War Torn

Chapter Sixty-six

JENNY DROPPED VICKY OFF AT NURSERY AND THEN PUT THE BABY IN HER pram. She was trying to get herself back into shape before Dave came home and had just been given her post-op all-clear. On the days Vicky went to nursery, Jenny aimed to walk three miles a day, and walk quickly.She liked the crisp autumn air. She liked the way the camp was sleepy on weekday mornings when all the kids were at school. She liked the way the sun shone now: brightly but not oppressively.The fastest route to the countryside was past Agnieszka’s house and she glanced at the windows and thought she saw the Polish girl’s face there. She waved, but Agnieszka was gone.Jenny felt uncomfortable. She should have asked Agnieszka to bring Luke in his buggy on this crisp, clear day: she was one of the few mothers who would enjoy a fast, invigorating walk. But she admitted guiltily to herself that she did not want to share her walk with her.Agnieszka had visited Jenny just once since she came out of hospital and had seemed even more withdrawn than usual.‘Are you OK?’ Jenny had asked her. Agnieszka replied with one of those tight little half-smiles. You never knew what she was thinking.Jenny had spoken to Adi about it. ‘Does she ever see anyone or go out?’‘Oh, yes, I see her around with the buggy,’ Adi had replied. ‘And, you know, you’re too busy to take care of Agnieszka. We’re all too busy.’Adi had been unusually brisk. Jenny wondered if it was because she had also seen Agnieszka with that man. Well, if Agnieszka was having an affair, it certainly wasn’t making her any happier.The last houses in the camp were the officers’, large with big gardens and huge, leafy old trees outside them. And then she was in the countryside. It wasn’t wild countryside. It was shared between farmers and tank drivers so the fields of sheep were crisscrossed by warnings, signs and tank guidance posts.She walked hard and fast. There was no one around today until, when she was just about to turn for home, a runner approached her. He was moving quickly and as he neared she noticed the sweat dripping from his face before she saw that his left leg was made of metal.‘Steve!’He slowed, recognized her, then stopped a few metres past her. At first he couldn’t talk. He bent over, puffing and sweating.‘Hi, Jenny. I got back last night and thought I’d . . .’ His voice disappeared inside his own breath.‘Well, just take your time,’ she said. ‘I mean . . . I saw this bloke haring along but I never guessed it was you!’‘I’m out of breath because I’m out of condition,’ he puffed. ‘Nothing to do with the leg.’He stood upright then walked over to the pram and peered in.‘She’s growing. Looks a bit like her dad, though, and that can’t be good. Got a name for her yet?’Jenny said firmly: ‘Not until Dave’s home.’ She was trying not to peer at the strange, streamlined metal contraption that grew out of Steve’s shorts. ‘It’s amazing you’re running already!’‘Go on, Jen, stare at it. Everyone wants to.’She blushed. ‘It looks strong.’‘Has to be, the hell it’s going to get from me.’They grinned at each other.‘It’s nice you’re home for the lads getting back,’ she said.‘Well, with any luck I’ll be fit enough to run with them.’‘That’s why I’m out today, too. I’m trying to get my figure back before Dave comes home.’‘You never lost it, Jen. Unlike some people who never had it.’She knew who he meant. For a moment she wanted to ignore this but she could not leave her friend undefended.‘Leanne put on a lot of weight after your accident, Steve. Eating was her way of coping.’His face changed. She watched the muscles in it rearrange themselves. Usually so big and open, he was darkening suddenly. He looked angry. He gritted his teeth and his jaw sharpened. He was even a bit scary, she thought. He had never looked that way before.‘Yeah, well, it was a while ago now and she’s had plenty of chance to lose that weight again. But she won’t lose it sitting in front of the TV.’‘It’s been hard for her . . .’‘You think it hasn’t been hard for me? The easiest thing in the world is to sit around and be a couch potato but there’s no way I’m giving in to it. She shouldn’t either.’‘I know you’ve been to hell and back, Steve. I really admire you for having the grit to start running. And because you’re determined to fight again. But Leanne’s been in bits. You’ve got some goals: get walking, get running, get back out with the other lads. Her life fell apart and it hasn’t been so straightforward putting it back together.’He looked thoughtful.‘Goals is a good word, Jen. If we give Leanne some goals that might help her . . .’She decided to steer the conversation away from Leanne.‘Steve, how are you going to feel when the others get back?’His face changed again. Suddenly all the tight, angry lines loosened and he looked less sure of himself.‘I’d sort of like to be there when the bus gets into the square. So would Ben Broom. Ryan Connor’s not ready for that yet.’‘Oh, Steve, that’s a fantastic idea. They’ll be so pleased to see you. I know it would mean a lot to Dave.’‘But he’ll be looking for you. Everyone will be with their family. The lads’ stuff is over for a while when we first come home.’‘You don’t think Dave’s going to walk straight past you!’‘Maybe it’s not the right time.’‘But . . . how will you feel? Seeing them all get off the bus?’Steve swallowed. Jenny watched him again. She did not remember that his face had ever had this mobility before. She had no recollection of the way emotions passed across it like clouds. Perhaps he’d just been better at hiding them. Now he looked vulnerable. His eyes were crinkling and his mouth was twisting unhappily. He looked as though he might cry.‘Steve?’‘I’m not sure I can handle it. Because I missed the whole fucking tour. And they’ve had all these experiences. They’ll have been changed by what happened. Even if they tell me everything, I didn’t go through it with them. I wasn’t there. So I don’t feel as though I know them like before.’Jenny’s eyes dropped from Steve’s anguished face to the pram where the baby slept peacefully under her white blanket.‘Steve . . . I know what you mean. Because I feel exactly the same way.’They walked back to the camp together. When they passed the rec, they paused for a parking car.‘Mazda MR2, very nice,’ said Steve. ‘I’ve always fancied one of them myself.’A man got out of it and walked up the road.‘Who’s he?’ asked Steve.‘I don’t know,’ said Jenny. But she was sure she recognized him.

Agnieszka had seen Jenny walking and noted the way she stepped out cheerfully in the autumn sunshine. She had decided to do the same. But just putting on Luke’s coat had resulted in such howling protests that she almost gave up. He was still protesting now while she put on her own. Next there was the tedious ritual of pushing and pulling a large buggy through a small hallway. Was it worth it? Was it worth even trying to leave the house?The bell rang. Probably Jenny, already coming back from her walk. Agnieszka didn’t want to speak to Jenny or anyone else but she opened the door, sighing and pulling the buggy out of the way.‘Hi, Aggie.’Her heart leaped. It soared. It was suddenly attached to a balloon, which was gaining altitude at an absurd rate. Her heart was light as a feather because it was shedding weight as it flew. The atmosphere up here was thin, her head was dizzy.‘Ags?’When she still could not speak he stepped inside. The door clicked shut behind him. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her and she felt herself, without hesitation, return the kiss.‘Have you missed me?’ he asked.She closed her eyes. She couldn’t explain to him that it had been snowing since he left, a cold, frozen winter world.‘It’s OK,’ he said. ‘I’m back now, Ags.’