Angelica's Grotto

8 Fear, Guilt, Violent Fantasies?

‘Well,’ said Mrs Lichtheim, ‘it’s now two weeks since you did the Bender and the Rorschach tests. Looking back on that session, how do you feel about it?’

‘I still see Lucifer soaring high above me in pink and grey and green.’

Mrs Lichtheim consulted her notes. ‘Days of Wrath,’ she said. ‘You said you almost heard that music while looking at the fallen angel far above you. Are you wrathful? Is there anger in you?’

‘Of course there is.’

‘Why of course?’

‘I don’t like being invisible, I don’t like being pushed off the pavement.’

‘You’re talking about now, but this anger in you, I think it goes further back than that; and it seems to me that you have to exert very strong control to keep it from bursting out.’

‘Well, you know, in seventy-two years a lot of resentments accumulate: the whole world changes, and every change I’ve seen has been for the worse. The only exception is residential parking in our street but I haven’t got a car.’

‘How do you feel about your mother?’

‘Why do you ask that?’

‘Because in you there seems to be fear of women, as well as anger and guilt.’

‘I think all men are afraid of women.’

‘But we’re talking about you.’

‘All right, I’m afraid of women. But I already know that and I’d like us to start dealing with the present problem.’ He was beginning to resent being steered by Mrs Lichtheim.

‘I think your fear of women is part of the present problem,’ she said. ‘Your inner voice is the superego; sometimes it keeps you from saying what you really think. Now it shuts down, maybe it’s tired of concealment; maybe now you are forced to hear yourself say what you really want to say. I think there are violent feelings in you, maybe violent fantasies.’ Again she looked at his folder. ‘You’re an art historian. Are you working on something now?’

‘I’m always working on something; I’m doing a study of the nudes of Gustav Klimt.’

‘Naked women.’

‘You can’t be nude without being naked.’

‘What’s the title of your study?’

‘Naked Mysteries: the Nudes of Gustav Klimt.’

‘Are naked women a mystery to you?’

‘They’re even a mystery to themselves; that’s why the Greeks celebrated those mysteries at Eleusis.’

‘Do you believe that work is the way to understand a mystery?’

‘Play won’t do it.’

‘Do you ever not work, just do nothing?’

‘When I knock off for the day around midnight I put my feet up and watch a video.’

‘You remember the first Rorshach blot, the motorcycle with a man on either side but nobody in the driver’s seat? It didn’t fall over because its forward speed maintained its equilibrium.’

‘What about it?’

‘Do you think you’ll fall over if you stop working for a week or a month?’

‘Why should I stop?’

‘Just for the pleasure of being without producing anything.’

‘I picked the wrong parents for that.’

‘How so?’

‘Jewish immigrants from Russia, hot for self-improvement and offspring achievement. I drew well from the age of five so they laid it on me that I was going to be a great painter. I didn’t produce great paintings but I write well about Art, so maybe they’re partly easy in their graves.’

‘Did you like your mother?’

‘No.’ Encouraged by Mrs Lichtheim he let himself go and talked about his mother and her faith in enemas; he talked about his father, about his school days, his first love, his army time; he talked about Francine, his first wife, and Hannelore, his second.

‘Do you fantasise about women?’ said Mrs Lichtheim.

‘Certainly; I should think that all men do.’

‘What kind of fantasies are yours?’

‘All kinds.’

‘Can you describe one?’

‘Maybe when we get to know each other better.’

Mrs Lichtheim looked at her watch. ‘This is the last time I’ll be seeing you — I haven’t got a vacancy so I’ll be referring you to another psychologist for therapy.’

‘Just when I was beginning to feel comfortable with you.’

‘I believe you’ll be comfortable with him as well.’

‘What’s his name?’

‘DeVere.’

‘DeVere: of truth.’

‘Is that what you’re looking for?’

‘Maybe it’s looking for me.’

‘He’ll help you find each other.’