Angelica's Grotto

30 Fourth Session

‘Oannes has said quite a bit more since the last time I saw you,’ said Klein to Dr DeVere.

‘Up to then, all he’d said since the shutdown was “Gone”, right?’

‘Right. He said that after I’d been talking about the past, when Hannelore and I used to go to the South Bank for concerts. But since then he’s spoken seven more times.’

‘We need to be absolutely clear about this voice of Oannes. Are you hearing it the way you’re hearing me, as a voice originating outside your head?’

No, said Oannes.

‘No,’ said Klein.

‘How are you hearing it?’

The way you used to, said Oannes.

‘The way I used to,’ said Klein, ‘in my head and with some tension in my vocal cords, as if they’re almost forming the words. Oannes is nobody separate, it’s just how I dress up mentally when I’m thinking Oannes thoughts.’

Dr DeVere was busily writing. His pen made a tiny sound as he put the dot under a question mark. ‘And you dress up mentally because …?’

‘Because I feel like it, OK? Does that make me some kind of a textbook case?’

‘Not that I know of. What was the next Oannes message after “Gone”?’

‘The next thing he said was, “Do something.”’

‘When was that?’

‘It was the evening of the day of our last session; I was going to meet Leslie because he’d promised to tell me Angelica’s real name, remember?’

‘Remind me, please — why did he make that promise? Why didn’t he just tell you her name straight out?’

‘Jesus, don’t you take notes? He wanted two hundred quid for it. I didn’t have the cash with me at the time so I said I’d meet him next evening.’

‘Why was her name worth two hundred pounds to you?’

‘Because she’d been jerking me around and I didn’t want to be completely at her mercy. I wanted to track her down.’

‘How had she been jerking you around?’

‘I told you last time: the evening before this I’d arranged to meet her but Leslie turned up instead with a van and a videocamera and he was going to bugger me for posterity.’

‘Why had you arranged to meet her?’

‘Sometimes you ask stupid questions, you know that?’

‘Indulge me. You could have wanted to meet her for a variety of reasons. It’s important for both of us to know which it was.’

‘How’s this? I’m old but I’m not dead; I still become interested in women who interest me.’

‘OK, but what were you hoping this meeting would lead to?’

‘Do I have to tell you every goddamn thing? Sometimes you have to use your imagination.’

‘You’ve got a pretty short fuse today.’

‘I’ve got a pretty short fuse every day, and I’m getting tired of stamping it out.’

‘Try to remember that I’m on your side.’

‘That’s a great comfort to me.’

‘How did you feel when Leslie let you off?’

‘I felt relieved. When the actual Leslie was in front of me my curiosity vanished.’

‘Why was that?’

‘You’ve looked at that printout of “Monica’s Monday Night” and you must have noticed the size of his equipment — it’s scary.’

‘Are you saying that if it had been less scary you’d have been …’

‘Less scared but just as unwilling.’

‘Because …?’

‘Because I have all kinds of weird and wild thoughts but I don’t really want to act out all of them. Do you use the Internet?’

‘Are we changing the subject?’

‘Yes. Is that allowed?’

‘You’d rather not talk about Leslie?’

‘I think we’ve pretty well covered all my Leslie material for the time being. Do you use the Internet?’

‘Sometimes, mainly for research — libraries and so on.’

‘Oh yes. Ever check out Angelica’s Grotto?’

‘I did after you told me about it.’

‘What do you think of it?’

‘It’s very time-consuming.’

‘I know; sometimes it takes for ever for those thumbnails to load. But did you enjoy it?’

‘Not really; I’ve never been much interested in pornography.’

‘You haven’t gone back for another look?’

‘No.’

‘I guess I believe you although it isn’t easy. Are you married, Dr DeVere?’

‘Yes. Could we get back to Leslie for a moment? Why had he planned a video session in the van with you?’

‘Because Melissa told him to. That’s the name I paid for; she’s the one who runs the Angelica’s Grotto website.’

‘And Melissa — what was her reason for wanting it done?’

‘Research, evidently. Have you heard of an organisation called Leeuwenhoek?’

‘Yes, the Leeuwenhoek Institute.’

‘What’s their field of interest?’

‘Their prospectus says they’re “dedicated to the ongoing exploration of the human microcosm”.’

‘And the examination of animalcules like me, I bet. “Subject K, seventy-two-year-old art historian, presented with loss of ‘inner voice’ …”.’

‘Let’s not lose the thread of your story, Mr Klein.’

‘By this time I should think you’d call me Harold.’

‘All right, Harold. We’ve got up to the matter of Melissa’s research. Is she on a grant from Leeuwenhoek?’

‘Yes. What’s your first name?’

‘Leon.’

‘OK, Leon, she’s on a Leeuwenhoek grant and I gather that she’s doing a study of emotional dysfunction in male/female transactions. But I want to get back to what Oannes has been saying.’

‘It’s just that you seem to be leaving out so much that I’m having difficulty in putting it all together.’

‘Fear not, I’ll fill you in later. I was guessing from the Monica story and the place where Leslie met me that Melissa was either a student or on the staff at King’s College, so I decided to go looking for her. That’s when Oannes said, “Hoka hey.”’

‘“Hoka hey?”’

‘“Hoka hey. It is a good day to die.” That’s what Crazy Horse used to say when riding into battle.’

