At First Sight

Chapter 30

CHICK COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT A RAGING ASSHOLE he'd been at dinner. It wasn't until he was standing outside the restaurant and the cold night air sobered him slightly that he was able to accurately review the mindless stream of bullshit he'd been spewing at Paige all evening. He vaguely remembered seeing flashes of disinterest and disappointment passing across her face, along with a few stifled yawns. His drunken response had been to amp it up, drop a few more actors' names, and tell her about some other worthless club, or Rotary award he'd won.

He'd planned to talk only about Evelyn at dinner, to discuss his innermost fears about being left alone without her. He had cautioned himself-don't come on to her this time. He'd seen the disastrous results that had produced at Chandler's funeral. And then, like a complete dick, he'd just ignored his own counsel, forgotten everything that had been working so beautifully, and reverted to his old:

"Don't-you-love-what-I've-got-and-don't-you-wish-you-had-it" bullshit.

Thank God his mind had finally cleared and he was able to come up with his prepackaged closer about Evelyn completing him. But he knew he'd lost ground and now needed to go proactive.

He had seen a paperback book in her purse when she'd opened it to get her lipstick… Death of a Loved One by Dr. Emily Eaton. It occurred to Chick that since he had absolutely no emotions on the loss of Evelyn, that book might be very useful in telling him how he should pretend to feel. He stopped at Book Star on Ventura on the way home and picked up a copy just as they were closing.

Once he got to his house on Elm, he found Melissa in the front room slumped in front of the television. She was watching some horrible MTV rerun of a Spring Break special, starring Jerry Springer, who was on a stage in Cancun convincing teenage girls to take off their tops and wrestle each other in a vat of Jell-O, while a bunch of drunk college guys were yelling, "Jer-ree, Jer-ree, Jer-ree… "

What passed as entertainment these days baffled him.

"Melissa, could you turn that down for a minute? I need to discuss the funeral tomorrow," he said.

She didn't turn it down. Didn't even look up from the program.

"Melissa, we need to arrive together," he continued. "The service starts at two. A limo will pick us up at one-thirty sharp. We need to be on time."

Nothing. She was smiling as one of the topless girls on the TV slipped in some Jell-O on the stage and almost fell off the riser. "Melissa, are you listening to me?"

"Of course not," she said. "I'm tuning you out completely. It's how I survive your pathetic bullshit."

He crossed the room and turned off the TV. She snapped her head around and glared at him. "I was watching that."

"I'm talking to you. We've got to leave at one-thirty tomorrow. The limo driver from Forest Lawn is going to be here and I would really appreciate it if you'd dress respectfully for the event and leave all the face metal at home. It's your mother's funeral. Try not to show up looking like an ad for fishhooks." '

She scowled angrily. "Maybe this hasn't occurred to you Pops 'cause you're so busy trying to bang that Ellis bitch, but I don't give a shit what you want."

That one really rocked him because Chick had no idea his intentions were so transparent that even his stoner daughter was able to spot them.

"I'm gonna wear what I want and I'm bringing Big Mac," she continued.

"He's not invited. This is your mother's funeral for God's sake." But Chick didn't have to think for long to know what was on her mind. She planned to roll up to the gravesite on the back of that tattooed asshole's Harley, both of them wearing biker leather. Anything to humiliate and embarrass him.

"If you're planning on showing up and making a scene, then don't come at all," Chick finally said.

"Not come to Mommy's funeral?" Sarcastic and deliberately over the top. She followed this with a sly smile. "Gee, Daddy, what a strange thing for you to say:'

"Melissa, I'm not kidding."

"Neither am I."

Chick stood there wondering what the hell he was supposed to do. There was certainly no controlling her. If she was willing to claim that meth bust and risk playing pet the kitty with a bunch of weight-lifting prison lesbians, then taking Big Mac to Evelyn's funeral was obviously nothing to her. He thought, maybe if he offered money…

"You've been pestering me for months about new winter clothes," he said. "What if I clear your credit card. You can go up to five hundred dollars."

"Hey, my cooperation is gonna cost a helluva lot more than that."

A fucking protocol negotiation over her own mother's funeral. He couldn't believe it! But he was trapped, so he went on. "How much then?"

"It's going to be awkward," she said, chewing a cuticle. "Big Mac really wants to go. He was hoping to sit next to Mickey D, who, by the way, called today to say he's coming-no pun intended. Instead of worrying about Big Mac, maybe you ought to call the Mick and make sure that asshole doesn't show up oiled like a pole dancer in one of his posing briefs." Her smile had turned nasty. "If I'm going to disappoint Big Mac, you're going to have to make a better offer. Five hundred dollars won't even handle the sales tax on what I need."

"It may have escaped your notice, Melissa, but I'm not doing quite as well as I was last year. I'm under a lot of financial pressure… "

He stopped because she had picked up a Teen People and was ignoring him, thumbing through the magazine, looking at long-lens pictures of Lindsay Lohan in rehab.

"Melissa, I'm not kidding. Big Mac is not to come to your mother's funeral:'

"Then you better call and tell him. His number's on the Post-it next to the phone in the kitchen. But be careful 'cause he already hates your guts and if he thinks he's being dissed, the shit can really jump off with that guy."

There was no dealing with her. A hundred grand wouldn't be enough, so he walked into the bedroom, seething, and looked at the notes he had been making for Evelyn's eulogy. In truth, he was only making this speech to one person. All of Chick's thoughts, all of his remarks were aimed only at Paige Ellis. He had made a list of Chandler's musings to work into his speech-saccharine things he'd said in Hawaii.

Chick sat down at his desk and opened the book on grief he'd just bought. It would be great if he could crib some of this shit and palm it off as his own.

He started to work again on the eulogy, but he was so mad at Melissa he couldn't get into the right mindset.

In the other room the television blared. Springer was orchestrating another bikini strip and the horny college boys were loving every minute of it…

"jer-ree, Jer-ree, Jer-ree.."