Betrayal

She hadn’t slept a wink when she finally heard his key in the front door. In the dark she had restlessly paced back and forth past the windows facing the garden. She had sensed not a movement, not a sound, only pale shadows from the trees when the moon peeked out occasionally from the banks of clouds. And then the veiled, sweeping glow of the lights from the Nacka Masts.

As soon as she heard him coming she hurried into the bedroom and got in bed next to Axel. It was past four o’clock.

He was taking his time in the bathroom. Almost half an hour passed before she heard him come up the stairs and a minute later he lay down on the other side of the double bed. Only then did she turn over and pretend to be waking up.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’

He turned over on his side with his back to her.

‘Did you have a good time?’

‘Mmm.’

‘How was it with Micke?’

‘It was OK. Good night.’

By Sunday morning she noticed that there was something he wanted to say. His restless pacing from room to room continued, but he spent more and more time outside his office and actually in the same room as her. She didn’t intend to help him start the dialogue; she enjoyed watching him struggle. Finally, at the kitchen table over a quickly prepared lunch-time omelette, he summoned his courage. Axel, in his special chair at the end of the table, would serve as a shield in case of any conflict.

‘I thought about what you said, that maybe I should go away for a few days.’

She chose to sit in silence, taking Axel’s knife and helping him to scrape up the last remnants on his plate into an easily attacked pile.

‘I’m leaving on Monday morning if that’s OK. Just a couple of days.’

‘Of course. Where are you going?’

‘I’m not quite sure. I’ll just take the car and drive.’

‘Alone, or . . .’

‘Yes.’

Lying 101: To lie successfully, don’t answer a question too quickly. What an idiot.

She got up and began collecting the dishes.

‘You know there’s a meeting at day-care this evening, don’t you? I thought I’d ask Axel to stay with Mamma and Pappa so the two of us can go together.’

She saw him swallow.

‘I talked to Kerstin. Linda is apparently quite beside herself, poor thing. She has assured everybody that she wasn’t the one who sent those emails.’

He picked up his water glass and took a sip as she continued.

‘Do you know how that stuff works? Can someone else really go in and use her email programme?’

He got up and went over to put his glass in the dishwasher.

‘Evidently.’

Now he had obviously said all he was going to say. She realised that if she wanted him to say anything else she would have to do it now. Before he managed to take those twelve steps to his office.

‘But why would anyone want to do such a thing to her? The whole thing is just unbelievable, I mean she could lose her job over something like that. If someone’s playing a joke, then I have to say she must have odd friends.’

He didn’t intend to discuss the matter any longer, that was clear. The first seven steps across the floor towards sanctuary were already taken.

Her parents offered to come and fetch Axel, and the thought that Henrik might be forced to have a cup of coffee with his in-laws appealed to her. She baked a sponge cake and set the table in the living room to make it extra festive.

It took a while before Henrik joined them. He stayed behind his closed door as long as he could, and when he finally came and sat down his coffee was already cold. He went to the kitchen to empty his cup and then came back and sat down.

‘I suppose congratulations are in order.’

Her father had Axel on his lap.

‘Eva tells me you’re writing a big article for some magazine.’

Henrik gave his father-in-law a blank look.

‘Well, we heard that you celebrated the other day,’ her father continued in explanation.

Henrik glanced at Eva. She didn’t intend to help him out.

‘Oh yes, that one. Of course.’

‘Which magazine is it for?’

‘Oh, it’s a new one. I’m not sure of the name.’

And with that the topic was exhausted. Henrik drank his fresh coffee in silence, and her parents did their best to keep the conversation going. Eva mostly sat in amazement at the situation. This might be the last time they all sat here together. The last time.

Soon she would have to tell them, talk to them about money. She would need their help when she threw him out of the house.

But it wasn’t quite time for that yet.

‘Well, I suppose we should be heading home.’

It was not a question but a statement. She realised that they had all been sitting in utter silence at the table for quite a while, and when she glanced up her mother was looking at her. Her father’s chair scraped against the floor when he got up.

‘What do you say, Axel, would you like to come home with us while Mamma and Pappa go to a meeting?’

Eva began gathering up the coffee cups.

‘Axel, if you want to take something with you for Grandma and Grandpa, please go and get it. You can take the rucksack if you like.’

She picked up the plate with the sponge cake, which only Axel had sampled, and went out to the kitchen.

She heard Henrik take the opportunity to flee once more.

‘I’d better go back in and do some work. Bye, Axel, we’ll see you this evening.’

He passed by her outside the kitchen doorway without giving her so much as a glance.

It was a couple of hours until the meeting started. She sat down at the kitchen table with one of the stacks of papers from the kitchen counter. Unsorted mail, mostly in window envelopes, most of them to Henrik. It was a long time since he had opened any of them himself. Afraid that they would sit too long and that a bill might be paid late, she had started doing it for him. Neither of them had ever mentioned it. As with so much else. She would never dare relinquish control when it came to the bills, firmly convinced that he wouldn’t pay a single one on time. How could he if he didn’t even manage to open his own mail? And yet there was an unspoken desire that he should take greater responsibility for paying them.

Should have taken greater responsibility, that is.

That problem, like so many others, would soon be moot.

She looked around. She had expended so much effort, so much energy. The old drop-leaf table: how many antique shops had she visited before she found exactly the one she wanted? The pot on the floor that she managed to drag home from a holiday in Morocco. It had seemed so insanely important that she even paid an excess baggage fee because her suitcase was too heavy. The painting from her childhood home, the chairs that had cost a fortune, the canisters on the kitchen shelf that she never used but that stood there to add a homely touch. Everything suddenly felt spoiled. As if the familiar objects had been transformed and she was seeing them for the first time. Not one item moved her any longer. She couldn’t even remember how it had felt when they were important. All she had taken for granted was herself. Everything she had thought and valued, everything that had moved her, none of it was right any longer. It was as if a lens had been slid into place for her alone, making everything look different. Only she could see how meaningless it actually was. She was completely alone, her own world right next to the one that belonged to everyone else. And yet she sat there as usual and paid bills to the world outside.

The door to the office opened. He went into the living room but came right back, picked up a toy from the floor and put it on the kitchen counter and disappeared into his office again.

She glanced through a brochure from the Council, put it in the pile to recycle, and opened the next envelope.

Then he came out again and made another round for no apparent reason. When he did it the third time a few minutes later she couldn’t restrain herself any longer.

‘Are you restless?’

She tore out the window from the envelope and put what was left in the recycling pile.

He probably imagined she said ‘Hurry back into your office and don’t come out again until it’s time to leave,’ because that was exactly what he did.

Evidently it was too much to expect an answer to her question.

Then it was finally time. She felt in unusually high spirits, as if they were on their way to some long-anticipated celebration.

He drove and she sat next to him in the Golf; it was more practical. For that matter, he could take it with him; the Saab was hers and had been paid for by the firm.

‘By the way, I’m sorry I made you lie to Pappa. About the job. That’s not what I intended.’

He didn’t answer. His eyes were fixed straight ahead, his hands on the wheel at ten to two.

She continued.

‘I just didn’t feel like telling him what was going on last Thursday when Axel slept over. That we needed to have some time alone, you and I.’

Some sort of sound came out of him this time, no words but more like a grunt.

She smiled slightly into the darkness and put her hand familiarly over his on the gearstick.

You’re so good at lying. I had no idea.’

The playroom was already filled with parents with light-blue plastic booties pulled over their shoes. Chairs had been set out on the green floor, but most of the parents were standing in groups and talking in low voices. Neither Kerstin or Linda could be seen. Henrik went over and took a chair by the door. His fingers were drumming nervously against the side of the chair.

Eva went over to Jakob’s mother and looked around.

‘It seems as if most people thought it was a good idea to have a meeting.’

Annika Ekberg nodded.

‘Yes, they did. Thanks for your help.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

The murmuring stopped when Kerstin appeared in the doorway. No one in the room could claim that she looked very happy.

‘Hi everyone, and I’ll say welcome even though it’s not exactly a pleasant occasion this evening. Well, you might as well take your seats.’

Like obedient day-care children they did as she asked. Thirty-two parents in their plastic-bootied feet sat down. Eva’s chair stood next to that of her lawfully wedded husband.

‘As I’m sure you all understand, Linda is finding all this incredibly trying. Once again I’d like to assure you that she wasn’t the one who sent you those emails; none of us has any idea how it happened. The Council’s computer department will be starting its investigation first thing tomorrow morning. It wasn’t possible to get hold of anyone over the weekend.’