‘Like, “Here we go, here we go, here we go.”’

‘Right. I went to King’s College and there was the van parked but not locked, so I got into the back and covered myself with a blanket. After a while Melissa and Leslie turned up and off we went. It didn’t take long for them to find me and they were going to dump me but I’d recorded our conversations and we did some negotiating and Leslie agreed to drop Melissa and me off at my place for some one-to-one.’

‘I assume you’ll go into that van trip in more detail in due course.’

‘Sure. I was wanting to kiss Melissa and she said OK and then Oannes said, “Madness is good.”’ So we went on from there and a little later he said, “Yum yum.” The next thing he said was, “Gee baby.”

‘Apropos of what?’

‘She was raping me.’

‘Melissa was.’

‘With a dildo.’

‘And you said…’

‘Oannes said…’

‘“Gee baby.”’ Dr DeVere was copying down all the quotes from Oannes. ‘Next?’

‘Next evening we were talking onscreen about what happened. Melissa was asking tough questions and I was having a hard time answering and Oannes said, “Go with it.” With what? I asked him, and he said, “Anything.” He was about to include the Oannes remarks at the beginning of the session but decided not to. ‘That’s it from Oannes so far.’

Madness is the natural state, said Oannes.

‘He just said, “Madness is the natural state,”’ said Klein.

Dr DeVere wrote down the last quotes, massaged his face a little, and said, ‘I remember, in our first session, telling you to meet Oannes halfway. But now I’m wondering whether you haven’t gone more than halfway. The old inner voice functioned as a useful censor but with Oannes it seems that anything goes. Jekyll and Hyde come to mind just a teentsy bit.’

‘The Spencer Tracy one or the Frederic March?’

‘Does it matter? Actually I was thinking of the book.’

‘In the later film version Spencer Tracy had scarier teeth and Ingrid Bergman. Frederic March’s Hyde was more refined and the fiancee was very appealing although I can’t remember her name. Stevenson pre-dated Freud, didn’t he?’

‘I guess so, but can we stick to the point which was the growing influence of your Oannes aspect.’

‘Look, Leon — I’m not some kind of split personality; Oannes has the same relation to me that your opponent does if you play chess against yourself. The voice of Oannes comes from the part of me that assumes that persona in order to speak my Oannes thoughts. I’m trying not to sound crazy but on the other hand, madness is the natural state, wouldn’t you say? Sanity is a trick we learn somewhere along the way, like how to use knives and forks. Although it hasn’t said very much so far I’m hearing an inner voice again and it’s telling me new things. Shouldn’t we be pleased about that?’

‘Mmmm.’

‘Mmmm what?’

‘It’s a question of what kind of new things it’s telling you. In our first session when I said that Oannes was the Babylonian god of wisdom you said that you saw him as something else — I think I have the exact words.’ He went through his notes. ‘“Deeper and darker than wisdom — he’s nothing safe, nothing explicable.”’

‘Yes, I remember that.’

‘And you’ve just said only a moment ago that you recognise your Oannes as coming from the part of you that speaks the Oannes thoughts. So what we’re talking about are new thoughts, a new outlook that’s you. Makes no difference whether you call this outlook Oannes or Popeye the Sailor — what we have here is a new you who’s dumped the old censor and is listening to the voice of “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.”’

‘Alesteir Crowley — I’ve thought of that too. I’ve even written that thought down.’

‘So a little caution might be in order.’

‘Yes, Dad, I’ll keep that in mind.’

‘Do. Would you now like to fill in the bits you left out in your Oannes update?’

Klein filled him in. Dr DeVere nodded, shook his head, rubbed his face, made notes when necessary, and looked at Roger and Angelica from time to time. When Klein had joined up all the dots and coloured in the whole picture, DeVere sighed and said, ‘What’s going to happen now?’

‘I don’t know. Clearly I’m an old fool but maybe folly is the reward for having lived long enough to be old.’

‘Please, don’t dazzle me with footwork.’

‘I’m not. I can’t get her out my mind, can’t get the feel of her out of my hands, the taste of her out of my mouth. I want that canary to sing even if it can’t carry a tune.’

‘Down, Oannes!’

‘Up yours, Doc’

‘You intend to see her again? Foolish question, I suppose. I keep thinking I’m here to help you and wondering if I can.’

‘Do you remember the end of Dr Strangelove, with Slim Pickens whooping and hollering as he rides the bomb all the way down? Jumping off wouldn’t have done much good, would it?’

‘You and your movies!’ DeVere looked at his watch like a boxer listening for the bell. Finally, after trying several facial expressions, he found one that felt workable, cleared his throat, and said, ‘Oannes might well be right when he says that madness is the natural state but you must admit that the knife-and-forkery of daily life is a useful survival trick.’

‘The question is: survival for what?’

‘For the life you had before Angelica’s Grotto and Melissa. For the work you do.’

‘Really. I’ve shut myself up in a room and devoted my days and nights to other people’s work. Would you call that a good life?’

‘Time’s up. We can go into that in the next session.’

‘Saved by the bell, eh Doc? Righty-oh. I’ll send you a postcard.’

‘From where?’

‘I don’t know — maybe the Canary Islands.’

Dr DeVere shook his head, made a final note: Madness — the natural state?