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Chapter 21

THE PROFESSOR BROUGHT OUT new art supplies in Humanities. There were little pots of shocking colored paints and brushes. I picked one up and looked at it dubiously. I ran the bristles across my hand. It tickled.

It seemed like a very impractical instrument for making pictures—how could you be precise with tons of little flopping bristles? The sharp-tipped markers I’d always used before seemed like a far better idea.

I sat in front of one of the large blank pieces of canvas the Professor had set up at stations throughout the room. He gave brief instructions and set out a bowl of vegetables, but he said we could paint whatever we wanted. City was laughing and joking with Rand, who was quickly making a mess on his canvas. Cole immediately began working quietly in the corner, glancing around the room occasionally. Adrien had skipped class. Again.

I swallowed and dabbed the tip of my brush into the red, but stopped before it touched the canvas. The paint was globbed on the bristles. I’d picked up too much. I didn’t know how to do this. I tried wiping some of the red off on the edge of the pot, but it still looked like too much on the brush. If I put it to the canvas now, it’d just be a mess. I screwed the tops back on the pots, feeling an embarrassed heat flush my neck. I was supposed to be the artist.

But then, I was supposed to be so many things.

I dropped the paint brush into the cleaning solution and moved my chair away from the canvas. I pulled out a piece of paper from a stack in the corner and a marker. There, that was better. I started sketching the room and the people in it. City and Rand kept moving around, and I wished I could tell them to stand still. I tried to get their proportions as correctly as I could. I almost wished I was connected to the Link so I could see the technical schematics laid across my vision. I could be so much more exact that way.

Professor Henry called me to stay after class. The heat in my neck returned.

“May I?” he asked, gesturing to the paper I’d been drawing on. I handed it over and watched him eye it critically.

“It’s very…” he paused, “accurate.”

“Is that good?” I asked in a small voice.

The Professor laughed. “Zoe, art isn’t about good or bad.” He handed the paper back to me. “It’s about letting yourself feel things, and then trying to communicate those feelings. Here, let me show you something.” He led me over to the canvas in the corner where Cole had been working. The canvas had been pointed at the wall, so it wasn’t until we walked around that I could see it.

Tears immediately pricked my eyes. “It’s beautiful.”

There wasn’t any clear image or figures in the picture. Instead, it was a wash of color, vibrant red spreading into shocking blue, with dabs of white and yellow throughout.

It looked like delight. Or maybe that’s just what looking at it made me feel.

“But he’s an ex-Reg,” I turned to the Professor.

“It’s harder for them than it was for the rest of you glitchers,” the Professor said, “but Cole’s living proof that no matter how much metal you put in a person, you can’t take away their humanity. Cole just has to fight harder for it.”

I immediately thought of how I always felt a rush of relief right before I clicked into the Link each night. It felt like a free pass. For a while I didn’t have to try to sort out the emotions, I could just let them dull to gray. But here Cole was, fighting to keep them.

“But why?” I whispered. “Why does he try so hard?”

“Oh, Zoe,” the Professor said with a smile, “look at the canvas. Can’t you see why?”

I couldn’t stop thinking about the canvas as I walked out of the class and down the empty hallway. I wanted to be like Cole and paint in color. I wanted to feel things, I was just tired of feeling bad things. I’d had enough of bad things. But I’d also felt the emotions Cole had captured in the painting before—beauty, color, delight. I’d felt them with Adrien.

My wrist com buzzed with a message:

I’m waiting for you at your dorm.

It was as if Adrien had read my thoughts. I felt a flush of warmth and smiled. I hurried down the hallway to my dorm. He was waiting outside the door for me, his face dark and intense.

“I’m sorry,” he said as soon as I got close. He pulled me into a tight embrace. His words were a whisper against my neck. “I’ve been an idiot. I let this project I was working on distract me from what’s really important. So tonight,” he pulled back and brought my hands to his lips. He kissed my fingertips. “We are going on a date.”

“What’s that?” I asked, my heart fluttering erratically at his touch.

“It’s what they used to call them in the Old World,” he grinned. “Just two people going out to dinner. And not at the Caf.”

I scrunched up my face, confused. “Why not? We’ve repaired most of the fire damage. Everyone’s been eating there all week.”

“Because,” he laughed, then leaned in to kiss my nose. “The whole point is that it’s just the two of us together. Alone.” His voice dropped on the last word in a way that sent a quick shiver up my spine.

He’d been so distant the past few weeks, but here he was, grinning genuinely like there wasn’t a thing to worry about.

I shook away the confusion and smiled back at him. A night of forgetting about everything and simply being together sounded perfect.

“A date,” I said. “Will I eat my gruel out of a fancy cup?”

“Don’t ruin the surprise,” he smiled. “I already know you’re going to love it.”

I started. “Wait, you’ve had a vision of our date? No fair!”

He winked at me. “Let’s just say I have a good feeling about it. I’ll come back by your dorm room at seven so I can escort you to dinner.”

“This is so romantic,” Ginni squealed, and for once, Xona didn’t even bother to roll her eyes.

Ginni had pulled me in front of the mirror for the last half hour and was curling and pinning my hair up in intricate ways.

“I wish I had a boy who would ask me on dates. We’d talk about the books I love and he wouldn’t mind that I talk so much. In fact, that’s what he’d like about me most. We’d talk for hours and…” She paused. I looked at her in the mirror and her face held a puzzled frown.

“What?”

“Oh,” she giggled, shaking her head. “I just had the weirdest sense that I had met someone. But that’s impossible.”

“All those romantic books are giving you hallucinations. I knew reading that much couldn’t be healthy,” Xona said.

Ginni swatted at Xona with a spare piece of cloth from the sewing table. A knock sounded at the door.

I jumped up to open it. Adrien was wearing clothes I’d never seen before. His shirt was dark and fitted, and it slimmed into pants that hung a little off his hips. He’d even done something to tame his curls. My stomach did a little flip-flop.

He stared at me, his mouth dropping open a little. “You’re so beautiful.”

I was suddenly very glad I’d let Ginni talk me into wearing the skirt she’d made.

“I brought something for you.” He held up a small rectangular box. I opened it and gasped. A small silver chain was nestled inside with a blue stone embedded in a circular pendant. I touched the delicate stone with the tip of my finger. The tiny facets sparkled in the light whenever I moved the box. I’d never seen anything like it.

“It’s a necklace,” Adrien said, his voice a little higher-pitched than normal. “Henk helped me get it. Here, allow me.” He pulled the necklace from the box, then moved behind me and draped the chain over my neck, the little pendant hanging like a teardrop. His fingers trembled as he lifted my hair and closed the clasp. He leaned in from behind, his voice a whisper. “Don’t take it off, even when you sleep. I want a little part of me to be with you all the time.”

“It’s so pretty!” Ginni squealed.

I put my hand to my neck and traced the chain down to the pendent. I’d never owned something so special in all my life. I turned to look at Adrien. He’d pulled back slightly, but he held out an arm.

“Shall we?” he said.

I glanced back and saw Ginni’s swooning face. I laughed and grabbed Adrien’s proffered arm.

“We shall,” I said.

We walked down the hallway, and I felt a bit silly in the skirt. It whooshed around my legs in a way I wasn’t used to, and my calves were bare. It was a strange sensation.

Adrien raised one eyebrow and grinned as we passed the Caf. He finally stopped when we came to the training room.

“Are we going to be lifting weights or perfecting my aim?”

He smirked. “Neither.” He opened the door and I stepped in.

The lights were dimmed like they were during meditation, but in the farthest corner I could see a small table set up. Someone had draped a deep magenta fabric over the plain white walls beside the table, and as I came closer, I saw some of my newer drawings had been hung up. My brother’s face, my parents, even Max.

“I thought you might like to be surrounded by all the people you love tonight.”

I felt myself tearing up. I turned and hugged him. “It’s perfect,” I said.

He pulled back with a laugh. “But you haven’t even seen everything tonight has to offer.” The table itself had been covered in cloth too—a bright blue triangle piece was set over a bigger white cloth that draped over the edges of the table. A single rose spun in the light from a projection cube set in the center of the table.

Adrien popped the top of a tall bottle and poured sparkling liquid into our glasses.

“What is that?” I leaned in closer.

“The Community rations finally arrived, and I had Henk toss in some champagne as well.”

“But won’t I be allergic to it?”

“Nope. We’ve tested everything you’re going to eat tonight. It was all produced in the underground Community hothouses, with zero Surface allergens.”

“Wait,” I paused as what he said sank in. “You mean I’ll finally get to eat real food?”

He nodded, his grin so wide I thought it would split his face. “Surprise.”

I let out a giddy squeal and clapped my hands like Ginni did when she was excited.

“My lady,” he said, and held out a chair for me.

“Tonight you get to feast on braised beef and carrots, in a red wine sauce.” He clicked his com, and a few moments later, Jilia walked in carrying two loaded plates. She set them down in front of us.

“Thank you,” I said, but she didn’t respond, she just smiled and then walked out again.

I took a deep drink of the champagne and almost coughed because of the bubbles that seemed to fizz in my nose.

“Start out slow,” he said, patting my back as my coughs died down. “Take sips, not gulps.”

“It stung,” I said, my eyes watering.

Adrien laughed. “It does take a little while to get used to. But hurry, take a bite of the beef before it cools down too much.”

I did as he said, and immediately closed my eyes to focus on the flavor. The beef seemed to melt on my tongue, it was so tender and juicy. I’d never had anything like it in my entire life. When Adrien said Community rations, I thought he meant the hard bread and protein patties I’d eaten every morning of my life, not this. A low groan escaped my throat.

I looked back up at him. He hadn’t even taken a bite yet. He was just watching me. I blushed slightly and ducked my head.

We ate quietly for several minutes, both of us enjoying the sumptuous flavors.

