Betrayal

Her first instinct had been to rush in and confront him with everything she knew. Shove the truth down his throat and tell him to go to hell. But in the next instant she realised that that was precisely what he wanted.

Go to hell.

Suddenly she grasped what he was trying to do. Standing in the park with their defiled home before her, it struck her like lightning out of a clear blue sky. She figured out his plan. All at once it was ridiculously obvious.

The cowardly swine was once again trying to push the responsibility onto her.

Once again he thought he could hide behind her capacity for action.

Instead of accepting the consequences for what he had done and for once making his own decision, he thought he could force her to leave him. Get rid of the guilt so that for all his days he would be able to hide behind the fact that it was her decision; she was the one who wanted a divorce, she was the one who was leaving.

She wasn’t going to make it that easy for him. Not at all.

She felt a stubborn contempt.

He couldn’t even manage his own infidelity without her.

Her decisiveness filled her with a liberating calm. She was in control again. Finally she knew what she should do.

She needed confirmation of just one thing to be able to hold out.

Just one thing.

She hadn’t said a word before she left. Henrik and Axel were playing a computer game and had closed the door to the office; he’d notice she was gone soon enough. She was more than pleased not to see him. She still wasn’t sure that she could manage to conceal her hatred, but she had the whole night to summon her strength. Tomorrow he would have his faithful wife back; but first she had to get someone to confirm that she was good enough.

She looked out over Järntorget. She had stopped briefly on the way into Gamla Stan to have a well-deserved pick-me-up. It was a long time since she’d been out on the town at all, and she couldn’t remember ever going out alone before. Always having to rush home with a guilty conscience. At work because she wasn’t at home, and at home because she couldn’t manage to do her job properly.

She took the last gulp from her glass and turned around. This was definitely the wrong place for her plans. Couples eating dinner and groups that didn’t want to include anyone else. No, one more cider and then she’d get going.

She went up to the bar.

She heard the door open behind her. The barman stood with his back turned, filling bowls with peanuts. She turned her head and glanced at the man who had just come in. Now he was standing right in front of her at the short end of the bar.

Way too young.

The barman came over to her.

‘A pear cider, please.’

He ducked down and stood up again with a bottle in his hand. With his other hand he reached for a glass from the rack above their heads.

‘That’ll be forty-eight kronor.’

She already had her hand around her purse in her handbag. And then came the surprising question.

‘May I buy that for you?’

At first she didn’t realise that he was talking to her. Surprised, she looked at the man standing at the bar nearby. Maybe twenty-six, twenty-seven, grey jacket, blond hair combed back, looked pretty good.

Why not?

‘Certainly.’

For a second she thought he might be kidding, because he just stood there smiling at her. Then he took his wallet out of an inside pocket.

‘Thank you. I’ll have the same.’

He placed a hundred-krona note on the bar and the barman took down another glass. She was smiling to herself. He had to be more than ten years younger than her, so she obviously had a little sex appeal left.

She wondered what they were doing at home. Whether Axel had gone to bed. She pushed away the thought and tried to smile.

‘I’m the one who should be saying thanks.’

He raised his glass to her.

‘No, that’s not true, I should say it. Cheers, then.’

‘Cheers.’

‘And welcome.’

There was something about his eyes. His gaze was so penetrating that she was almost embarrassed. As if he were looking right into her, could read all her thoughts, and she had no intention of sharing them with anyone. For an instant she regretted letting him buy her a drink. Now she would have to stay here, and she had other plans for the evening. The faster she finished her drink the better. She took two deep swallows.

‘My name is Jonas.’

She drank a bit more. All her thoughts were occupied with the hatred she felt. She couldn’t sit here chatting as if everything were normal.

‘There you see.’

Soon she had finished the drink.

‘I don’t usually buy cider for strange women, if that’s what you think. But I wanted to buy one for you.’

‘Is that so? Why me in particular?’

He stood looking at her in silence.

‘What’s your name?’

He gave her that smile again. Utterly disarming. And then those eyes that went right through her, as if he really wanted to see into her. But her hatred was her own, he mustn’t see it, no one could see it. If anyone should see her shameful hatred, it would make her weak. She had to learn to act normal, otherwise she would never be able to carry out her plan.

She took another swallow.

Good Lord, he had to be at least ten years younger than she was. Quite harmless. He would be good to practise on. For a while he had made her forget that she was the one in control. His undisguised interest had made her uncertain, but that was actually her goal for the evening. He was standing right in front of her and offering her everything she had come here to find. She suddenly regarded him with new interest. He wanted her even though she was at least ten years older. Could she ask for better proof?

She smiled again.

‘My name is Linda.’

She was astounded to hear her own lie. And how easy it was to deliver it. Actually it wasn’t even a lie. It wasn’t talented Eva who was standing at the bar, it was some other woman. A woman who had put aside everything she believed in and without the slightest pang of conscience was scheming to achieve her goal and take what she wanted even if it actually belonged to someone else.

To a Linda.

‘Hi, Linda. Would you like another cider?’

She saw to her dismay that the glass was empty. In the next moment she was aware of her intoxication. Everything suddenly far away, only the moment was present. A restful moment in which nothing really mattered very much. Nothing to gain, nothing to lose. She had the whole night ahead of her.

‘Sure. Why not?’

He looked pleased and called over the barman.

‘Can we get another round?’

She got her glass and they sat on their bar stools, he with his knees touching her and she with her arms resting on the bar. The barman changed the tape and took a few dance steps when the intro to an old Earth, Wind and Fire song poured out of the loudspeakers. She couldn’t remember what it was called. But they used to play it at parties in high school.

They sat in silence for a while. She wasn’t sure that she felt like staying, but she should at least give him a chance. He was just as good as any other man. She took another sip of cider and looked around. More patrons had arrived. A group of middle-aged Englishmen came in the door. In the mirror behind the bar she could see between the bottles that the man named Jonas was still watching her.

‘May I pay you a compliment?’

She turned her head and met his intense gaze. It made her want to stay and enjoy his unfeigned admiration.

‘Sure, be my guest.’

‘This might sound silly, but I think I’ll say it anyway.’

Suddenly he seemed embarrassed and glanced away for a few seconds before he looked at her again.

‘Do you know that you’re the only person in here who looks really alive?’

She laughed and took another sip.

‘Oh no, that’s a good one. I haven’t heard that one before.’

He was serious now. Just sat silently and looked at her.

She waved her hand in an attempt to make light of his seriousness.

‘I think they all look fairly alive. They’re moving, at least.’

A hint of irritation. A crease between his dark eyebrows.

‘You can make a joke about it if you like, but I meant what I said. It was intended as a compliment. You have a kind of sad look in your eyes, but it’s obvious that you have a heart that really knows how to love.’

His words pierced the soothing calm.

A heart that really knows how to love. Ha!

Her heart was as black as a windowless cellar. No love would ever be able to survive in there any more. But right now she was sitting in a bar in Gamla Stan, she and this Jonas who talked like a bad poet and was ten years younger but who looked at her with a desire that she couldn’t recall ever experiencing. She felt a sudden longing that he would touch her, lose control and let loose all the desire she could see in his eyes. Prove that he couldn’t resist her. That she was worth loving.

The alcohol gave her the courage she needed.

She turned towards him and met his eyes before she placed her hand over his on the bar.

‘Is it far to your place?’