Hippie

38

Paulo turned to Karla.

“Your turn.”

Yes, she knew. She paid the bill, and they walked to the edge of the strait. They could hear the cars blowing their horns on the bridge, but they were incapable of ruining the moon, the water, the view of Istanbul.

“Today I sat on the other side and spent hours watching the river flow. I thought back on how I’ve lived up until now, the men I’ve met, and my behavior, which never seemed to change. I was tired of myself.

“I asked myself: Why am I like this? Am I the only one, or are there others incapable of love? I’ve known many men in my life who were eager to do everything for me, and I never loved any of them. At times, I thought I’d finally met my Prince Charming, but this feeling didn’t last long—and soon I couldn’t stand the person anymore, no matter how caring, attentive, and loving he was. I didn’t give any explanation, I simply told them the truth—they would try everything to win me over again, but it was useless. The simple touch of their hands on my arm, in an attempt to make things all right, repulsed me.

“I’ve been with people who threatened to commit suicide—thank God it was only a threat. I’ve never felt jealousy. At a certain time in my life, when I passed the barrier of twenty, I thought I was sick. I’ve never been faithful—I always found other lovers, even when I was with someone willing to do everything for me. I met a psychiatrist, or a psychoanalyst, I’m not exactly sure which, and we went to Paris. It was the first time someone noticed this, and then he started in with his labels—I needed medical attention, my body lacked some hormones. Instead of looking for help, what I did was return to Amsterdam.

“As you’ve no doubt noticed and imagined, I seduce men rather easily. But soon thereafter, I lose interest. That’s why I had the idea of going to Nepal: I considered never returning, growing old discovering my love for God—which, I admit, until now is only something that I think I feel, but I’m not entirely sure.

“The fact is I never found an answer to my question, I didn’t want to consult doctors, I simply wanted to disappear from the world and dedicate my life to contemplation. Nothing more.

“Because a life without love isn’t worth living. What is a life without love? It’s a tree that bears no fruit. It’s sleeping without dreaming. At times, it’s even an inability to sleep. It’s living one day after another waiting for the sun to shine into a room that is completely shut up, painted black, where you know where the key is but have no desire to open the door and go out.”

Her voice began to crack, as though she were about to cry. Paulo drew near and tried to embrace her, but she pushed him away.

“I’m still not finished. I’ve always been an expert at manipulating others, and this gave me such confidence in myself, in my superiority, that subconsciously I repeated to myself: I’ll only give completely of myself the day someone appears who is capable of taming me. And to this day, that person has yet to appear.”

She turned to him, her eyes, which one might have expected to be full of tears, were filled with sparks.

“Why are you here, in this land of dreams? Because I wanted. Because I needed company and I thought you were the ideal companion, even after seeing all your shortcomings—pretending you were a free man as you followed the Hare Krishna through the streets, going to that house of the rising sun to show how brave you were, when really it was just stupid. Accepting my invitation to see a windmill—a windmill!—as if you were taking a trip to Mars.”

“You insisted.”

Karla hadn’t insisted, she’d merely made a suggestion, but apparently her suggestions were generally taken as orders. She continued, without bothering to explain further.

“And that was the day, when we came back from seeing the windmill and went after what I wanted—to buy the ticket to Nepal—that I realized I was falling for you. Not for any particular reason, nothing had changed from the day before, it wasn’t any gesture or thing that you’d said—absolutely nothing. But I was falling hard. And I knew, as I had each time before, that this feeling wouldn’t last long—you’re completely wrong for me.

“I kept waiting for the feeling to pass, but it never did. When we started talking to Rayan and Mirthe, I felt jealous for the first time. I’d been envious, angry, insecure before, but jealous? Jealous wasn’t part of my universe. I thought you all should have been paying more attention to me, this independent, beautiful, intelligent, strong-willed woman. I decided it wasn’t exactly jealousy of Mirthe that I felt but envy at the fact that I wasn’t the center of attention at that moment.”

Karla took his hand.

“And then this morning, as I sat watching the river and remembered the night we danced together around the bonfire, I discovered it wasn’t some temporary infatuation I felt—no, nothing like that, it was love. Even after our intimate moment last night, when you showed just how bad a lover you could be, I was still in love with you. When I sat on the bank of the strait, I was still in love with you. I know that I love you and I know that you love me. And that we could spend the rest of our lives together, on the road, in Nepal, in Rio, on a desert island. I love you and I need you in my life.

“Don’t ask me why I’m telling you this now—I’ve never said this to anyone, and you know I’m telling you the truth. I love you and I’m not looking to explain my feelings.”

She turned to face him, waiting for Paulo to kiss her. There was something strange in his kiss, and he said maybe it was better they return to Europe, to the hotel—it had been a full day, full of emotions and absolute fascination.

Karla felt afraid.

Paulo was even more afraid; the truth was he was having a beautiful adventure with her—there were moments of passion, moments he never wanted her to leave his side, but all that was over.

No, he didn’t love her.