Forty Stories

Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Where art thou hidden, my dearest?

Where shall I find thee?

POPULAR SONG

1st: Take off your hat! Wearing hats is forbidden here!

2nd: It’s not a hat! It’s a silk topper!

1st: It’s all the same thing.…

2nd: I assure you it is not the same thing.… You can buy a hat for fifty kopecks, but just try to buy a silk topper …

1st: Hats, toppers … all of them …

2nd (removing topper): Explain yourself more clearly. (Provokingly.) Hats, hats, I say!

1st: Please be quiet! You are preventing the others from hearing!

2nd: It’s you who are talking and preventing them from hearing, not me! My dear fellow, I was keeping my mouth shut! In fact, I would have been absolutely quiet if you hadn’t annoyed me!

1st: Shushshsh …

2nd: How dare you shush me? (After a silence.) I, too, can say shush. You don’t have to gape at me, either!… You can’t frighten me!… I’ve seen others like you.…

Wife of 2nd: Keep quiet now! You’ve said enough!

2nd: Why does he have it in for me? I wasn’t disturbing him, was I? Didn’t say anything, did I? Then why does he have to crawl all over me? Or maybe you think I should complain to his superior?

1st: Later, later … Now keep quiet!…

2nd: You can see I’ve got him scared. Just as they say, the devil catches his tail, or the tail catches the devil.…

Voice from public: Shushshshsh …

2nd: Even the public has noticed it! His job is to keep order, but instead he creates disorder. (Smiles sarcastically.) And all those medals on his chest! Sword, too!… Well, dear public, you’ll soon see sparks flying. (The 1st leaves for a moment.)

2nd: He was ashamed of himself—that’s why he went away. It would appear that he is not entirely without honor, seeing that he was overcome with shame by his words.… If he had delivered himself of one word more, I assure you I would have given him a mouthful. I know how to make fellows like that run off with their tails between their legs.

Wife of 2nd: Please keep quiet! They are all staring at you!

2nd: Let them stare at me! I paid for my seat with my own money, not with someone else’s.… And if I have to unburden myself, you don’t have to nag!… He’s gone now.… Well, I won’t say another word.… If he hadn’t sailed into me, I wouldn’t have started talking, would I? Wouldn’t have any reason for talking.… I know that.… (Applauds.) Bis! Bis!

1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th (as though they had sprung out of the ground): Come on now! Out you go!

2nd: Why? Where? (Turning pale.) What’s the reason for all this?

1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th: Come on now! (They take him by the arms.) Don’t kick out with your legs! Forward, march! (They drag him off.)

2nd: I paid with my own money, didn’t I?… It’s a rotten shame!…

Voice from public: Seems they just arrested a thief.

October 1884