Private Lives

Chapter 18

Abi doesn’t answer her door immediately. The intercom for the flat is old and there’s no video so she doesn’t know who is ringing. Best-case scenario: it’s Diego, apron still on, and he has run straight over from the restaurant after reading the desperate text she sent him just a few minutes ago. Worst-case scenario: it’s Lotte, Anna and a band of furious women who have figured out it must be Abi. Lotte will fire her on the spot and Anna will tell her that Lily and Margot are being told their mum has lied to them all their lives, that their mum was a whore.

She’s been through worse, Abi tells herself fiercely, remembering the man who put his hairy hand around her neck, his weight pinning her, his red face above, spittle flying. That had been bad, but at least her home wasn’t under siege, at least her kids were well away.

Whoever it is outside, they’re not going away.

Her phone lights up with a message:

It’s Rosie, Abi.

They haven’t spoken since Rosie kicked Abi out of her car.

Please, I just want to talk to you.

She could hide, of course, pretend she’s not home, but hiding has never in her experience made anything better. She walks slowly down the stairs and opens the front door. It’s stopped raining but the air is rich with the smell of wet, slowly decaying leaves.

Rosie’s standing on her doorstep, looking nervous. ‘Can I come in?’

Abi opens the door a little wider. Rosie has to bend low to clear the fake cobwebs the girls have laced across the door and Abi gestures. ‘The kitchen’s straight ahead.’

They turn to face each other in the tiny kitchen. Something has shifted in Rosie because she’s not looking at Abi with revulsion or pity. She’s not looking at her like Abi’s mum did, when she found out. Rosie’s eyes are gentle, softer than Abi’s seen them before.

‘You heard the radio show?’ Rosie asks, her voice steady.

Abi nods, looks to the ceiling briefly. ‘Thank God for Lucy, hey?’

Rosie nods, breathes out. ‘I’m sorry, Abi.’

Abi’s first thought is that this is a sick joke, that Anna and the red-faced pitchfork crew are about to burst through the door, but Rosie is looking at her so steadily, her voice calm. ‘I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry you haven’t got the change you wanted for your family, the chance you deserved. I’m sorry I didn’t try and understand, and I’m sorry people like Anna … well, I’m sorry about Anna.’

Abi holds on to the side of the kitchen countertop, presses her fingernails into the cheap surface, but it doesn’t stop her eyes filling with tears. She clears her throat to try to keep the aching in her heart out of her voice as she says, ‘They’ll be trying to figure out who it is Anna was talking about and I don’t think it’ll take someone like Vita long before my name is mentioned …’

Rosie reaches forward, like she wants to touch Abi, but decides not to. Clasping her hand around her own upper arm, she hugs herself instead. She doesn’t say anything, just nods.

‘I’m going to tell Lily the truth.’ She says the words quickly, so she can’t change her mind. Rosie opens her mouth to say something but, whatever it is, Abi doesn’t want to hear. She holds her hand up to stop Rosie because there’s no other choice. The only thing worse than the prospect of telling her daughter is the thought of Lily finding out some other way.

‘I told Mrs Greene that Lily’s got a last-minute appointment this afternoon and with everything happening at the school today I don’t think anyone will mind if she comes home early. She’ll be back soon.’

‘How are you going—’

Abi cuts her off. ‘I have absolutely no idea.’

Abi’s not lying – she has no idea how she’s going to tell her daughter that she’s accepted money from hundreds of men in exchange for sex – but she doesn’t tell Rosie that she’s thought about it every day since Lily was a baby. That she’s started thousands of conversations in her head, conversations that were hard enough to start but almost impossible to end.

Rosie’s watching her; she looks sad, but she could just be relieved that at least her situation isn’t as bad as Abi’s, that she doesn’t have to confess a lifetime of lying to her child.

‘When we met last time, in my car. There was something you were going to say, something about not being a threat to our marriage. I wasn’t ready to hear it then, but I am now. Will you tell me?’

Abi looks away. God, she’s so tired of being everyone’s plaything. But Rosie didn’t ask for any of this, any more than Abi. ‘I was going to tell you that I think Seb came to see me because he wants to stay married. He needed some affection, and I think he chose to get it in what he thought would be the least messy way possible. It doesn’t, of course, make him Husband of the Year, but at least you know I don’t have any feelings for him, and I never will. Just like he doesn’t have any feelings for me and never will. We never flirted or thought about running away together. It was an exchange. It was that simple.’

Opposite her, Rosie swallows and nods.

They’re quiet again for a moment before Rosie says, ‘I think Lily will, in time, come to understand all this. I think she’ll understand you have nothing to be ashamed of.’

Which makes Abi laugh even as her tears keep rolling because what the fuck does Rosie think she can teach Abi about shame? But Rosie is shaking her head and saying, ‘No, I mean it. I’ve seen you with your girls, seen the way you listen to each other, the connection you have with them. You’re an incredible parent. Honestly, when my kids are teenagers, I’d love to have the kind of relationship that you have with Lily.’

While talking, Rosie’s moved closer to Abi, and this time Abi hasn’t pulled herself away because she wants Rosie to keep talking. She needs to hear this, desperately needs to hear these words no one ever says to her, these rare words: that she’s a good parent.

‘What if she …’ Abi’s crying properly now, overwhelmed as she’s about to say out loud the words that have haunted her for so many years: ‘What if she hates me because of it?’

Rosie nods, accepting Abi’s fear. Braver now, she reaches forward again and this time Abi lets her gently hold her bicep.

‘Yeah, I get it. She may get upset, but don’t forget she’s been raised by a strong, capable, free-thinking woman. I think she’s more like you than you know. Don’t underestimate her.’

‘But the lying, Rosie, the lying is just so shit.’Abi swipes at a couple more tears as Rosie briefly closes her eyes. Yes, Rosie knows about lying.

‘Yes, it is. It’s shit. You had good reason to lie, Abi. You were protecting yourself and your daughters from people.’ Rosie pauses before she decides to add what it is she’s really thinking. ‘People who don’t know you and believe too strongly in their own prejudices. People like Anna and a lot of other people in this town. People like me.’

‘Like you?’

Abi senses the threat of a trap again.

‘Well, maybe I’m finally waking up. I’m trying to unlearn a lot of stuff.’

Abi nods, looks away. She can’t figure out whether she should tell Rosie, whether it would sound trite. It doesn’t feel like the moment to hold anything back. Fuck it.

‘Look, I don’t know if this will help but, well, he talked about you, you know. Seb. When we met. He asked me what he could do to make things better.’

Rosie covers her face with her hand briefly before looking at Abi. ‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘Why?’

It should be obvious, of course, but Rosie needs to hear it, just like Abi needed to hear that she’s a good parent.

‘Because he loves you, Rosie. Because he only wants to be with you. I think he came to see me to find out if someone else could cure this thing between you, but it didn’t work. He needs you.’

‘But how do I …?’

Ha! The irony that now Rosie is asking her, the whore, how to fix their marital issues.

‘Find a way to forgive him …’ Abi replies, aware how stupidly easy it is to say those words, how they belie the enormity of the task. Aware too, painfully, how this is exactly what she’s going to be asking of her own daughter. For Lily to find a way to forgive her.

She glances at the clock. That’s it, that’s all Abi can offer. ‘Lily is going to be home in a few minutes …’

‘I’ll get going,’ Rosie says, rubbing her face again and starting to make her way to the door before pausing and turning back to Abi. ‘Thank you for listening to me, Abi. I appreciate it.’

It feels awkward suddenly, like the honesty that just passed between them must be zipped, packed away before they can continue blundering through the dishonest world. Abi says, ‘Yeah, that’s fine.’ Before adding, ‘Thank you for coming over. Can’t have been easy.’

