Private Lives

Chapter 20

‘What are you doing here?’ Blake asks as he walks off the floodlit AstroTurf towards his dad.

Eddy shrugs. ‘Thought we could walk home together. It’s been a weird day. Thought it’d be nice.’

Blake narrows his eyes. ‘Is this about those condoms I took from your drawer?’

‘What?’

‘Doesn’t matter. Come on, then.’ Blake takes long strides along the pavement, forcing Eddy to speed up. A power play Eddy recognizes, making him jog every few paces to keep up.

‘How was football?’ Eddy asks, thinking he’ll go in gently before mentioning the events of the day.

‘Fine.’ Blake keeps his eyes fixed on the pavement in front of him. Eddy’s already run out of questions.

‘I noticed you were standing next to Lily in the assembly. Lovely red hair – pretty, isn’t she?’

Blake’s far ahead, but Eddy’s sure his son rolls his eyes.

‘She’s smart, too,’ Blake says, pausing so Eddy can catch up with him. ‘Look, Dad, I’m up for talking to you but I’m not up for pretending that everything is normal, OK? I’ll tell you what’s …’

They’re interrupted because across the road, waiting to cross, is Patrick, waving and shouting, ‘Eddy! Eddy!’

He’s in Lycra jogging bottoms, a water bottle sloshing about in his hand, earbuds curled like mollusc shells around his ears.

‘Hey, Eddy, wait up!’ he shouts.

Eddy reluctantly stops, pointing towards Blake’s retreating back and calling, ‘I can’t, Patrick, I’ll speak to you later, yeah?’

But Patrick is already dashing across the road.

‘Look, mate, I’m actually with Blake now, so …’

‘Oh?’ Patrick looks down the road, but there’s no sign of Blake. He’s turned into one of the residential streets that lead to the park, prepared to take a longer way home to avoid talking to Eddy.

‘Come on, mate, I’ve been trying to get hold of you!’ Patrick puts his palm on Eddy’s back, gently steering him in the direction he wants him to go.

They start walking and Eddy says, ‘I know. Sorry, Patrick, I’ve been kind of preoccupied …’

Patrick nods. ‘Haven’t we all, mate, haven’t we all. Vita said Anna’s been amazing, really clear-sighted throughout the whole thing …’

Next to him, Patrick must feel Eddy flinch because he adds, ‘I mean, live radio probably wasn’t the best plan in retrospect, but that interviewer really pushed poor Anna into a corner, didn’t she? And it’s like Vita’s been saying, our focus shouldn’t be on Anna, really, it should be on the prostitute.’

Eddy turns to look at Patrick. He thinks of Blake, of Lily, and doesn’t like where this is leading, but Patrick smiles a knowing smile and keeps talking. ‘I know, I was confused too at first, but then Vita explained her thinking. She said it’s been awful at the school gates; all the women have become suspicious of each other. The theory is that either the prostitute has come here to blackmail Seb or she’s in some kind of trouble and needs Seb’s help …’

‘Or she – like you and Vita – decided Waverly was a good place to raise her kids …’

But Patrick’s already shaking his head at Eddy. ‘Unlikely, mate. Too much of a coincidence.’

‘Really?’ Eddy says, stopping to look at Patrick. ‘Or is it that Vita and her crew are just loving the scandal so much they don’t want it to end?’

Patrick stops walking, too, and keeps his eyes on Eddy; he can’t believe what he’s hearing. ‘Her crew? You do realize you’re talking about your wife, the woman who started this whole thing …’

Eddy feels his whole body deflate like a balloon because in that moment he realizes that Patrick is right. Anna has put him in this impossible position. She is essentially forcing Eddy to choose between his best friend and her, his wife. Eddy feels himself start to spiral within and, as he falls, he gasps for air and has to put his hands on his knees.

‘Take it easy, Ed, blimey.’

Patrick passes Eddy his water bottle, but Eddy shakes his head.

‘Just getting over something. I’m fine. I’m fine.’ And as he lifts himself back up to stand, Patrick’s watch beeps.

‘Uh-oh, I’ve got to keep moving. Heart rate.’ He waves his wrist in the air and adds, ‘Martin, Rich and I are going for a pint tonight if you fancy talking about all this a bit more.’

Eddy’s about to reply that he’d rather eat glass but Patrick’s already jogging away.

Eddy thinks about walking a bit more on his own to gather himself before going home, but he doesn’t want to risk bumping into anyone else so he feels in his pocket for his keys and looks up at his house, their house. It’s the first year he can remember that Anna hasn’t decorated it like all the other houses. He thinks about walking through the door, imagines Anna inside, curled on the sofa, tapping away at her phone, and he decides that he does need a moment before going in to her. He props himself against the wall, staring at the blank face of his home. He thinks about Anna, and where there used to be a kind of spreading warmth in his chest when he thought about her, there’s just a kind of internal itch, unsettled, unpleasant. His mind fills with Seb and now there’s a new sensation pouring deep in his belly, a dull ache, a kind of umbilical tug towards the friend Eddy’s always loved most.

This afternoon, Eddy had given into temptation and looked at some of the Waverly forums. People had been uploading photos of Seb like spying on him was a new hobby for the whole town. Seb walking, head bowed, down the pavement; Seb pushing his key into his mum’s front door, his face turned towards the camera, eyes bright with shock. Eddy stared close at Seb’s pixilated face and tried to stir up some outrage within himself, to feel whether he could align the comments ‘PERVERT!’ and ‘Abuser!’ and ‘disgusting man’ with the ashen, hollow face of his oldest friend. But he couldn’t. He just saw his friend scared and alone and wished he could climb into those pictures and put his arms around him.

As soon as Eddy opens the door, he hears voices in the kitchen, too many and too female to be his family, and he knows that even here, in their own home, they are not alone.

Lotte and Vita are sitting at the kitchen table. Lotte in a long white dress, with gappy sleeves, a thread of fake blood running from her bottom lip to her chin, and Vita a ragged kind of Wolverine, as far as Eddy can tell. There are three wine glasses and a half-empty bottle of red between them and it’s a while before the women notice Eddy. ‘Eddy, hi!’

‘Where’s Anna?’ Eddy doesn’t care if he sounds rude.

‘Well, hello to you too!’ Lotte scolds, playful.

‘She’s upstairs, checking on Albie,’ Vita replies.

Last year Albie got so freaked out by a plastic severed hand on Martin’s front lawn he had nightmares for weeks and swore he’d never go trick-or-treating again.

Eddy nods and takes a fourth wine glass out of the cupboard before he reaches over to rip his stupid, grinning face off the fridge. His carefree past mocking him.

Where is Seb right now? Could Eddy go to him?

‘You all right?’ Vita asks, one side of her mouth lifting. ‘Pat messaged, said he’d just run into you and that you seemed … unwell.’

Eddy shakes his head, wonders what kind of language Patrick used – ‘off’ perhaps, ‘mental’ maybe. Eddy keeps his eyes on his wine glass as he says, ‘I’m fine.’

Lotte slinks up to him with a flirty look as she sloshes wine into his glass. She takes his arm and pulls him gently back towards the table with her. ‘We just popped over to show Anna our little list of suspects …’

She slurs the ‘s’ and Eddy realizes she’s a bit pissed.

‘Suspects?’ Eddy winces as he looks down. On a pad on the table is a handwritten list of five women’s names. The final one, in different writing to the others, is ‘Abi Matthews’.

‘She’s on there, isn’t she?’ Vita asks, keeping her eyes fixed on Eddy.

‘Who is?’

Vita rolls her eyes, exasperated. Eddy exasperates everyone. ‘Seb’s prostitute.’

Lotte’s hand is back on Eddy’s forearm, her acrylic fingernails drumming slightly against his skin. ‘You must have heard that poor woman on I Heart Sussex today?’

Eddy looks at her blankly. Lotte shakes her head at him and says, ‘I’ll send you a link. She came on as a kind of response to that happy hooker type who called in during Anna’s show. Lucy? Anyway, this woman today made me cry, Eddy. Actual tears, because this poor woman was tricked into prostitution by her supposed boyfriend. Said she coped by teaching herself not to feel anything, to totally disconnect from what was happening to her. She’s got severe PTSD now, as you can imagine, can barely leave the house. Listen, we’re not doing this for our own benefit. We want to stop these awful abuses, prevent things like that happening here.’

He agrees but says, ‘Don’t you think things like that are a matter for the police?’

Lotte nods and rolls her eyes, like she knew he was going to say that. ‘They should be, of course, but who is a young, vulnerable woman more likely to trust? Her boyfriend or the police?’

‘But if she wanted help, this woman, surely she’d come forward?’

Lotte shrugs and shakes her head at the great, sad mystery of the world and the people in it. Vita is keen to get the conversation back to the matter at hand. The list.

‘You know Zoey Richards?’

‘Who?’

Lotte rolls her eyes again, talks a little slower so Eddy can keep up. ‘The woman who moved here, like, a year or two ago – you know, the one who always dresses a bit …’ Lotte twists her face to Vita, looking for help in finding the right word, as Vita says, ‘Slutty.’

Eddy has no idea who or what they’re talking about.

‘Then there’s Jenni who, you know, is totally mute, never gets involved in anything, just hovers in the background like a ghoul.’ Lotte shudders before adding, ‘Then, of course, there’s Abi.’

‘Hang on, don’t you employ Abi, Lotte? How can she be …’

‘We don’t know her. Not really, and besides, she’s a bit …’ Lotte scrunches up her nose. ‘A bit out there.’ Her eyes flicker to Vita, excited, before she turns back to Eddy and says, ‘You know, she claimed Margot, her second daughter, is a sperm donor baby? I mean, imagine? She was already a single parent, had Lily when she was a teenager, and then she decides to have another? I mean, I don’t like to judge but that’s pretty extreme – if it’s even true. Makes you think what else she’s capable of …’

‘Lotte, surely the fact this poor woman hasn’t come forward should indicate that she wants privacy and not this … this crazy …’

‘Come on, Ed, don’t give us that,’ Vita says. ‘This is about protecting our community as well as protecting the woman. Anna’s told me what happened in her own childhood, that there was literally a brothel next door to their house, that she had to step over used condoms on the way to school, that no one saw it coming in Ruston either …’

‘But it’s got nothing to do with you!’

‘And that’s precisely why places like Ruston go to shit! Because no one is prepared to protect …’ She stops and they all turn as Anna comes back into the kitchen, a little guilty, like it was wrong of them to talk about Ruston without her approval and participation.

‘Oh hi, Ed, you’re home,’ Anna says, looking tired but reaching for her wine glass.

‘What is this, Anna?’

‘Like Lotte said,’ Vita answers for Anna, reaching back to the table for her list, ‘we’re here because we have a right to know who she is. It’s wrong to keep it from us. As mothers we need to protect our kids …’ Eddy must have heard these words a hundred times in the last week but as Vita talks something crystallizes in him. Yes, their kids need protecting, but not from Seb or even Abi. He looks towards the back door for Blake’s trainers, his football kit, signs that he’s home, but there’s nothing. He could have stopped at one of his mates’ houses or perhaps gone to the park for a bit to clear his head. His boy needs him to do the right thing.

He looks at Lotte and Vita as he says as calmly and politely as possible, ‘I think you should go now.’

‘Eddy!’ Anna scolds, because even now being a great hostess is the most important thing. ‘Sorry, guys, I don’t know …’

‘No, I mean it. Please leave.’ Eddy walks towards the front door and holds out his arms, showing them the way, standing firm as they splutter, mouths downturned, shaking their heads but still moving in the right direction, squeezing past him in the hall. Anna doesn’t protest, just keeps apologizing, promising to message them later, even as she waves them goodbye and out into the dusky night.

‘Well, that was rude,’ Anna says as he follows her back into the kitchen. Eddy notices how dull her eyes are, how she holds on to the table, how weary she is, how scared.

‘Anna, what are you doing?’

Anna shakes her head, rejecting any blame. ‘I didn’t tell them anything, Ed!’

‘They’re not going to stop – you know that, don’t you? If you give them Abi’s name, you’ll be destroying her life here, but you’ll be destroying ours too.’

Anna splutters, shakes her head, but she doesn’t say anything, so Eddy does. ‘It’s ironic, isn’t it? Our home, our private space being invaded like this.’

Anna shrugs and mumbles something indecipherable as Eddy sits down heavily at the table and rubs his hands over his face, tugs again at his beard.

He feels his heart suddenly expand, like an airbag filling his chest, as his body again makes contact with the truth he’s been trying so hard for so long to ignore.

‘I can’t do this any more.’ He says it quietly but clearly.

‘What?’ Anna snaps.

‘This whole thing, this mess we’re in – you’re not doing this to protect the kids or Rosie, and it’s not even about what happened between Seb and Abi, is it?’

He looks up at Anna, takes her hand in his own, feels an overwhelming tenderness towards her as he whispers, ‘It’s about us.’

She frowns, but too late; he saw the break, the crack in her eyes. ‘No, it’s not.’ She pulls her hand away.

‘You haven’t forgiven me for Singapore – that’s what this is really about.’

‘Oh God, Ed!’ she shouts now, slaps her palm down hard on the table. ‘You always have to make everything about you, don’t you?’

She’s angry and that’s fine. Eddy just feels tired and sad. His swollen heart stunned that he is at last listening to its frantic beats.

‘I can’t go on like this.’

‘You mean, you’re tired of being wrong the whole time.’ Anna tries to scoff, sound dismissive, but it’s unconvincing.

‘Yes, I think you’re right,’ he agrees. ‘I am tired of feeling wrong the whole time.’

‘It’s hardly my fault we haven’t moved on!’

‘No, you’re right. It’s not your fault and I really, wholeheartedly believe that. But I don’t want either of us to wake up one day, eighty years old and still angry, still full of bitterness.’

‘What are you saying?’

Eddy feels like he’s pushing a pin into the airbag of his heart as he says, ‘I want to move out.’

Anna looks horrified. ‘That’s not fucking funny, Ed,’ she growls and Eddy, his cheeks suddenly wet, shakes his head and says, ‘Anna, darling, I’m really not joking.’

She lifts her hand and for a moment he thinks she might slap him – she has before – but instead she says, ‘You’re crying. Why are you crying? You never cry.’

She takes a step away from him, like she’s frightened of his tears, and he shakes his head because he really can’t believe it either.

‘Blakey!’ Anna says, too loudly, moving swiftly towards her son, play-acting normality, as Blake walks in his slow, languid way through the back door. Blake puts his hand out to stop her getting any closer; she freezes, surprised. ‘Have you been out trick-or-treating?’

He doesn’t move and ignores her question. ‘I just met up with Lily, Mum.’

Her arms droop slightly.

‘Who, Lily Matthews?’ She’s pretending she doesn’t know about the two of them, trying so hard to act normal.

Blake nods.

‘Why on earth did you go to see her?’

‘Because I like her, Mum, because I really like her, and I wanted her to be my girlfriend but you’ve fucked it up. Totally fucked it.’

Anna looks briefly to Eddy, perhaps wanting him to say something about Blake’s swearing, but he won’t. Anna shakes her head and says, ‘No, Blake, you don’t understand.’

Blake’s fingers become claws by his side. ‘She told me just now, Mum! She doesn’t want to go out with me any more and I know it’s because of the bullshit you said on the radio. She’s acting calm but I can tell she’s really upset. She doesn’t want to get mixed up with the whole thing.’

Anna looks again towards Eddy who’s standing now, next to the table. She’s frantic for support but he shakes his head. He won’t do it. He can’t defend her in this.

‘I didn’t know you liked her …’ she lies weakly.

‘No? That’s because you were too busy trying to ruin everyone else’s lives instead of listening and looking after us.’

‘That’s enough!’ Anna is shouting now. ‘You don’t get to talk to me like that, Blake! I’m doing all this – ending friendships, putting myself on the line – why? To keep you and your brother and every other kid in this town safe.’

Blake is shaking his head; he’s got fire in his eyes. ‘Mum, Uncle Seb messed up! He admitted it! Have you never asked to be forgiven for a mistake? Is your life so pathetic that you can’t move on?’

‘He used school property, Blake, he …’

‘You buy all kinds of crap on your work laptop! You’re such a fucking hypocrite!’ He shoves past Anna, ignoring her ranting behind him, and is heading towards the stairs when he glances at Eddy, and Eddy catches the moment his boy sees the tears that are still streaming down his face, settling and glistening like dew in his beard.

‘What’s going on?’ he asks Eddy, suspicious suddenly. ‘Why are you crying, Dad?’

Eddy tries to smother the tears with his hand but it’s too late.

‘You guys have been arguing, haven’t you?’

‘Blake, this is a really crazy time, there’s so much going on …’ Eddy mumbles but Blake won’t have it, won’t have any more bullshit.

‘Are you moving out again, Dad? Is that why you’re crying?’

Eddy can’t answer, all he can do is cry and say his son’s name. Anna tries to take Blake’s arm but he shakes her off again and, keeping his focus on Eddy, he says seriously, ‘If you leave, I’m coming with you.’

‘Blake, no, that’s not …’

‘Fine. Well, then Mum should go; and you, me and Albie stay.’

Then their son looks at Anna with an expression Eddy has never seen from him before, lips curled, eyes narrow as he says, ‘She’s the one who’s ruined everything for us and for Uncle Seb and Rosie. She’s the one who’s publicly lying about me, her own son! She isn’t safe to be around any more. You hear that, Mum? I don’t trust you and I don’t want to be around you.’

Then, before they can see his sorrow crest through his anger, Blake walks through the kitchen and back out, into the night, and Eddy has to hold Anna back as she cries out his name again and again.

They sit silently in the wreckage of their marriage, Eddy untethered by the simultaneously shocking and grounding revelation that Blake has chosen his side. The doorbell ricochets around the stillness and despite everything Eddy still puts on a show – wolf mask on, snarling and growling – for the trick-or-treaters. Just as Eddy closes the door and goes back to Anna, he hears it. The noise of a plane about to crash. A high-pitched whine of something unnatural, something that is about to explode and cannot be contained, something that shouldn’t be so close, something that is about to change everything.