Betrayal

‘Maybe you think I’m foolish, sitting here talking to you like this, but somewhere I’m sure you can hear me. I don’t know if you can understand, but it feels so clear that you will always be a part of me, maybe that’s how it is for all mothers, that the bond is never really cut, it just becomes extra clear when . . . oh Eva . . . my beloved, lovely little Eva, how could it turn out like this?

‘Forgive me. It doesn’t do any of us any good for me to sit here and cry but . . . it’s just so empty and lonely without you. Your father, he, I don’t know, we try to support each other as best we can but he, he can’t even bear to come here, even though I tell him it would surely be good for him.

‘Oh, if you could only give me a sign, anything at all, just show me somehow that you can hear me.

‘Axel asks about you all the time, it’s hard to know what’s the right thing to say. He’s started going to a different day-care as well, but I don’t quite understand why it was necessary to do that, now that . . . but Henrik refused to listen. He got so angry when I tried to convince him to let Axel stay where he was. I only thought it would have been best for him if everything didn’t have to change all at once. And you two, who did so much socialising with the other day-care parents. And in the neighbourhood. You used to have such a good time. We saw the boy that Axel used to play with, the dark-haired one. Is his name David or Daniel, I don’t remember? Anyway, he and his parents walked past on the street while we were out in the garden. Yes, Erik was there too, because we were helping Henrik saw down some bushes but Axel was in the house. Anyway, I thought it was a bit strange because they just walked right by as if they didn’t see us, or rather as if they didn’t want to see us. And Henrik, he just stood there and didn’t try to make contact either. I don’t know, I thought it felt odd, the two of you used to see them a lot, I thought. But maybe it’s hard for them to know what to say to us now that . . . People behave so strangely. I would like nothing better than for people to talk about you.

‘Little Axel. He’s grown so quiet. I’ve tried to get him to talk about how he feels, but . . . he doesn’t say much, he’s just waiting for you to come home. But things are going better and better at the new day-care, even though he wants me to stay with him there. Yes, I’m the one who has to take him there because Henrik, he . . . well, I don’t know but I should probably tell you the truth, we’re quite worried about him, I think he’s actually started drinking too much. Several times when I’ve called in the middle of the day it sounded like he was quite drunk, actually. It feels as though he’s isolating himself more and more, he doesn’t even seem to be working just now.

‘It’s so hard to know what to do, it’s obvious that we’re worried about how Axel is doing. How he’ll react to all this in the long run. We’ve told Henrik that Axel can stay with us as often as he likes, or that we can come there if it feels more comfortable to be at home, but . . . I think he wants to sell the house and move out. We’re trying to talk him into waiting a little longer, until we know for sure that . . . I know how much you’d like to stay living there.

‘Oh, it makes me so mad when I think about all you had ahead of you, once you’d finally made up your mind to make a change.

‘I’d so like to be able to ask you if it’s our fault, Erik’s and mine. Did we do something wrong that made you have such guilt feelings? Was it something in the way we brought you up? We were on your side, we would always be on your side, didn’t you understand that? How could you believe that anyone would judge you because you had finally found love in your life? I get so angry at you for being so stupid that you only wanted to run away from everything. I just don’t understand how you could do that to Axel. And why didn’t you tell us how bad you felt, why didn’t you let us help you?

‘Forgive me. But there are so many questions.

‘You can’t stop fighting, Eva, promise me that, if nothing else then for Axel’s sake. They told us that the chances are fifty-fifty for the examination tomorrow, and we mustn’t give up hope yet. I’m sure that the doctor is right, the one who said that he thought you could hear us. Erik hasn’t asked many doctors; apparently there’s a doctor at Karolinska who’s a specialist in this type of injury, I think his name is Sahlstedt or Sahlgren. We’ve tried to get hold of him but he seems to be on holiday this week and next. They said we should call him when he comes back.

‘Dear Eva, you have to keep fighting, you have so much to live for. If you knew how grateful I am that he was with you, that he managed to rescue you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man love anyone so devotedly. In the midst of all this I’m so thankful that you have him, that however things go tomorrow, the two of you managed to have the time together that you did.

‘It feels a bit easier for us to know that you had a chance to experience it even though you did what you did. And that he is here with you. All the time.’