Not behind closed doors I didn’t. Was he ever horrible when you were all at home together?’‘He was no saint. He had no patience. He’d snap. He had his limits and I learned not to go near them. But this isn’t snapping, Jen. I swear he wants to hit us. You should see his face. One minute he’s chatting away, the next he’s all twisted up with anger.’‘Maybe he only lets it go when you’re around because he knows he can with you. Because he loves you and trusts you.’Tears fell down Leanne’s cheeks. She said: ‘If this is love, I don’t need it.’‘How are you around him?’ asked Jenny.Leanne shrugged, and the flesh that lined her neck and shoulders hugged itself.‘A bit scared if you want the truth. In case he starts throwing things again.’‘Were you always a bit scared of him? I used to think he had a temper.’‘Fuck it, Jen, he’s always had a temper but he never used to talk to me like this. He used to show me some respect. Even if he doesn’t love me any more, he could still do that, couldn’t he?’Jenny nodded. Leanne sniffed.‘What are you thinking?’ asked Leanne, fishing a tissue from the big handbag.‘Nothing.’‘I know you, Jenny Henley. I know you’re thinking something.’The baby suddenly jumped in her sleep and threw her arms into the air as though a current ran through her. But she did not wake.‘I’m asking myself,’ said Jenny carefully, ‘why you can’t stand up to Steve the way you used to.’Leanne’s big face disappeared behind the tissue.‘Um . . .’‘Why?’ demanded Jenny. ‘Because he’s lost a leg?’Leanne said: ‘He used to be a big, hard soldier and now he’s this angry man with one leg who wants to be a soldier. Telling himself he’ll be able to carry kit and run about with a gimpy and fight on the front line. It’s so sad, Jen . . .’ She started to cry again and now the baby was waking up, waving her arms and making small, guttural noises.‘Pass her to me, would you? It really hurts my stitches to lean over there.’Leanne did not stop crying as she struggled to her feet and picked up the tiny girl very gently. Her tears dripped onto the baby, who opened her eyes in surprise.‘Oops,’ said Leanne, handing the little pink bundle to Jenny. ‘Sorry, gorgeous.’‘What are you trying to do, baptize her?’ The baby effortlessly aligned herself against Jenny’s body and then began to feed.‘I get fed up with crying,’ said Leanne, through sobs. ‘I’m so fucking bored with it.’‘Maybe Steve’s getting fed up with it too. Maybe if you were a bit more like you used to be, then he’d be more like his old self too.’Leanne took some deep breaths, and when her voice was almost under control, she squeaked: ‘How was that, Jen? I can’t remember. How was I?’‘You were a tough cookie and you didn’t take any nonsense from Steve and you could drink him under the table if you wanted to, and the Buckles were just about the funniest, most popular couple in the whole camp. Probably in the whole of Wiltshire.’Leanne blinked at her.‘Us?’‘You. And if Steve ever gave you shit, that’s just what he got back.’Leanne sat up a bit straighter, her face thoughtful.‘So,’ Jenny asked, ‘why did you change?’‘Well . . . I think it was all that time they kept him at Bastion, when I didn’t know how he was. I got sort of destroyed by worry . . .’ Leanne was twisting her tissue tightly around her fingers and it was disintegrating.‘You can stop worrying now. He’s all right.’ Jenny remembered something Dave had said on the phone, something about Steve getting irritated because Leanne wanted to treat him like a victim. ‘He’s not just all right, he’s got a goal and he’s going for it. Why aren’t you supporting him?’‘Because I don’t want him back out in Afghanistan.’‘He wouldn’t be happy sitting in an office. That’s not Steve. He never was that way and he’s not going to change just because his body’s different. C’mon, Leanne, wake up and smell the coffee.’Leanne stared at her.‘What should I do?’‘Try being yourself. If he liked wimps he would have married one.’When Jenny looked at Leanne’s face she wondered if she’d gone too far. A few minutes later, Leanne got up to leave.‘Have I upset you?’‘No, no, of course not.’But she had. She could tell from Leanne’s voice. She could tell from the way her footsteps disappeared down the hospital corridor, loud and angry.Jenny felt sadness sweeping through her. That waterfall feeling again. She looked down at the baby, who was lying peacefully in her arms, watching her face steadily.‘She hardly noticed you, did she?’ Jenny said to her tiny daughter. ‘Too many problems to think about you. And you know why? Because she married a soldier. So don’t do it, Baby.’