Betrayal

He lay utterly still, couldn’t move, as if split in two. One half filled with a satisfaction and an anticipation that he didn’t think it was possible to feel. Everything he had ever dreamed of.

Ten hours earlier he hadn’t even known that she existed and, now, in the short time he had known her, she had given him everything he could ever have desired. Trembling she had given herself to him, offered him her most sensitive places. The trust she showed had opened his mind wide, all was tenderness, an explosion when the loneliness cracked open.

And then the calm she created. Her confident hands over his skin covered him with a protective layer, purified him, set him free. All the desire that had so long chafed inside him had burst out and flowed into her. The emptiness was gone.

But then the devastating knowledge that he had no right to feel this way.

The other half contained the guilt.

Now it was proven. In a swift descent he had become a deceiver and a cheat. He had let Anna lie alone while he gave himself to another woman. Poured out all the desire he had been saving so long for her. That she should have received.

He was no better than his father.

She was gone when he woke up. Only a brown hair on the pillow proved that she had really been there. The hair, and the sated hunger of his skin.

They hadn’t said a word to each other. Their hands and bodies had told all they needed to know.

He sat up and was aware of the cold in the room. He had forgotten to turn on the heater when they came home. He wondered if she had felt cold. He turned the thermostat all the way up in the living room and the kitchen and went into the bathroom. The light was on and the blue-edged hand towel was tossed on the floor. He felt a slight pang of distaste but it couldn’t reach him. Her touch lay like a shield around him, an impenetrable armour, it couldn’t reach him any longer.

He hung up the towel and turned on the water in the bathtub, waited until it was half full and then climbed in. The hot water reminded him of her hands and he could feel his desire rise again. So many years he had forbidden himself to give in. Now he could no longer resist the urge, not even now after she had just left. What had she succeeded in waking inside him?

He sat down and leaned back. The memory of her nakedness was like a lifelong gift. He could see her before him. How she had closed her eyes and abandoned herself to the pleasure he could give her.

Her hands. Her lips. The taste of her. Her skin against his, united, no beginning, no end.

How could he have resisted her? She was everything he dreamed of. A vibrant woman who wanted to have him, take hold of him, love him. Made him reach a pleasure he didn’t think was possible. What terrible god could possibly demand that he say no?

He got up, climbed out of the bathtub and dried himself with the blue-edged hand towel. The one she must have just used. Suddenly he felt like crying. How could he touch Anna now that his hands were full to the brim with another woman?

With Linda.

He hardly dared think of her name. Anna would discover what had happened. She would feel the betrayal, that he hadn’t managed to keep his promise.

And what would he say when Linda called? She hadn’t asked for his phone number, but she knew where he lived. He was here in the bathroom, but all his desire was with her.

He sat down on the toilet seat and put his head in his hands.

No matter what he did, he would have to betray one of them.

He had to go to the hospital. Right now, he had to drive over to see Anna and confess what he had done. He had to win her forgiveness. Without it he could not survive.

The telephone rang. He looked at his watch. Ten past seven. Naked he went back into the living room. It must be her. Who else would call this early? She must have called enquiries to get his phone number. What should he say? And how could he resist answering and hearing her voice?

The most fantastic thing was that he could answer after five rings. It couldn’t affect him any more. His whole body smiled with this realisation when he picked up the receiver and answered.

‘Hi, this is Jonas.’

‘Jonas, this is Björn Sahlstedt at Karolinska Hospital. It’s probably best if you come over. Right away.’