Betrayal

Maybe she had slept for an hour or so when the clock radio went on, she didn’t know. She had spent the hours of dawn in a half-slumber, something inside her prevented her from sleeping properly, she had to be on guard. Asleep she was defenceless.

She reached out her arm and put off the alarm, got up and pulled on her robe. He lay there on the other side of the double bed, motionless and with his eyes closed; whether he was asleep or not it was impossible to tell. The distaste she felt made her wide awake. All feelings directed inward, in towards the dark. The fatigue could not reach her.

Nothing could reach her.

She leaned forward and slid her hands under Axel’s sleeping body. She carefully lifted him up, carried him from the room and pushed the bedroom door shut.

She sank down in the sofa in the living room and looked at his sleeping face. So innocent, so completely free of guilt. She closed her eyes and forced back the pain prompted by his closeness. He was the only one who made her feel vulnerable, and there was no room for weakness now. In some way she had to defend herself against the feelings he awakened in her. Shield herself. If she allowed herself to give in she was lost, a victim, poor Axel’s rejected mamma who had lost control over her life. Sometime in the future he would understand that she did it all for his sake. That she was the one who took responsibility and tried to protect him, not like his father.

‘Axel, you have to wake up now. It’s time to go to day-care.’

They arrived a bit late, just as she had planned. The children were already sitting on the floor in the playroom waiting for the session, and all the parents had hurried off to their jobs. Axel hung his jacket on the hook and at the same moment Linda came in from the kitchen with the fruit bowl in her hands.

‘Hi, Axel.’

‘Hi.’

A quick smile in her direction and then her gaze on Axel again.

‘Come on, Axel, let’s go in. The session is starting soon.’

There was a calm about her. The hatred felt almost enjoyable. All her energy was focused and she herself was without guilt. None of this ever had to happen, they were the ones who were forcing her. It was odd how a couple of unfamiliar earrings in one’s shower could sharpen the senses.

Her words sharpened to spear tips.

‘Oh Linda, have you got a moment? There’s something I have to say.’

She could see a glint of fear in the other woman’s eyes and was enjoying her power.

‘Yes, of course. Axel, go in and sit down, then I’ll come in and we can wave out the window.’

He did as she said. Maybe he could sense her resolve. He vanished into the playroom and she turned back to Linda, looked at her for a while, conscious of the nervousness her silence was creating. Linda stood perfectly still. Only the fruit bowl in her hands was shaking.

‘Well, it’s like this . . . it’s a bit difficult to talk about but . . . I still wanted to do it for Axel’s sake.’

She fell silent again, resting in her advantage.

‘It’s just that . . . we’re having a few problems at home right now, Henrik and I, and I thought it would be good if you heard about it, with regard to Axel, I mean. I don’t know how aware he is but . . . in any case I do know how much he relies on you here at day-care, and it will probably be even more important for a while until we’ve managed to sort all this out.’

Linda’s eyes searched the room in the hope of finding something to fix her gaze on.

‘I see.’

I see? Weren’t you the one who was so damned fantastic to talk with?

‘I just wanted to tell you this, for Axel’s sake.’

‘Sure. Naturally.’

They stood motionless. It was clear that Linda wanted nothing more than to be allowed to leave. Maybe this was how they found each other. Realised that they shared the same improbable cowardice, always wanting to flee from anything that could be considered a real conversation.

Eva held her fast with her gaze.

‘What a nice jumper you’re wearing, by the way.’

Linda looked down at her jumper as if she had never seen it before.

‘Thanks.’

Yes, little Linda. Now you’ve got a little something to wonder about.

‘Will you tell Axel that I’ll wave to him in the window?’

‘Of course.’

‘And thanks for listening.’

She smiled and put her hand confidingly on Linda’s forearm.

‘It feels so good to be able to tell you this. I’m sure that everything will work out. Every marriage has its ups and downs from time to time.’

She smiled, and maybe that’s what Linda was trying to do as well.

‘We’ll come to get him at four as usual.’

She kept her hand on Linda’s arm a moment too long before she turned to go.