They walk the few paces to the front door in silence, where Rosie turns back to Abi and, looking her in the eyes, says, ‘Good luck,’ before closing the door behind her.

Less than a minute after Rosie has gone, Abi is listening to her daughter trying to open the sticky lock on their front door. She must have decided not to have lunch at school. Abi thought she’d have another half an hour to prepare herself, but suddenly the door opens and Lily, school skirt swinging against her thighs, is now pulling hard at her key which is stuck in the lock. Automatically, Abi wants to move forward to help her, but she stops herself. Rosie was right: her daughter is more than capable.

When at last Lily has got it free, she startles when she sees Abi. ‘Mum, why are you just staring at me?’ But she doesn’t wait for a response; instead she moves towards Abi, her eyes shining, popping with excitement as she kisses Abi on the cheek before moving past her into the kitchen, all the while chattering away.

‘This is the wildest day ever, isn’t it? First there was the assembly, and then have you heard about the radio show? I haven’t listened to it yet, but everyone at school is buzzing about it. Can you believe Mr Kent? It’s, like, so wild and so gross. Blake is mad – so, so mad – at his mum. He was saying he’s going to go home early to have it out with her. He thinks she had no right to do that to Mr Kent or this woman – the prostitute, I mean …’

Abi turns away from Lily, anguish overwhelming her briefly, before smoothing her features and sitting down at the Formica kitchen table.

‘You OK, Mum?’

‘Yeah, I’m just trying to take it all in, that’s all.’

Lily bends to open the tiny under-the-counter fridge, but she’s too excited to eat so it sighs shut. She stands back up and, turning to look at Abi again, says, ‘Mum, you know Blake?’

Abi feels the skin around her mouth crack into what she hopes is a smile and Lily beams back, her voice full of wonder, as she says, ‘Well, I think he likes me! He asked me out and we’re kind of getting quite close. But poor him – I mean, his mum has gone properly mental.’ She hardly pauses for breath before she adds, ‘Oh my God, and you’ll never guess who I just saw – Rosie! She was walking like she’s some kind of celeb who doesn’t want to get caught. Poor woman. I didn’t say hello, I know she saw me, but she looked totally broken. Do you think it’s OK that I didn’t say hello? I don’t want her to think I’m being cold, but Blake’s right, I reckon, it was no one else’s business, not really.’

Abi feels her heart beating too hard, like it’s trying to escape.

‘What’s this appointment I’m back for, anyway? Mrs Greene said something about the optician?’

Abi can’t answer.

Lily’s forehead pleats and she steps closer to Abi. ‘Mum, why are your eyes all red?’

Abi touches her face; it’s wet.

‘God, Mum, are you crying?’ Lily is nervous suddenly; Abi can’t remember a time when she would have seen her cry. Lily takes her hand and pulls her up into her arms so she can hug her. Her daughter is so strong. ‘Mum, Mum, what is it? Is it something about all the stuff going on today? I saw you in assembly, I …’

Then she stops again, finally tuning into Abi, into the atmosphere swelling thickly in the tiny kitchen. Abi wants nothing more than to let herself go at last, she wants to sob in the arms of her daughter and beg, beg her forgiveness. But that is what Abi wants, that is not what Lily needs, so she stops herself. Abi turns away from her briefly to breathe and Lily moves closer to her, touches her arm.

‘Are you sick, Mum? Is that it?’ Lily asks, panic lacing her voice.

Abi takes one last big breath, the breath that could ruin them forever and, turning around to face her daughter, she looks her in the eye as she says, ‘It’s me, Lil.’

Lily stares at her, frowning.

‘It’s me they were talking about on the radio. I’m the woman. The woman Mr Kent paid for sex.’

Lily’s shaking her head, like she’s trying to shake the words away. ‘Mum, what are you talking about? You were a therapist, Mum, a therapist …’

‘Lily, please sit down …’

Lily is still shaking her head and starts backing away from Abi. ‘Is this some kind of sick Halloween prank?’

Abi doesn’t say anything and Lily’s freckled face fills as she thinks all the worst things Abi has ever thought about herself. ‘No, Mum. No …’

‘Lily, please, let’s sit down. I want to explain, I want to explain everything to you …’ But Lily won’t sit, instead she’s shaking her head, and when Abi reaches out to touch her she shrieks, ‘Don’t! Don’t touch me!’

Abi can’t stop crying but she forces herself to calm down enough that she can say, ‘I’m sorry, Lily, I’m so sorry for lying to you.’

Lily starts backing away again; she’s still shaking her head, and she points at Abi, her mouth twisting, as she says, ‘You’re disgusting,’ before she turns and runs out of the flat.

For the first hour, Abi waits for Lily at home. Lily, she knows, needs space. Abi thrums, numb, around the flat. She messages Lily that she loves her, that she’s sorry. She deletes the message because, again, she’s writing it for herself, not for Lily. She tries to cook but her hand is shaking too much to chop. She messages Lily that she’ll answer all her questions, just to please come home. She deletes that one, too. She slumps on the kitchen table, which is where she’s still lying when her phone starts ringing. She grabs for it – Lily, please, please let it be Lily. She almost throws her phone across the room when she reads her friend’s name instead.

‘Abi,’ Diego says, his voice tense. ‘Tell me you’re on your way?’

Oh. The restaurant, her shift tonight.

‘D … I …’

‘What, what is it?’ He’s angry, his tone like a rough shake.

‘D, I can’t come in now.’

‘What the fuc—?’

‘I told Lily, D, I told her what I used to do, that I lied to her.’

‘Jesus,’ Diego says in English before continuing in rapid-fire Spanish. ‘Is she OK?’

‘I don’t know,’ Abi says before adding, ‘Well, no. She’s not OK, but I don’t know where she is; she ran away somewhere, she’s not answering her phone. I’m going to have to go and get Margot soon; she’s gone trick-or-treating. I’m sorry, D, but I can’t come in to work until I know they’re both OK …’

‘Fuck!’ Diego shouts. ‘This is our first week, Abi, almost our second weekend open, and you’re not fucking here!’

‘Look, I might be able to come in later, but I need to make sure the girls are …’

‘Yeah, yeah, I know, I know you do. Look, sorry. We’ve got a full house tonight and the staff here are just … well, let’s just say they’re not London-trained, so please, for the sake of our careers, come in as soon as you can, OK?’ He sounds like he wants to hang up straight away but mutters a quick, ‘I love you all.’

She doesn’t know how much time passes before she hears Lily’s key in the lock for the second time. She pulls herself off the table. She’s never been so nervous, more afraid in this moment of her own daughter than she ever was of any strange man.

Lily pulls her key away from the lock slowly. She’s aged a decade since Abi last saw her. Her pale skin is puffy, her blue eyes bloodshot. Abi longs to hold her but there’s a new force field around Lily and she senses that she doesn’t want her too close, so she holds on to her own arms instead and says, her voice quiet, her words simple, ‘I’m glad you’re home, Lil.’

Lily looks at her, nods slowly. Her eyes are set and unblinking, her new world still blurry and out of focus.

‘I promised I’d get Margot,’ Lily says plainly. ‘I thought we should talk a bit before.’

She walks into the kitchen, not looking at Abi, and sits down at the table. Abi feels a tug of temptation to fall into logistics, to tell Lily that of course she doesn’t need to collect Margot, not today, Abi will collect her from outside the school as arranged by the parents taking the class trick-or-treating, but they both know that collecting Margot isn’t the real reason Lily is back. Abi sits quietly opposite her daughter and waits. When she starts talking, the words come slowly at first before flowing into a great flood.

