The Boudoir No.1

A SPECIAL PLEA IN ABATEMENT; OR A GENERAL ISSUE JOINED

In a Case of Impotency

In the last decade of the eighteenth century a libel was preferred in Doctor's Commons by the daughter of an Esculapian professor against her husband for the heinous matrimonial crime of impotency, which was quashed in that conscientious jurisdiction by an event, if not of the most fortunate, at least of the most critical nature. Without any

presentiment, or allusion, of, or to, what actually happened, the defendant pleaded THE GENERAL ISSUE and the eccleciastical Jurats decreed that the opinion of three surgical examiners, upon oath, should decide the question, which, though neither of astronomy nor astrology, demanded a peculiar knowledge of the "globes," and all the principles of celestial and terrestrial "motion," nocturnal as well as diurnal. Messrs. Hocus, Pocus, and Focus, three very learned adepts in cases of this sort, were accordingly appointed upon this occasion. The defendant was served with notice of time and place, and every previous circumstance arranged to make the business as easy to his feelings as the nature thereof would admit.

But notwithstanding all this judicial and medical delicacy, the unfortunate defendant found himself exceedingly agitated by apprehensions lest the examiners should not find matters altogether as perfect as their knowledge of female anatomy might judge necessary — besides, the well-known idea of shrinking through fear had a most disagreeable effect upon his recollection.

However, as the criterion was decreed by the profound wisdom of the Spiritual Court, he considered it inevitable, and therefore submitted to the consequences. Behold now, gentle reader, especially if thou be of the softer and more tender sex- behold this votary of Hymen stretched upon his back! Behold the three sage sons of Galen with spectacles mounted! Behold the fingers of the eldest already applied to the flexible portcullis which screened and guarded the TRIA JUNCTA of human perpetuity! Behold them, like three Jewish high priests or Mahometan muftis going to perform the ceremony of circumcision, and call to your recollection what indeed must have been the feelings of the unfortunate object of their investigation. But, to return — Just as the enquiry was commencing, with no very favourable symptoms for our hero, a loud rapping was heard at the door of the apartment; the operation ceased, and the door being opened, a female far advanced in pregnancy made her appearance, attended by a grave looking matron, and two

officers belonging to the court, who, upon a proper application, had issued its authority to that purpose.

The three examiners now enquired into the cause of this intrusion, when the grave lady, who, it seems, was nearly allied in consanguinity to the defendant, addressed them to the following purport: "Gentlemen, as the honour of my family is deeply concerned in this business, I have, by bribing the maid servant of this lady, found that, notwithstanding her charges against my relation, she was actually with child when she left him, and for that reason, without mentioning my intentions to anyone, I procured a proper citation, and contrived to have her brought before you, that your eyes might be satisfied as to the falsity of the imputations." At this moment the poor victim of examination raised himself up, and, to his utter astonishment, beheld his complaining spouse with every mark of having received ample justice.

Nothing could possible excite more wonder than this accident — Hocus, however, observed that it might be altogether a deception — Pocus was therefore for feeling the reality — and Focus declared that there was nothing like ocular demonstration, especially since the adoption of pads, or comme il fauts. The examination was, therefore, immediately translated from the masculine to the feminine gender, and the plaintiff became defendant in error; but nothing could induce the three examiners from being fully satisfied. She was extended upon the same table, where but a few minutes before lay her husband, and, having gone through a thorough investigation, her case was pronounced to be an "ipso facto issue," proving to the utmost satisfaction of justice, penetration, and all those subsequent effects which the modesty of the laws upon trials for rapes and impotencies so necessarily demands.