Sinner Takes All: A Memoir of Love and Porn

CHAPTER 27 SO, You Want to Be a REAL Porn Star?

When Evan and I sat down in 2003 and decided I would reenter the porn world with Teravision, I told him that I didn’t want to shoot movies forever, especially not well into my thirties. Our plan was simple: Form our company, make lucrative deals, and film maybe ten movies for the next few years and then release them slowly in the coming years so there would be a steady stream of product, but I wouldn’t have to shoot month after month or year after year. So when I had enough movies in the can and the mainstream media was accepting me, I figured that was the time to stop filming and focus on other things, like my lingerie line, Mistress Couture, which my sister and I launched in 2007, or the burlesque show in Las Vegas that I am launching in 2010. Or, other projects included the Fit 4 Sex exercise videos, the Playboy TV show School for Sex, the Rock Star/Porn Star radio show we did for Sirius Radio, and working on Teravision and my website. I didn’t want to turn my back on the adult industry. I love the industry and I will forever be a part of it. I just didn’t want to be fucking on camera for a living for the rest of my life.

The problem was that while I might have wanted to stop filming, Evan wasn’t ready to stop. He had just begun. And he was enjoying being Spyder Jonez. He had quite a fan base and was really great on camera. So, one night in 2005 Evan sat me down and said, “Listen, you can stop doing porn. But I don’t want to.”

“Wait, what?” I reverted back to the jealous, insecure Tera who would scratch him up at the mere thought of him being with another girl. But I’m just like any other hot-blooded female in the world: I get jealous too. I have insecurities. I might be a porn star and head of a company, but I was also just a girl in love with a boy. And it was not easy at first to accept Evan’s desires to branch out in 2005.

“Hey, you know we’re doing Test Drive soon and I’d like to shoot a scene in it,” Evan said.

“Wait, what?!” I still couldn’t believe it. “You want to fuck another girl? You want to do a scene without me?”

“Well, think of this way: If I do the scene, you don’t have to pay a talent fee to another guy and it saves us money,” he said with a smirk.

This is when my doubts about Evan’s intentions started creeping into my brain, and I started to fear that our marriage was taking a turn I didn’t expect and certainly didn’t want.

The only thoughts running through my mind were that he was bored of fucking me, he wanted to fuck other girls, he would find someone he liked better and leave me for her. It was irrational. Being a porn star myself I should know that it’s just business. Porn stars are not like civilians. We can separate our work from our personal life. I should know, I fucked many men on-screen and it didn’t affect my marriage at all. I knew this. But I was really worried nonetheless. I worked my whole life to get to this place where I had my prince charming, and I didn’t want to lose that. That scared the hell out of me. I was afraid he’d find a saner girl and finally say to me, “You know what, Tera? You’re crazy. I can’t take it.” I just kept thinking, “But why?” No matter what reason he gave me, I would say, “But why?” There was no right answer.

We were both working so hard when it came to Teravision. He had put his music career on hold to be my CEO. And he wasn’t done living out his porn fantasies on-screen. He wanted to get his freak on, and that had nothing to do with his feelings toward me. You see, the difference between me and Evan is that Evan is ten times hornier than I am.

My big point was this: almost every couple in porn breaks up, and I didn’t want to be another porn statistic. I didn’t want the porn curse to hit us. I’ve seen it happen to other couples. Doing porn as a husband and wife team is safe, but once one branches out to do people outside the marriage, that’s when the trouble seems to set in, and I feared for our perfect marriage.

After the initial shock wore off, I was able to think rationally about the situation. I would be a hypocrite to not let him do other women for movies. I was doing other men and it didn’t hurt our marriage one bit. It’s just fucking, and with all the crew and cameras around, it’s more of a job than an intimate situation. We’re all professionals. You shake hands with your costar, you do your job, and you leave. There’s no attachment. If I wasn’t in porn and Evan wasn’t doing a scene, would I have let him fuck another girl? No. But we are in porn and it was for a scene, so the answer had to be yes.

And besides, I knew Evan loved me, and that is all that mattered. I knew I was his princess. I knew I had his heart. He reminded me of it morning, noon, and night from the time we met. Our marriage was solid. We weren’t like other porn couples. I finally calmed down and realized that I could let him do this and it would be OK.

“OK, you can do the scene,” I finally said. “Let’s see how it goes and how I feel afterwards.”

“Thank you, baby,” Evan said. “You’ll see. When I come home from the set, I will still be your loving husband, and nothing will have changed.”

“OK,” I said. “But one thing—I don’t want to be on set when you do your scenes. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to hear about it.” He promised me he’d do it only for a few years and then get out. Fair enough.

I trusted him, and off he went to do his first scene without me. It was a normal boy-girl sex scene with Roxy Jezel. And Evan was right. He came home from set that day and nothing had changed. We went to bed that night in each other’s arms as if nothing had happened that day and as if nobody else in the world mattered but us.

I had a few conditions, of course. Absolutely under no circumstances could he do anal with another girl. That was our thing, and I wanted to keep it that way. There was another condition that I had to attach later. Once Evan launched his own pay website Rockstarpimp.com in 2008, he started doing scenes with girls every week. I never wanted to get involved with it, but one day I asked him, “So, what do you do with the girls?” He said, “Well, you know, I ask their name. I interview them. I spin them around. And then we have sex.”

“You WHAT?!” I screamed. “You spin them?!”

Spinning does have another meaning: a spinner in porn is a petite girl a guy spins on his dick. But that’s not the spinning we’re talking about here. That spinning would be OK. The spinning that I had a temper tantrum over meant that he would take the girl by her hand and twirl her around to get a good look… like a dancer does to his partner or a daddy does to his little girl or as Evan did to me on our first date and many dates thereafter. From our very first date, Evan would love to see me get all dressed up for a night out on the town and when I was ready, he’d take me by the hand, spin me around, and give me a kiss. And now he was doing our special thing with these porn chicks?! Oh, no. Not on my watch.

“That’s our cutesy little thing!” I screamed at Evan.

“Uh…” He was speechless.

I continued my tirade. “You’re doing our special thing with those girls?!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think—” Evan said.

“That’s right, you didn’t think!” I just welled up inside and the floodgates of tears opened up and I cried and cried and cried.

“I’m sorry. I’ll never do that again. I should’ve known,” he said. He felt truly awful. He apologized profusely and did everything to make it up to me. He came home one day soon after that and pulled into the driveway holding two huge bunches of red roses out the window as he drove in. My heart melted. He also got in the habit of buying me expensive gifts or sending me shopping on the days he had scenes to take my mind off what he was doing on set.

Here is the column I wrote on the topic of couples in the business in my “Teravision” column for Genesis magazine in February 2009: