The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man

Sweden

Thus it came to pass that Allan and Julius, after two and a half hours of slow walking, arrived at the warehouse of the Swedish partner, the day after the police had raided the place and arrested the partner in question. The door of the warehouse bore a yellow sign with a red outline and black text: ‘Sealed in accordance with Code of Judicial Procedure Chapter 27, Paragraph 15. Trespassing is punishable by law.’ Signed: ‘The Police.’

‘What happened here?’ Allan asked a woman passing by with her dog.

‘A raid on an illegal vegetable importer,’ said the woman.

‘Bloody Gunnar Grisly,’ said Julius.

‘Nice dog,’ said Allan. ‘What’s its name?’

The friends were once again at a loss. And as penniless as before. Furthermore, Julius had a blister. He limped alongside Allan towards central Märsta, and had trouble keeping up with the hundred-and-one-year-old’s pace. At last he had to give up.

‘I’m not taking another step,’ he said. ‘I’m about to die of this blister.’

‘It’s not that easy to die,’ said Allan. ‘I know from my own personal experience. You’ll just have to take a few more steps.’

He pointed at a corner shop across the street; it appeared to share a wall with an undertaker. ‘Won’t that be nice? Inside the door on the left you can buy bandages, and if they don’t have any for sale you can die inside the door on the right.’

Allan stepped into the corner shop with his limping friend two metres behind. A woman of late middle age with three different kinds of amulet around her neck sat at the cash register. She looked up in surprise; she wasn’t exactly drowning in customers.

‘Good morning,’ said Allan. ‘Might there be any bandages for sale here? My friend Julius has grown weary of his blister.’

Yes, there were. The woman pointed at the shelf of personal hygiene items. Julius staggered over, found what he needed, and staggered back to the amulet lady, who scanned the item and informed him of the price.

‘Thirty-six kronor, please.’

‘Well, that’s the thing,’ Julius thought up. ‘I forgot my wallet today. Can I come back and pay tomorrow?’

‘That’s fine. I’ll put the bandages aside for now,’ said the woman, snatching the box back so fast her amulets rattled.

‘No – that is, I have a blister now, but money later. I want to take the bandages with me, come back tomorrow and pay.’

The woman was more than just a cashier. In fact, she owned the store. She aimed a grave look at one of her first customers of the day. ‘I am a hardworking business owner. I’ve been here since eight this morning for almost no reason. Are you suggesting that I should start handing out my wares for free, once someone who needs something finally appears?’

Julius sighed, not sure he had the energy for the dialogue he could see coming. But he responded that he understood the woman’s point of view, and that he wished she could come to understand his own. This was a very special situation. He was an honourable person, a diplomat, in fact, who had just returned from America on an urgent matter. He had accidentally left his wallet at the embassy.

‘Then why not go and get it?’

‘In the United States.’

The amulet lady took an extra look first at Julius, then Allan, then Julius again. One of them was older than her; the other seemed older than was possible. Neither of them looked like a diplomat, whatever one of those looked like.

‘Then how about calling a friend?’

Julius’s left heel was bleeding. His right heel was calling attention to itself as well. And it had been several hours since he’d had any food. ‘I have no friends,’ he said.

‘That’s not true,’ said Allan, who was standing nearby. ‘You have me, Julius.’

‘And how much money do you have?’

‘None, but still.’

The lady with the amulets followed the gentlemen’s conversation.

‘I’m sorry. No money, no bandages. That is the policy of this poor little shop. Put into place by me, the owner, Sabine Jonsson.’

‘But that’s Julius’s last name too,’ said Allan. ‘Isn’t that reason enough to make an exception?’

The amulet lady shook her head. The amulets followed. ‘There must be close to a hundred thousand Jonssons in this country. What would become of my finances if I handed out free bandages to them all?’

Allan said he supposed her finances would go to pot if she did that, but right now they were talking about one Jonsson, not a hundred thousand. To be on the safe side, of course, she could put up a sign on her door later, which clearly stated that all the country’s Jonssons shouldn’t bother asking.

The amulet lady was about to reply, but Julius was in absolute despair. He couldn’t deal with this any longer. It was impossible to consider limping away without bandaging himself first.

‘Give the bandages here,’ he said. ‘This is a robbery!’

The amulet lady looked more surprised than scared.

‘What do you mean, a robbery?’ she said. ‘You don’t have anything to rob me with. Not even a water pistol. If you’re going to rob someone, at least do it properly.’

Julius had never robbed anyone before, but he felt insulted on behalf of all the professional robbers of the world. How could a robbery victim be so disrespectful?

Allan asked if the woman had water pistols for sale. It might be just the thing to get them out of the impasse in which they were currently stuck.

She did not. What was more, how was he planning to pay for the pistol? If he had money, wouldn’t it be better to pay the ransom for his friend’s bandages?

Allan realized she was right. But he also sensed a note of forgiveness in the air. Perhaps the woman with the amulets didn’t want to argue any more. He quickly worked out a plan for peace.

‘I see you have a small café corner over there. If my friend and I have a seat with the bandages, might you keep us company over a cup of coffee, ma’am? Wouldn’t that be a decently unexpected turn of events?’

The amulet lady smiled for the first time. She handed the box of bandages to Julius with the comment that he and his friend weren’t thirty-six kronor in debt, but another twenty on top. The coffee was ten kronor a cup.

Julius nodded gratefully and shuffled over to the closest empty chair. Allan wondered if there would be an extra charge for a sugar cube.

‘Both sugar and milk are included. Have a seat. I’ll be over in a tick.’