Private Lives

Chapter 26

It’s a week after the parent forum and Eddy is helping Anna pack. So often it has been the other way around, her carefully folding his shirts into a suitcase before a business trip, but now it’s Anna who is incapable of making any decision alone.

She is going to stay with her sister in the Lake District for an unspecified length of time. They are calling it a ‘few days’ but Eddy suspects – hopes, even – that she might take longer. Because whatever is happening to Anna, she needs time to heal properly. This is not a wound that can be plastered over. It needs air, it needs rest, it needs time.

It was Anna who suggested the trip. She’d come back from the parent forum too stunned to talk. Eddy didn’t know what the hell had happened until Blake showed him the video of Abi. He’d felt like punching the air watching her. As soon as it finished, he watched it again. Blake standing, his arm over his dad’s shoulders, grinning by his side.

‘What about Lily, is she …?’ Eddy asked his son, worrying about the repercussions, but Blake’s smile only got wider at the mention of her name.

‘She’s … yeah, well, she’s amazing,’ he said. Eddy got the impression that wasn’t the first time he’d used that adjective to describe his new girlfriend.

‘You really like her, don’t you?’

He looked away then, shy but still smiling. ‘Yeah, Dad, even more now.’

Lily’s refusal to be shamed had completely deflated the few bullies who taunted her online and at school. Her dignity made them seem ridiculous, isolated, sad.

Blake still wasn’t able to forgive Anna. He was still angry, still walked out of the room as soon as she appeared and would only talk to her if absolutely necessary. Normally this kind of thing would make Anna crazy with anger but mostly she just seemed fearful. She’d become paranoid that whoever had burnt Eva’s house down was now planning some kind of retribution against them. She dreamt of bricks flying through their window, her sons’ blood spilling through gaps in the floorboards. Eddy, who was sleeping in the spare room now, tried his best to keep her calm, would go upstairs and try to help her go back to sleep after a nightmare. But it was hard, almost impossible, when she was getting messages from disguised numbers telling her how dangerous and how fucking stupid she was. Eddy was still on enough community WhatsApp groups to know that Vita and Lotte had effectively absolved themselves of any wrongdoing, Lotte claiming and pointing out – as she’d said publicly in both a BBC interview and at the parents’ forum – that she’d always only had Abi’s best interests at heart. Vita’s defence had been harder, meaner. She’d said at the forum she’d merely been relaying Anna’s theory, that she was just the spokesperson and not the ringleader – she wasn’t, after all, the person who had started the witch-hunt, announcing what Seb had done on live radio. Vita didn’t say Anna’s name because she didn’t have to. Everyone was just relieved to have someone new to blame.

This morning Eddy had suggested to Blake in the kitchen that he take the day off school; he’d wanted to see if he could broker some kind of peace between Anna and Blake before Anna went away. Blake shook his head at Eddy’s hopeful suggestion. Instead, he looked directly at Anna, his gaze full of scorn. ‘No, Dad. I need to go to school. I want Uncle Seb to know he has my full support. Ethan and me – we made a poster.’

He went out of the back door, leaving it open so a few leaves from the sycamore tree in the garden blew into the kitchen, Anna staring, unseeing, after him.

Now Anna sits meekly on his side of the bed that has for the last few nights been only Anna’s bed, and Eddy holds up two pairs of woollen socks. ‘Which one?’ he asks. She points to a red pair and Eddy throws them into the open suitcase. They don’t have long.

‘Do you think he’ll come home to say goodbye?’ she asks, picking at the skin around her thumb.

‘I hope so, love, I really do.’

But Blake has already messaged Eddy telling him he’s going to one of his football teammates’ houses after school. That Eddy shouldn’t expect him home until much later. Eddy didn’t know how to reply, so he’s just left it for now. Anna nods, head bowed; she knows he isn’t coming.

‘I wonder how long you’ll call me that,’ Anna says, lifting her head to look at Eddy, who is now counting out pairs of her pants.

‘Call you what?’

‘Love.’

Eddy stops counting.

‘You don’t have to answer. I suppose there’s going to be a load of stuff we can’t answer for a while at least.’

He drops all the pants on top of the red socks in the suitcase. Suddenly it feels perverse, packing her up like this, like she’s been fired from all their lives and is gathering her paltry belongings into the sad cardboard box of the immediately dismissed.

He sits next to her. Puts his hand on her forearm to pull her poor ragged thumb out of her teeth.

‘Come on, Anna. We said we wouldn’t talk about what’s going to happen between us just yet; you need a rest, a break from here, from everyone. You’ll be feeling so much better in a few days and then, when you’re home, we can make a plan.’

‘We don’t have to separate, do we, Eddy?’

She strokes his head, twiddling his curls around her fingers in the way he likes, but he gently takes her fingers out of his hair and says, hating the words but feeling the truth of them in his whole body, ‘Yes, Anna, sweetheart. Yes, we do.’

She starts crying again then, but softer and sadder this time.

