A Common Pornography: A Memoir

What I Would Think About During Mass

The football games I was missing.

The woman’s hair in front of me.

Who I would have to shake hands with at the “offer each other a sign of peace” part of the service.

Should I make my dad wonder what I’ve done by not going to communion?

Is it a sin for minors to drink the “blood of Christ”?

Are my pants too baggy?

Is the person behind me staring at my ass?

The person’s ass two rows in front of me.

I wish they had chocolate-dipped communion.

It must be embarrassing being an altar boy.

Should I really try to sing, or should I moan along with everyone else?

I wonder what kinds of donuts they’ll have in the basement after the service.

Am I going to miss the halftime highlights?