Sinner Takes All

CHAPTER 9 The Secret’s Out

After spending the better part of 1999 appearing spread-eagle for dozens of magazines and fucking on camera in dozens of porn films, I felt I had to let my family know what I was up to. But I wasn’t quite ready to tell them the whole truth. It’s one thing to not be ashamed of the dirty deeds I was doing; it’s another thing to tell your father all about it. I didn’t even want my dad to know I have sex, let alone that I was making a living by fucking. The thought mortified me. I wanted to be a virgin in my dad’s eyes, and I wanted him to be proud of me. I’d always sought out his approval, and I knew I wouldn’t be getting it for this. So, I decided to tell a little white lie.

It was around Christmas of 1999 and I was sitting on a cold park bench with my dad in Lakeport, California, where he was living at the time. (Dad moved around a lot.) I went home to visit him and my stepmom, Kara, for the holidays. He was clutching his dog’s leash. Mick was a chocolate brown Irish terrier with wiry hair and this crazy Confucius beard. My dad was cool as usual. He was very relaxed. His legs were crossed and he was looking very proper. I was shaking partly because it was so cold outside and partly because of the bombshell I was about to unload.

“Dad, I’ve posed nude for magazines,” I told him. “And I just want you to know it’s my choice and I’m excited and it’s going well.”

His response shocked me: “Well, honey, you know there might be some people in that industry that might persuade you to do porn.”

Porn! He brought up the porn! I thought, “Oh, this is going to be easier than I thought. Maybe I can tell him the whole truth.”

Then he said, “I just want you to be careful. And don’t let anyone do anything you don’t want to do. Make all your decisions with a clear head.”

“Oh my God. He knows! He knows everything,” I immediately thought. My paranoid little mind was reeling. Dad’s a hippie from the ’60s. He knew I was a wild child and free spirited. I thought for sure he already knew. But he didn’t say anything. I almost told him right then and there but something came over me and I chickened out. I didn’t tell him I did porn until 2002 when my Playboy issue came out.

Meanwhile, my sister Debby found out on her own. Debby and her boyfriend walked into a video store one day and she saw a poster on the wall of me. My hair and makeup were really done up so it might have been hard to recognize me by face. But there was one telltale sign that proved it was me.

Debby told me she looked up at the poster and said to her boyfriend, “Oh my God. That’s my fucking sister!”

“Your sister’s name is Linda, not Tera,” he said.

“No, that tattoo! She has a fuchsia rose tattoo on her right ankle. That is her! I would know that tattoo anywhere.”

Debby called me that day and said, “I know exactly what you’re up to and exactly what you’re doing. You can’t hide it from me.”

I actually didn’t want to hide it from her. My sister and I had been really close and I knew she was open-minded like me. I had planned on telling her first out of everyone in my family anyway. I just didn’t get around to it. As I expected, Debby was totally cool with me being in porn. She always thought I should do something else in entertainment or modeling anyway. She told me, “As your sister I support you and I don’t judge you. And if you can be happy with yourself and look in the mirror every day proud of what you see, then I can too.” She became one of my biggest fans and still is today. When people ask her about it, Debby says, “My sister empowered a lot of women to explore their bodies, their sexuality, and gain confidence in the bedroom. I look at all of the positive contributions that she’s made.” I like that.

As for my mother finding out, well, I didn’t find out how she came to know my secret until 2009 when we reconnected and talked about it for the first time. Mom told me, “Debby told me right away. She was a tattletale too like you were as a young girl. I was shocked but also happy that you were doing well. It was mixed. I always wanted my daughters to be very strong, on top of the world, and taking good care of themselves, and both of my daughters are. I’m proud.”