Need You Dead

62 Monday 25 April

He’d heard it said that you cross a personal Rubicon when you kill. And now he understood that. Murder was the one act for which there was no possible restitution. He preferred to think of it as an act rather than a crime. He wasn’t a criminal and he still was not sure that Lorna Belling’s death was as a result of his act.

Not completely sure.

Maybe he never would be. But the one thing he was sure of was that no one was ever going to get him over her death.

Detective Superintendent Roy Grace, you’re a smart man and you have a smart team behind you. Honestly, if I ever had the misfortune to have a loved one murdered, you are the detective I would want to have heading the enquiry. Well, let’s put this into perspective. Ordinarily I would.

Really, and I’m not just saying this out of bullshit. It’s true.

Because you are so smart.

And this is the problem I have with you.

I can’t go down over this, it’s just not an option. If it ends up in a choice of you or me, I’m afraid it would have to be you.

I know you’ll think I’ve probably lost the plot and you’d be right. Everything’s broken loose inside my head, the fixings have all sheared, the stuff — my thoughts — are all over the place and I’m having a hard time holding them together.

But please take one thing with you — and it is this: My respect for you. You’re good! Shit. You are really good! But get too close and you’ll be a goner, just like sweet Lorna. And that thought makes me sad.

Really, very sad.

In another life you and I could have been just fine.

But it doesn’t look like it’s working out that way.

So sad.