He leaves Anna in the kitchen, writing notes for Blake and Albie. He fetches her headphones and a snack for her long train ride before carrying the case downstairs. She starts telling him what food they have, the meals he could defrost for the boys, as he rushes her out of the front door, remembering to grab her rain mac at the last minute.

Even though the train station is only a few minutes’ walk from home, they drive, Anna sitting low in the passenger seat like she’s trying to smuggle herself out of town.

Eddy spots some of Blake’s friends walking along in a group after school, Lily among them, laughing. One of them recognizes Eddy and points his finger as they drive by, his mouth an exaggerated ‘O’ of excitement as the others turn to stare in their direction.

They pull into the station car park; Eddy’s about to find a spot but Anna points towards the front of the station and says, ‘Just drop me off here, Ed.’

‘No, I’ll …’

‘Please, Ed, just go,’ she says softly.

Eddy winces; his stomach slips. ‘You sure you’re going to be OK?’

Anna shrugs her shoulders and her face looks like it’s about to break, but she manages to keep her voice steady as she says, ‘I’m a big girl, Ed. I’ll be fine.’

‘You’ll call when you get there?’

She nods and they hear an announcement for her train to London where she’ll need to change to head up north. Anna reaches for the car door handle, but Eddy stops her, drawing her into a hug. It’s uncomfortable, awkward – they both have to twist – though it’s not as bad as the moment when usually they’d kiss on the lips but now they just look at each other, blank and clumsy. Who knew one of their last times together as a couple could be charged with so much regret, the opposite of all that hope Eddy remembers from their first joyous dates so many years ago?

Eddy feels something rise in his throat and he leaps out of the car to retrieve Anna’s suitcase, tries to swallow the feeling back down. When he hands her the case they kiss on the cheek; her skin is salty and he squeezes her hand, like they were just good friends, really, all along. Her train is already pulling into the station as she walks away.

Eddy parks around the corner from school and waits for as long as he can for most of the parents and kids to evaporate before jogging towards the school gates. He’s nearly there, arms crossed and head down, when he collides with someone who is also walking quickly. The woman is smaller than Eddy, holding a little girl’s hand, and Eddy automatically holds his own hands out, palms open to show her he didn’t mean it.

‘God, sorry! Sorry!’ Eddy repeats as the woman glances at the girl to make sure she’s OK first, and that’s when Eddy recognizes her. She’s wearing a beanie over her short hair and an oversized raincoat, but Abi makes no effort to hide her face from him. Instead, when she looks up, right into him, she’s neither smiling nor shying away. She looks weary but clear. The words – the automatic apologies for not looking where he was going – freeze in Eddy’s throat. He breathes out and so does she and the little girl says, ‘Who’s that?’

Eddy will never again get this chance, these brief seconds to say the words he should have said much earlier. When he opens his mouth, they come gently, slowly, like he’s talking from a part of him he didn’t even know had a voice, ‘I’m sorry.’

Abi just keeps her eyes on him, nods and turning towards her little girl says, ‘Oh, he’s just someone who needs to get better at looking where they’re going,’ as the two of them walk away, hand in hand.

As soon as Albie is in the back seat and they’re driving away from school, Eddy tells him that Anna has gone away for a few days. His head tries to steer him towards the emotional convenience of a lie – that she’s gone on a fun trip – but he battles against it.

‘The thing is, Albie, she needs a bit of space and time,’ he says. ‘She needs a break.’

‘Is she not feeling well?’

‘No. No, she’s not.’

Albie nods and glances out of his window and says, ‘I’ll make her a card,’ and Eddy’s about to tell his sweet boy that that’s a wonderful idea when Albie adds, ‘If Mum’s away, does that mean we can get fish and chips?’

Eddy smiles – he’s a chip off the old block – and says, ‘Absolutely.’

There are roadworks on the way home, the traffic’s bad, so they take a different route and it’s only when Albie points out of his window and says, ‘There’s Uncle Seb’s car,’ that Eddy clocks where they are. Unusually for this busy road, there’s a generous car space right outside Seb and Rosie’s place. Eddy finds himself suddenly indicating right and parking. He looks through the mirror at Albie in the back seat as though hoping his eight-year-old will be able to explain to him exactly what the hell he’s doing. That brief moment with Abi has emboldened him. Now is the moment for magic, the time for forgiveness and, besides, he hasn’t seen either Seb or Rosie since the fire.

Albie just blinks back at him and sensing another opportunity asks, ‘Can I wait here and play games on your phone?’

The curtains in the front room are half drawn but as Eddy approaches the front door he sees Sylvie and Rosie through the side pane in the bay window. Rosie notices him looking at her almost immediately, like she was expecting him. Eddy raises a hand and Rosie nods back, says something to Sylvie and walks out of the room. Eddy moves closer to the front door, but that feels too close; he steps back again. He rakes his fingers across his damp palms, tugs at his beard. He tries to think why he’s here, what he’s going to say, but his nervousness seems to have smothered all rationale.

