A Song for Us

Chapter Thirty-One

ERIC

THE SUN WAS about to come up as I returned to my room, but I couldn’t sleep.

When a knock came at the door, I laughed to myself as I made my way to pull it open, expecting to see Donna, though I had just left her room ten minutes before. My heart stopped as I locked eyes with Sarah. Her face was pink and damp from crying.

“What did he do?” I glanced down the hall but all was quiet, and I looked back to her in confusion as she wrung her hands together nervously.

“Nothing. Can I come in?” Her chest jumped as she struggled to calm her breathing. I nodded and took a step back as she slipped inside, and I closed the door behind her. I ran my hand through my hair as the smell of her shampoo assaulted my senses. She walked over toward the bed, but had second thoughts about sitting on it.

I crossed the room and stood in front of her, forcing myself not to touch her. “Please, tell me why you’re crying.”

Her gaze fell to the floor between us and she wiped the back of her hand over her cheek and laughed nervously. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re beautiful.” I don’t know why I said it, but as her eyes met mine, I knew it was a mistake.

“Why can’t he talk to me like that?”

I blew out a hard breath as I struggled not to let this massive kick to my ego upset me. I knew she was hurting. She didn’t deserve what he put her through, even if she didn’t leave him. For whatever reason, she felt she needed to stay. I think at first it had a lot to do with not wanting to be alone, but now it seemed more like guilt, and that blame rested entirely on me.

“Because he’s a fucking idiot and he doesn’t deserve you.”

“I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry for . . . everything.”

“Don’t be sorry. I only regret that it hurts you. I knew . . .” I cleared my throat, trying to force out the truth. “I knew I would never have you.”

“I made a mistake.” Her voice was small and she sounded so fragile. I could only nod. She was right. I was a mistake and for the rest of my life I would have to carry around with me the guilt of hurting her. “I should have chosen you.”

I didn’t think my heart could break any further, the pieces so small, but I was wrong and the pain ripped through my chest. “Don’t say that. Not now. I can’t take any more. There’s been so much back-and-forth . . . I can’t take it.”

She took a step toward me and put her hand on my chest. Her touch was almost painful and I winced as the warmth of her fingertips slid over my skin.

“Now that I’m with someone else, now you want me?” I threw her own words back at her, and she flinched at my tone as if I had hit her.

“It’s not like that, E. I’ve always . . . cared about you.”

“But it won’t ever be enough. You’d rather get walked over by that asshole until he breaks you so badly that you slip back into who you were.” My gaze fell to the scars on her arms. I understood now. I wore the same scars on my heart. I would heal, but I would never be whole again.

“Please don’t yell at me.” Her voice was barely a whisper and I knew she was on the verge of tears again.

I wrapped my arms around her neck and held her against me. It was physically painful to stay away from her and equally so to hold her in my arms and know she would never be mine. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. So sorry for all of this. I should have never let you know what I was feeling.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

My grip tightened around her as tears filled my own eyes. “It just made everything worse for you. It was selfish of me.”

“It’s not selfish to tell someone that you care about them.”

I pulled back from her so I could look her in the eye. “It was. I was putting my feelings before yours. I knew you and I would never happen.” I put my hands on the sides of her face, wanting desperately to pull her closer so I could kiss her. “I knew you could never care about me like I care about you.” For the first time since I could remember, a tear slid down my cheek, but I didn’t bother to wipe it away.

“I do care about you . . . so much.” Her hands reached for my face but I grabbed them, holding them in mine as I closed my eyes, begging myself for strength.

“Please don’t make me say no to you. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.” I shook my head as another tear fell. “I can’t take much more of this. It’s killing me. You are killing me, Sarah.”

Sarah took a small step back, nodding as her own cheeks glistened with tears. She swallowed hard and pulled her fingers from mine. I ached to reach out and grab her again, but I forced myself to let her walk out of my life. It was for the best. I wouldn’t be the other guy and I wouldn’t do to Donna what her fiancé had. The door slammed to my room and to my heart.

I collapsed to my knees as I let the emotions rip through me. A knife to the chest would have been less painful, and at least eventually the torture would have ended.