“Remember how you used to explain emotion words to me?” I asked after I’d finished the last of the meat.

He nodded.

“I’ve been experiencing emotion for long enough now that I think I understand most of them, but every now and then another one will surprise me.”

He smiled. “Like what?”

“Like this right now.” I put my hand to my chest. “I feel warm and happy, but that doesn’t quite seem to describe it. It’s something more than that. What do you call it?”

Adrien’s face turned thoughtful, his eyebrows drawn together. He took a drink of champagne before answering. “I think,” he said tentatively, “I think it’s contentment. Where you have everything you ever wanted, all together in one place. It’s quieter than excitement, but,” he swallowed, “maybe it’s better.”

“Contentment,” I said, trying the word out on my tongue.

“I haven’t had a lot of it in my life,” he said. “It’s new to me, too.”

“When was the last time you felt this content?”

His face darkened and he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. My past isn’t me.” His tone sounded strangely resolute. “All that matters is who I am now. Who I am when I’m with you.”

I stood up and walked over to him, not hesitating before I leaned over and swooped in to kiss him. I could feel his surprise, but he quickly opened his soft lips to mine, his hands gently cupping my face.

I dropped into his lap, feeling pleasure bloom inside me. He slid his hands down my jaw and pulled me tighter. Something inside me began to soar, and my power buzzed to life. Instead of releasing it uncontrollably, it hummed inside my chest, sparking down my spine like electricity. Every inch of me felt alive and wild.

Reluctantly, I released his lips, and looked around. Even though we were alone, anyone could walk in. I pulled his hand to stand up and follow me. “Come on,” I whispered.

Since we were already in the training room, we didn’t have far to go to the equipment closet. We didn’t touch as we walked across the room, but I felt the anticipation building. I pushed the button to open the door and tugged him over to the corner, grabbing a training mat from a shelf as I went. I tossed the mat on the ground in the corner. As soon as the door closed behind us, I pulled my top off over my head, then turned to him.

I didn’t say anything more, just grabbed the bottom edge of his shirt, lingering for a moment to touch the skin at his waist. Then I stood up on my tiptoes to pull it over his head.

Adrien stared at me, his warm blue-green eyes full of heat, though the corner of his lips turned down with a touch of uncertainty.

“Zoe, wait—” he started saying, but I shook my head. He lifted his arms up to help me take his shirt off in spite of his protests. I paused, breathless and excited. His chest was lean and tanned, and taut with tension. He looked wiry but strong. I traced my finger down along his collar bone, down the small dipping line in the middle of his chest, then down his stomach to his navel. A shudder rippled though his body at my touch.

He wrapped one arm around my waist, burying his other hand in my hair. He cupped the back of my head and looked in my eyes. “You drive me crazy. All I want to do is make everything around us stop so I can just be with you. But I don’t know if it’s right…”

I knew the look on his face. It was one I’d seen more and more lately. It was like he was fighting something deep inside himself. I held my breath, hoping that just this once he could forget about destiny and the future and everything else. His eyes were so bright. He closed them briefly, and then he grabbed the waistband of my skirt and pulled me close, crushing me to him, his mouth hot and passionate.

The sudden release was overwhelming. It lit me up and I opened my mouth to his searching tongue. He was gentle one moment, then rough and needy, then pulling away so that his lips barely nipped mine in a way that made me crazy. I’d chase his lips back with mine, and suddenly he’d stop and kiss me so deeply again it seemed to sear straight down to my stomach.

I gasped at the intensity of it. We’d kissed before, but it had been nothing like this.

He pushed me up against the wall, his hand sliding down my hip. A soft moan escaped my lips.

“Shh, we have to be quiet,” he laughed into my ear, before kissing down my neck. He slid one bra strap to the side and kept kissing down my shoulder. I trembled.

Slowly, he led me to the mat on the ground, pulling me down beside him. I was all heat and sensation, deepened by the hum of my power tingling just beneath my skin. He nudged me over as one knee swung over mine, and then he hovered above me, before dipping down and sucking on my neck until I felt like I was going to erupt and light us both on fire.

He paused for a moment, and even though the alcove was shadowed, I could still see the glint of his eyes reflecting some bits of light from the main room.

I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled him nearer, so eager to close the final space between us. “I love you, Adrien. Adrien, Adrien.” I said it languorously, delighted by the feeling that stirred within me at just the sound of his name.

He stiffened in my arms. I smiled and tried to pull him closer, but he didn’t budge.

“Adrien?” My voice was small in the dark room. I couldn’t see his face to tell whether he’d seen another vision, or if the weight of the world had suddenly secured itself back on his shoulders.

He swore under his breath, jumping back to his feet. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

I sat up, all the wonderful feelings dissipating as if cold water had been thrown on me. I covered up my chest awkwardly. “But what—”

“I’m sorry,” he said, still not looking at me. “I’ve gotta go.”

“Wait!” I scrambled up.

But he’d already left. Just like that. The door slid shut behind him and I sat, pained and bewildered, clutching my top to my chest.