Pygmy

Dispatch Thirty-third

Begins here thirty-third account of operative me, agent number 67, upon foray retail outlet Wal-Mart for purchase provisions National Science Fair. Fresh inner pants, paste of teeth, hair comb, supplies required purpose of travel airplane flight XXXXXX. Journey so housed corrupt luxury hotel XXXXXX. Hatch wide distribution deadly neurotoxin XXXXXX, instant kill American millions, likely in addition Tibor, Mang, Ling, all fellow operative—including operative me. Likely additional martyr Magda, burdened with fetus. Accomplish lifetime mission Operation Havoc.

Solely no murder cat sister, host sister. Best beloved despite recent loathing that sister for this agent. Operative me shall die same manner as Trevor Stonefield—adoring only no adored.

Alone. No beloved. Appareled fresh inner pants.

Magic quiet door go sideways, disappear inside wall to open path from outside. Doors slide gone until reveal inside stand old slave woman appareled with red tunic, Doris Lilly. Ancient sentinel rest gray cloud eye on operative me, roll eye from hair and down this agent, say, voice like old parrot, say, “Welcome to Wal-Mart.” Say, “Comrade.”

Inquires this agent, face operative me designed into pleasing eye contact. This agent say, “Much venerate ancient mother… where sold here sterile inner—”

Next now, halt. Thinking machine operative me fixed upon word comrade.

Face of ancient mummify bound in dying skin, clouded eye only look, no blink.

Same now, voice say, “Hey, Pyg man.” From elsewhere nearby, male voice say, “Can I talk to you?”

Ancient parrot, sag skin jump with smile. Edge smear of red wax slice open as mouth, wax smile spread so reveal prosthetic teeth, say, “Good luck at the National Science Fair…”

Male voice revealed as pig dog brother. On breath, the stink of Ritalin. The pollution stench of model airplane adhesive and frequent masturbations. Host brother brandish sheet white paper, sheet revealed as envelope. Fingers pig dog pluck envelope so open, extract paper colored white. Standard-size letter. Say, “You got a minute?”

Envelope delivered hand of female Stonefield, amid burial rites devil Tony.

Hand operative me aware folded newsprint photograph within trouser this agent. Aware vial neurotoxin purloined office of arrested host father. Allowing single inhale, able murder host brother. Murder Doris Lilly. Resolve all mysteries and possible conflict.

Aware molar tooth this agent, filled hollow with deadly cyanide. Forever so able resolve this agent utilizing single bite.

En route, approached operative Tibor, that agent bestowing thick stack, vast quantity paper American currency upon operative me. Serious mass load many notes one, five, twenty-dollar bills.

For official record, allow pig dog brother lead this agent making small parade. Stride passing location clear-yellow bully brutalize host brother. Stride past table numerous shoe for purchase. Tennis shoe, track shoe, bowling shoe. Wrestling shoe. Basketball shoe. Cross-training shoe. Arriving shelves burdened cologne of Listerine, host brother halt, make eyes sideways one direction, sideways other direction. No fellow citizen present as witness. Next then, happen upon former gentleman delegate Tanzania, occasion catalyst vast smile, delegate say, “Pyg-ster!” Say, “Hey, good buddy!”

Next then, stumble upon Madam Butter Bags. Esteemed madam bat flirt eye, say squeal, “Pygmy!” Say, “Wow about that science fair thing!”

Upon occasion alone, isolated amid empty aisle accompanied solely host brother, hands host brother open paper sheet. Fingers vibrating. Trembling. Voice of pig dog in additional trembling, say, “I need to read you something Mrs. Stonefield gave me…”

In response this agent could offer instruct pig brother, paw-raw, pounce Clawing Cougar.

Eyes pig dog darting evasive, no connecting eyes this agent. English alphabet letters, written by hand alongside of envelope, written, “For Pygmy.”

Negotiate could be operative me train host brother, slash-crash, execute perfect exact Tearing Tiger.

That now, approached operative Tanek for deliver that agent large volume, serious bulk additional American monetary notes.

Pig brother eyes fixed upon letter sheet, say, read say, “‘Dear Pygmy…’”

This agent offer, could be teach brother, claw-craw, Pawing Panther. After able instant quick kill all enemy.

‘“Dear Pygmy,’” repeat say host brother, ‘“Probably I shouldn’t feel embarrassed, because if you’re reading my letter then I’ve got to be dead.’”

In secret thinking machine operative me, no voice reciting, Nickel, niobium, Naughahyde… 223

Read say out letter, host brother say, “‘That’s probably for the best.’”

Within skull reciting, Fermium, fluorine, Formica…

Read say, ‘“Better to be dead, I figure, than alive and knowing what I can’t have. You know?’” Read say, ‘“Maybe it’s better just living the way you figure life is when you’re a kid. Before you get too smart.’”

Ultimate million reflections this agent, pig dog brother, striding past everything new with shine. Polished plastic. Tight stretches vinyl. Everything American begging for take home.

Pig brother say off paper, ‘“If I could go back to before you and me in the bathroom, definitely probably I’d jump at the chance. Only problem is, I can’t.’” Read say, ‘“If you won’t share my life with me, maybe you’ll share my death.’”

Eye cast upon letter, read say, ‘“Sorry about tomorrow at the United Nations, how I’m tricking you to kill me.’” Read say, “‘You made me somebody new. That’s plenty’” Read say, ‘“Thank you.’”

In closing, paper written, “Love.” Written, “Trevor Stone-field.”

Fingers operative me aware vial tucked within trouser, toxin. Within skull reciting prayer of benevolent hero, altruist savior Mao Tse-tung, say, “If you have to shit, shit! If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it.”

“That money you gave me at Wal-Mart,” say pig brother, say, “it smelled like ass…” Say, “How’d that happen?”

From distant, far terminus aisle, solely witness aged skeleton Doris Lilly. Clouded eye observe, no blink. Next now, menacing wrinkled head tilt, nod, repeat to make head meaning “yes.” Feet ominous cadaver make exit, wander so no more present, eclipsed behind many absurd breakfast food, heaped expiring foodstuffs.

Dying objects. Dying buyers. Desperate how sad.

Arriving that then, operative Chernok, imparting generous portion, much heavy funds cash of American legal tender. Paper bills printed portraits presidents Lincoln, Jackson, Washington.

Quote, “If you have to shit, shit! If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it.”

Hands operative me delve more deep trouser, fingers clutch glass vial. Extract so able present for pig dog. Voice of this agent, pitched casual, explain how vial as Listerine: effective cologne for driving all the fine ladies wild. Display vial so most appealing. Announce, here invented such super-mega-effective Spanish fly as pig brother requested. Rise elevate vial fatal toxin, hand making ever more close host brother face.