‘Isn’t Linda here?’

It was Simon’s mother who asked. Her tone was full of mistrust, and it was obvious to everyone in the room that she definitely did not appreciate the love letter to her husband.

Welcome to the club.

‘Yes, here she comes now. I just want to say one thing first.’

She stepped aside and made room for Linda, who appeared in the doorway, head bowed. Kerstin placed an arm protectively round her shoulders, and the contact made Linda sniffle a bit. Eva saw Henrik clenching his hands out of the corner of her eye.

Linda cleared her throat but kept her gaze fixed on the padded rug.

Go ahead and look. It won’t help you.

Then she opened her mouth to speak in her defence.

‘I don’t know what to say.’

The room was dead silent. For a long time it was quiet, long enough to make her start crying in earnest. She hid her face in one hand and Henrik squirmed uncomfortably in his chair.

‘Is there anyone beside you who has access to your email?’

Eva didn’t recognise the voice asking the question behind her back.

‘No, not that I know of, and now I can’t get into it myself any longer. It seems as if the password has been changed.’

Try cock-teaser.

There was another silence, but not as long this time.

‘So what was in the emails?’

A female voice this time, also unfamiliar.

‘I don’t know. As I said, I didn’t write them and didn’t read them either.’

‘I can read it out loud if you like.’

Simon’s father took a folded piece of paper from his jacket pocket and cleared his throat before he began to read, dry and matter-of-fact, as if from the minutes of a board meeting.

My love,

Every minute, every moment I am wherever you are. Merely the knowledge that you exist makes me happy. I live for the brief times we have together. I know that what we’re doing is wrong, that we shouldn’t feel the way we do, but how could I ever say no? I don’t know how many times I’ve decided to try and forget you, but then you stand there in front of me and I just can’t. If everything came out I would probably lose my job, you would lose your family, everything would be chaos. And yet I can’t stop loving you. The instant I pray that all this had never happened, I’m scared to death that my prayer might be answered. I realise that I am ready to lose everything as long as I can be with you.

I love you, your L

It was as if the very air in the room were transformed as he read it aloud. With each syllable he read, Linda raised her eyes centimetre by centimetre until she met Henrik’s. Eva turned a bit so she could look at him. His expression was impossible to read. Terror-stricken was the first word that popped into her mind. Then he turned to her and for the first time in a long while they looked at each other. And she saw that he was afraid. Afraid that his suspicions might turn out to be true. That she knew everything. Then she smiled to him and stood up.

‘Listen, everyone, I’d like to say one thing if it’s OK. Since it’s obvious that Linda didn’t send these emails, we have to believe what she says. I mean, just imagine if you were subjected to something like this and then had to stand up in front of all of us and defend yourself.’

She turned to Linda.

‘I truly understand that this must be hell for you. I think you have shown tremendous courage to meet with us all today.’

But shut your trap, you goddamn bitch, before you start slobbering too.

She turned to the group again.

‘What do you say? We might as well let that computer department figure this out, then we can try and forget it ever happened. We have to think of the children above all else. Don’t you agree?’

A faint murmur and then some who began nodding. Henrik had assumed the same expression as Linda and sat with his mouth open, staring at her.

Yet another common feature they could build their future upon.

Simon’s mother was the only one who seemed to have another opinion. That this shouldn’t just be forgotten as if it had never happened.

Eva turned to Linda and Kerstin, and smiled. Kerstin gratefully acknowledged her smile, and perhaps that’s what Linda was trying to do as well, it was hard to tell.

Kerstin took a step forward and put her hand on Eva’s arm.

‘Thank you, Eva, thank you very much.’

She let her gaze wander over the crowd of parents.

‘Linda has asked for a few days off next week, and I think that’s a good idea. She might need a little rest after all this.’

Eva glanced at Henrik, who was now sitting and staring at the floor. She knew that he would never dare ask her whether his suspicions were true. That would mean admitting what a cowardly and lying jerk he was.

She was still in control.

And the next morning she would wave good-bye to him from their driveway and say how much she hoped he would have a good time on holiday, and above all she would ask him to drive carefully.

She would have a full schedule while he was gone.