At First Sight

COULD HE GET IT UP?

He washed down a Viagra, waited twenty minutes for it to hit the old bloodstream, and then with his heart racing picked up the girls from Hustler and headed to the bathroom.

Nothing.

Not a quiver.

He was deader than an opening act at the Laugh Factory. Then, just as he decided to stop, he got a slight tingle down there. Not one of his old Chick Best blue-vein specials-but he was at least getting some blood flow. Flop-sweat gathered on his brow as he coaxed this poor wobbler up. It rose weakly, like a patient at a rest home. Finally, he was at half-mast, hanging out over the toilet seat, barely erect.

He couldn't believe this was happening. Paige Ellis was actually on an airplane, heading to Los Angeles to see him, and he couldn't get a decent hard-on. He was in the middle of a heavy dose of self-administered performance anxiety when he finally decided to give it up and stop. He zipped up, rushed out of the bathroom, and entered his den to fire down two scotch shooters. As they hit bottom, the knot in his stomach lessened.

Okay, jerking off was one thing. Making love was another. The old Love Master would grow some wood when the time came, but, to be perfectly honest, Chick was becoming sexually panicked. At the same time he was committed to this course of action, determined to push on.

So he went to the airport and stood at the Delta baggage claim, waiting, and then finally saw her walking with self-confidence up to the carousel. She was so beautiful, so slender and fine, that his heart actually clutched when he saw her. He waited while the bags began coming off, watching the way she stood as a few people talked to her, asking dumb questions like, "Is this the luggage from flight 216?"

She was the most amazing person he'd ever encountered… a fantasy and a reality. An object of lust and at the same time the gold standard for feminine perfection… well rounded, talented, incredible. His descriptive words for her were endless.

Chick felt diminished by her presence, unworthy and outclassed. He had spent his entire adult life trying to be worthy of other people's admiration. He had acquired the symbols of success, while always looking right and left, jealous of all the things other people had. Now, as he watched Paige Ellis, he finally realized that she was what he had been after all along. He'd been put on earth to be completed by her. She was the yin to his yang… no sexual pun intended.

When he could bear the ecstasy of watching her no longer, he called her name. She saw him, waved, and dragged her little bag over. They'd hugged and he'd led her to the car-and then the first minor setback… The fucking Langham Hotel in Pasadena.

She wanted to stay way the hell out on the east side of town. How could he just drop in on her out there unannounced? What could he say? "Oh, hi. I was just walking in the Rose Bowl parking lot, which is only twenty fucking miles from my house, and I thought I'd swing by and see what you were doing." Impossible.

He'd tried to confuse her with his line of freeway bullshit. Most out-of-towners panicked when you slung L. A.'s confusing array of freeway numbers at them, but she'd come right back with, "I'll just take the 210 to the 134, hang a left on Forest Lawn Drive by the river."

That was another thing: Evelyn was shit on directions and it had always pissed him off. Even though she was born here, Evelyn could never remember a freeway number. Whenever they were trying to meet at a restaurant, she'd say stuff like, "It's easy to find, Chick… can't miss it. Take the freeway-you know the one I mean-it's right by where I get my nails done-and then get off near the shoe store where I buy my Prada sandals. Go past that cute antique shop where they give you coffee mocha, turn left, and you're there… " Ridiculous. Paige didn't even live here and she was right on the old button. Everything about her impressed him.

And then she had reached out and held his hand, squeezing it while he drove. It shot a volt of electricity up his arm, straight into his heart.

Chick also felt that after a shaky start with Demetrius, he'd finally hit a pretty good post-death performance stride. Just the right amount of heartsick grief and moronic psychobabble over Evelyn's brutal murder.

All that stuff about, "What if she'd changed her appointment?" "What if she'd decided not to go?" That stuff was really on target. Paige was eating it up.

Of course there were a few other, more accurate what ifs. What if his angry wife hadn't been spending money they didn't have, on clothes she wouldn't even wear? What if she hadn't been screwing her trainer and turning his marriage into a sexless sham?

Mickey D, by the way, hadn't even called to find out about the burial-a testament to the depth of that Vaseline-lubricated, penile-inserted relationship. If there was a bookmaker's line on shallow behavior, Chick would have given the points and bet the house that Mickey D wouldn't even bother to come to the funeral. The side bet was that he would probably also call sometime next week and offer to buy the gym equipment for ten cents on the dollar. What an asshole.

They had finally pulled up at the Langham Hotel in Pasadena, and Chick waved off the doorman so he could get her luggage out of the trunk. He had his droopy, sad-eyed victim thing down pretty good now.

"Well, you've had a long flight and I've got a million things to do," Chick said. "By the way, I thought the scripture you put on Chandler's Memorial Program was perfect. It seemed to capture the essence of him. I've been reading the Bible, looking for something for Evelyn." This was such bullshit he couldn't believe he was saying it. He was thankful he hadn't removed the cool Silhouette darks. If there was anything in print that captured Evelyn, it wouldn't have been in the Bible, but in the Book of Human Conceit, somewhere between Larcenous Debt and Lustful Behavior. But, in preparation for this moment, he had found one Bible passage that he thought seemed deep and sensitive, so he reeled it off from memory.

"Last night, I found something in Proverbs that sort of got me. Tor her proceeds are better than profits of silver. She is more precious than rubies, and all the things you may desire cannot compare with her." He looked down at his shoes as he finished.

"That's very beautiful, Chick," Paige said.

"Yeah. Well, maybe it's the right one." He turned sadly and moved away from her, stopping beside his car door before finally looking back.

"Well, see ya." He started to get into the car, wondering if she was just going to let him drive away. She couldn't be that hard-hearted. Even pound puppies didn't look as sad and lost as this.

"Chick, I came out here to help. Are you sure there isn't anything I could do for you?"

"Finally," he thought. He was behind the wheel of the sleek black roadster, and looked up, giving her his best angle. "I don't want to impose on you, Paige. It's so sweet you even came at all."

"I want to help. That's the main reason I'm here."

"Well, I'm going to pick out the coffin now, but I could sure use some help on the flowers and stuff… "

"I can do that."

"They have a shop right there, at Forest Lawn. They told me they can do wreaths or sprays, anything I want. Evie loved spring flowers-purple jasmine, especially." He looked down sadly. "Purple was her favorite color?'

"Why don't I come and help you?"

"Are you sure? It's been a long day for you. You just got here." "Chick, of course I'll help. What time do you want me to be there? I'm renting a car from the hotel agency?'

"Is five-thirty too early?"

"Five-thirty is perfect?'

Chick couldn't believe how well this was going. By the time they'd finished picking out flowers, it would be six or six-thirty. After a stressful time selecting wreaths and bouquets for his poor dead wife, what could be more natural than two friends going out to dinner to try and get past the horrible specter of Evelyn's passing?

He had just the place. The Bistro Garden on Ventura Boulevard. A little wine, a little pasta, the special fish dish they did only for him.

He felt his package twitch. Nothing overt, just a little throb and some subtle stiffening. His johnson was telling him, "Hang in there, pal, all is not lost." He was beginning to pitch a nice little tent in his boxers.

He put the car in gear, waved, and roared out, giving the Porsche a little extra pop of the clutch for effect, laying a chirp of rubber just like the sexy hero in one of Jerry Bruckheimer's blockbusters.