The Beginning and the End

FORTY-FOUR

At the end of the scholastic year, Hussein obtained the baccalaureate. During the interval of waiting for the results of the examination to appear, the family suffered bitter doubts and fears. Nobody dared to predict how things might develop if Hussein should fail to pass or lose his exemption from fees. After her prolonged patience, it was impossible for Samira to conceive of such an outcome, or to see all her hopes in ruin.

Surrounded by his brother, his sister, and his mother, their quivering hearts palpitating with hope and fear, Hussein took the newspaper from the newsboy, cast dazed looks at it, searching its pages for his successful number. It was a dreadful moment, indelibly imprinted on their memories. But now it was a happy day, the first happy day after two gloomy years. Their souls filled with joy, they offered their thanks to God. Their happy mood sometimes manifested itself in their gentle conversations, and occasionally in the prevalence of a glowing silence of reassurance. This gave them hope for tomorrow. But as they thought about the future, both near and distant, their happiness evaporated almost without their realizing it. Once more they imagined the difficulties confronting their lives. Thus these transient moments of serene happiness gave way to worry and deep pensiveness.

For the first time in his life, Hassanein discovered the truth that happiness is short-lived and that sorrow and pain outlive it. Hussein used to think of his future. Of course, he had his ambitions and dreams. Yet he was aware of the unpleasant facts of life. As if probing their reaction to his success, he inquired, “What do you think my next step should be?”

The mother’s greatest desire was that their miserable condition of life be terminated at any cost. All the worthwhile pieces of furniture in the flat having been sold, she knew that it was impossible for her family to continue this sort of life much longer. But she was reluctant to impose her opinions on him and control his career the way she controlled his life. He was no longer an infant. If on his own accord he agreed with her views, all well and good. But if he did not, let him choose whatever course of action he judged best for himself. In that event, the family was bound to continue as before in stoicism, fortitude, and even hunger, until God would ordain plenty and abundance for them.

“Let’s think it over carefully,” she said curtly.

Moved as usual by his passions, Hassanein was thinking fast, disguising his egocentricity behind what he believed to be the common good. “Life has become intolerable,” he said. “We’re ill-nourished and almost always hungry, our clothes torn, darned, or threadbare, and our house is empty. We shouldn’t prolong our suffering. We’ve no choice but to become practical about our lives,” he said.

Understanding his brother well, Hussein realized at once what he was driving at. Convinced though he was of the substance of his brother’s argument, he was irritated at his cunning. “Why do you say ‘we’ when I’m the only person involved in this matter?” Hussein asked.

Realizing that his brother usually divined his ulterior motives, Hassanein became disturbed. “I’m laying down a general principle that applies to you right now and to me in the future,” he said.

“You mean to say that I should find a job?”

Hassanein avoided an answer. “What do you think?” he asked.

Hussein turned to his mother. “What do you think, Mother?” he asked with a smile.

His smile affected her profoundly. She realized that he was placing his career in her hands, and that he was transferring responsibility for his future to her shoulders alone. But she would never persuade him to do anything against his will. Never, even if that meant that they must endure further humiliation for another four years. Of her three sons he was the only one who obeyed her without resentment or hesitation. So how could she permit him to become the family’s sacrificial goat?

“Hussein, your opinion will be mine, too,” she said unequivocally.

Hussein smiled mysteriously. Impelled by an irresponsible desire to annoy Hassanein, he said, “I’m thinking of continuing my higher education.”

“You’ve chosen the right thing.” Nefisa was pleased.

“This means four more lean years,” Hassanein said hesitantly.

“No, just one more year, and at the end of it, by God’s will, you’ll become an employee,” Hussein said with a grin.

Defeated, Hassanein laughed. “Perhaps,” he said apologetically, “you think that I want you to find a job to give me a chance to continue my higher education in peace and security. But, in fact, I want to relieve our suffering family. Besides, granting that to be employed on the baccalaureate is a sacrifice, you should be the one to make this sacrifice, not because I wish to deny you something which I want to get for myself, but because our family can make use of your sacrifice right now, while it has to wait another year to make use of mine.”

“This is false logic. I’m sure that you won’t agree to make any sacrifices, neither this year nor the next,” Hussein said, laughing.

The mother intervened to decide the matter once and for all. “Do what you like, Hussein. We’ve no objection,” she said.

Smiling at her serenely, he remarked, “I didn’t mean a word of what I said. I just wanted to make it clear to him that I understand him well enough. I don’t even blame him for the way he thinks; he has his reasons. Now, one of us two has to make sacrifices and accept a job. As the elder brother and having obtained the baccalaureate, it’s my duty to do so. I know how bad our circumstances are, and how wicked and cruel it would be of me to think of continuing my education. I must be content with my lot. Let’s all pray to God to help us get what we want.”

Despite their expressions of regret, Hussein could see relief in all their eyes. Sorry though he was, he experienced feelings of peace and pleasure. Our family, he thought, has almost forgotten all sense of relief and security. I should be glad to restore some such feelings to them. Why should I regret my sacrifice? To be a teacher or a clerk is all the same to me. Had our dreams been down-to-earth, we wouldn’t have subjected ourselves to sorrow and frustration.