He still wasn’t awake when she got home. The door to the bedroom was closed, and she continued into the kitchen and put on some coffee. She had called in to work from her mobile. It was a serious flu she had come down with, and the doctor had given her a sick note, so it was probably best if Håkan took over her project for a while.

She took out the guest bed with the fold-down legs that had been a wedding present from Cissi and Janne. It was still in its original box and had barely been used.

Never before had an idea been so clear, so pure, so utterly free of hesitation and doubt. There was only a single driving force, and it was so powerful that it shoved everything else aside, justified every step she took, every thought.

One step at a time. It was the here and now that mattered. The future that she wanted no longer existed, he had taken it away from her.

Now she just had to see to it that he lost the future he wanted too.

And he wouldn’t even know what hit him.

She finished making up the guest bed and stopped outside the bedroom door. She tried to smile a few times to practice her expression, but she mustn’t overdo it. She had to try to behave like the Eva he thought he knew, the one who existed twenty hours ago, or else he would be suspicious.

She pressed down the handle with her arm and pushed open the door with her foot. He was awake and raised himself up on his elbow.

‘Good morning.’

He didn’t reply.

Didn’t you hear me say good morning, you fucking pig?

He lay silent, staring at her as if it were a sharp axe and not a tray she held in her hands.

‘What’s that?’

She took a step into the room.

‘It’s called breakfast in bed.’

She was at his side and resisted the temptation to dump the hot coffee in his face. He sat up and she carefully set the tray over his legs.

‘You don’t have to worry, I don’t intend to seduce you. I just want to talk a little.’

She smiled into the darkness, well aware that this was an even greater threat.

Then she sat down at the foot of the bed, as far from him as she could get without leaving the room.

He sat quite still, pinned down by the tray straddling his legs.

‘As you may have noticed, I wasn’t home last night.’

‘No. It would have been nice if you’d said something before you left.’

She swallowed. She couldn’t let herself be provoked. The new Eva was a good, fine person who understood that he must have been worried.

‘I know, that was stupid. I apologise, but I had to get out of here for a while.’

He didn’t give in, but made use of the occasion to share some of his guilty conscience.

‘Axel was sad and wondered where you were.’

She clenched her fist and concentrated on the pain her nails caused as they dug into her palm.

If you want to talk about guilt, then let’s do that. Who causes him the most harm.

‘I was out walking all night.’

She dropped her gaze and stroked her hand across the blue-checked sheet.

‘I was thinking about everything that’s happened here at home recently, how we’re not getting along, how we act towards each other. I realise that it’s just as much my fault that it’s turned out like this.’

She looked up at him but had a hard time reading his reaction. His face was blank. He had been ready for strife and conflict and clearly didn’t know how to act when she lay prostrate at his feet.

She smiled into the darkness again.

‘I’d like to apologise for getting so angry about that thing about Maria at Widman’s. Just to clear the air a bit, I realise that it’s great that you have her to talk to, that it might actually be a good thing for us. If she’s as smart as you say she is, she can probably help us get through all this.’

His expression made her lower her eyes again. She turned her head so that he wouldn’t notice her smile and then kept talking with her face turned away.

‘I know that you’ve been feeling bad for a while, and you said yourself that you don’t think it’s fun any more.’

She looked at him again.

‘Why don’t you go away for a little while? Think about how you want things to be, what it is you want. I’ll take care of everything at home in the meantime, it’s completely OK. The main thing is that you feel good again.’

He sat utterly still.

Well, Henrik, now it’s a little harder, isn’t it?

She stood up.

‘I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you need me, I always have been even if I might not have been good at showing it sometimes. I’ll do my best to try and improve. I’m here, and I always will be.’

Now he looked almost sick. His thighs were pressed against the underside of the tray and some of the coffee in the cup sloshed over the edge and ran under the plate of sandwiches.

She was amazed that she ever could have touched him. He sat there looking so pitiful and timid that she wanted to hit him.

Get up damn you, and stand up for yourself!

She backed towards the door. She had to get out of the room before she lost control.

The last thing she saw was how he lifted the tray aside. She left the bedroom, continued downstairs and went straight to the gun cabinet.