He’s expecting Rosie so it’s a small shock when the door opens and Seb is standing there, opposite him. They haven’t been alone in so long. Eddy steps forward, his body forgetting everything because it just wants to feel the familiarity of his oldest, dearest friend. But Seb flinches back, away from Eddy, slightly.

‘Eddy,’ Seb says, a note of caution in his voice. ‘I didn’t know you were coming by.’

‘No, nor did I … I was just passing so …’ Panic sparks down Eddy’s spine. ‘Albie saw your car and I wanted to say, I just thought …’

Seb looks at Eddy, waits patiently, but he makes no effort to make this easier for Eddy. Seb’s calm makes Eddy flounder, so he blurts the first thing that comes to him. ‘Anna and I are separating.’

Shit. Eddy’s making it about himself again, so he adds quickly, ‘But you don’t need to worry about that; I’m not, like, expecting anything …’

‘I didn’t know,’ Seb says simply. ‘That must be hard. I’m sorry.’

He doesn’t say, ‘That’s got nothing to do with me,’ or, ‘I don’t give a shit,’ or try to close the door on Eddy. He doesn’t even look like he’s thinking any of those things, but he doesn’t reach to hug Eddy or open the door to invite him inside like he normally would.

‘Yeah, well, just thought I should let you know. She’s gone away for a bit so … if you … anyway, I …’

Seb keeps looking at him before he says, ‘I’ve been meaning to be in touch, Ed. I wanted to thank you, properly, for being here. That night. The fire. It was good of you to stay here with the kids. Thank you.’

‘Oh, Seb, of course, of course. Least I could do. I … How is Eva?’

Seb moves his head from side to side. ‘OK, under the circumstances. Been better.’

‘Any update on who did it?’

Seb shakes his head like he never expects there to be an update. Something’s different about him and Eddy’s not sure he likes it. Seb seems flat, a little absent, not even trying to make this less awkward, less icky. He’s putting no effort in, and Eddy starts to panic. It’s been too long since either of them said anything. This is going badly. Then Eddy lights upon the thing he’d forgotten – he’d known there was something!

‘Oh shit! Seb! The governors’ meeting – how’d it go?’

Seb breathes out, nods slowly and says, ‘Well. That’s been another surprise. We just found out yesterday. Because there was no proper evidence that I had used a school computer, they told me I can keep my job.’

‘Wow!’ Eddy opens his palms in celebration. ‘That’s amazing news. Congratulations!’

‘Yeah.’ Seb nods but he seems unsure whether it is good news or not. ‘Yeah, I suppose it is.’

‘You don’t sound happy about it?’

‘I don’t know, Ed. I’m just having a day where it feels like we’ve all lost so much.’

Eddy puts his hand on Seb’s shoulder, but he feels his muscles stiffen against his touch. He takes it away and desperately tries to steer the conversation back into warmer waters as he says, ‘The kids must have been pleased?’

Finally, Seb smiles properly and Eddy, encouraged, adds, ‘Blake told me about the poster.’

‘Yeah.’ Seb’s smile broadens; he laughs a little. ‘I think some of them were pleased. Blake kept on giving me high-fives.’

‘I bet.’ Eddy smiles with him, and for the briefest moment he can feel the two of them coming together again, like before, but almost immediately Seb starts to fall away again and Eddy, desperate, searches for a way to bring him back. ‘Listen, Seb, I was thinking maybe you and me could find a time to pay old Court Five a visit. I’ll bet she’s been missing us …’

Seb is gently shaking his head. ‘I don’t think so, Ed.’

‘C’mon, Seb. Don’t make this into something bigger than it needs to be. We both made mistakes. If we can acknowledge that, accept it, then I don’t see why we can’t go back to how things were before all of this …’ Eddy stops talking because Seb’s still shaking his head, harder now.

‘Ed, no. That’s just it, I don’t want things to go back to how they were.’

‘Well, how do you want them to be?’

‘I honestly don’t know. But I think … I think it’d be good if you just give me some space to figure it out.’

Eddy steps back. He knows when someone is breaking up with him; he’s had enough experience. Eddy bows his head and grabs his beard just as from inside the house a little voice – Greer, Eddy thinks – calls, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’

Seb turns back inside, calling, ‘One moment, sweetheart!’ before coming back to Eddy and motioning with his head. ‘I’ve got to go.’

Eddy says too loud, ‘Sure! Yeah, of course!’

Seb knows Eddy makes himself upbeat, jolly, because he doesn’t know what else to do with this awful sinking. Seb knows it but again he does nothing to try to make it better before he says, ‘Bye, Eddy.’

And just like that, Seb closes the front door.

Eddy stays there, on the top step, for a moment longer and feels his new aloneness swelling around him, and it hurts, but mostly it just feels strange. And he’s surprised that he can still turn away from the door he loves, still full and aching with the feeling, walk back to his car and say to his son, ‘Come on then, Albs. Next stop, fish and chips.’