‘You know, pretty much every one of my friends in London and here moans about their parents. They say their mums either embarrass them, want to be their best friend or boss them around, never trust them.’ Lily shrugs, runs her thumb along a scratch on the table Margot made with some scissors, and keeps talking. ‘But I never join in. I thought you, our relationship, was like my superpower. Our incredible secret. I might not have a dad, not really, but you know what? I never really cared because I had you. I have always known that I was loved, respected, important …’

She looks up; there’s more she wants to say, of course, and Abi nods, gently, steadily showing Lily she can say it. Lily’s strong enough to say it.

‘I’ve always known that I was loved, respected, important. Until now.’

It hurts like hell, the heavy truth.

Abi nods again, puts her hands together on the table in front of her. Lily keeps running her thumb along the scratch as she says simply, ‘You’ve been lying to me my whole life.’

Lily has the courage to say the truth, so Abi has to find the courage not to deny it.

‘I have.’

Lily looks up from the scratch to meet Abi’s eyes as she says, ‘You were a prostitute.’

Abi nods.

‘Why?’

Abi isn’t ready; she’s liquid and unprepared. These words feel too huge, too big for her body, but she forces them out. ‘I wanted you and your sister to have better choices.’

‘Why did you lie?’

‘I wanted you and Margot to grow up free from the stigma of my choices. Free of my mistakes.’

‘Do you regret it?’

‘I regret that I had to lie but, no, I don’t regret what I used to do for work.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, because I made a better life for you and for me and your sister. I created my own work, so I was always there when you woke up and was always the one to put you to bed at night. I had other options, other things I could have done – of course I did – but there was no way I could have done those things and been the kind of parent I have been. And the reasons for me to lie to you – well, they’re more complicated.’

Lily nods for Abi to keep talking.

‘There were … whispers, gossip about me on the estate. I mean, there was about most people. I didn’t let it get to me until … well, it was true. The gossip. My mum heard stuff about me, asked if I was a sex worker, and when I told her I was she got really upset and kicked me out.’

What Abi doesn’t say is that her mum hadn’t called Abi a ‘sex worker’, she’d called her ‘a fucking whore’, and that it hadn’t been just Abi she’d kicked out and said she never wanted to see again, but also Lily who was asleep in her pram.

‘That’s why we never see her,’ Lily says quietly.

Abi nods, adding, ‘I’m sorry.’ Because she knows Lily would have liked having a granny. ‘But honestly, I don’t regret it because here you are, sitting in front of me, the most honest and brave person I have ever known. Having one of the hardest conversations we’ll ever have. You are entirely yourself and I couldn’t be prouder of you. It’s all been worth it.’

They stare steadily at each other for a while before Abi says, ‘You can ask me anything about it. I promise I’ll tell you the truth.’

Lily nods – she believes her – but she looks away, her hands fluttering in her lap. ‘Yeah, maybe. Not now I—’

A buzzer goes on Lily’s phone, the reminder she sets whenever she’s picking Margot up. Lily silences it and Abi says, ‘I’ll go,’ not feeling ready to leave Lily, never feeling ready. ‘You feel like painting or maybe having a bath …?’

Lily scrunches up her face before she says, ‘Nah. Margot’s expecting me. I’ll come with you, if that’s all right.’

‘Of course, Lil. I’d like that.’

They both stand, the shock of the truth still pulsing through Abi. She’s not sure exactly how to be now that Lily knows the truth, but there’s no stiffness in Lily. She moves normally to her room to get a jumper for the walk to school.

Lily’s back a moment later, her phone in her hand. ‘I’ve just got a message from Blake,’ she says. ‘He’s kind of upset about everything his mum said on the radio and he’s asking if we can meet up in the park in a bit. Is that OK?’

Abi’s never been so glad to be asked such a normal child-to-parent question. It’s not full acceptance but at least it shows, Abi thinks, that Lily wants to try.

‘Of course it is, sweetheart. Say “hi” from me, won’t you?’

Her hand feels cold as she takes Lily’s warmer one and squeezes it, gently, before Lily moves towards her, and they’re the same height now so when they wrap their arms around each other, tightly, there’s no imbalance, they hold each other.

It was all worth it.