The Doll's House

85

He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. A slick, rust-coloured patch of damp stared back at him. He took in its contours, its shadings of colour, and saw in its form a million different things – an island, a cloud, a sailing boat, a unicorn. He was amused at his eccentricity, lying in bed dreaming up nonsense when there was so much to be done, but he made no attempt to stop. It had been so long since he’d allowed himself the luxury of happiness – why not indulge himself?

How dark and unremitting his life had been since Summer left. How had he endured so many years of misery and loneliness? It seemed crazy to think now that he had survived more than a decade without her. He had been ripped apart by her desertion of him and he blushed still at the thought of his younger self cradling Summer in his arms, slapping her face to wake her. He had been unable to speak for a month after it happened, mute with shock at this sudden betrayal. He was surprised to find that, even now, if he really concentrated he could summon the distinctive, acrid smell of the vomit that had coated her that night.

His first thought on realizing she had left him was to kill himself. It was the obvious thing to do and there had been many points since when he’d regretted losing his nerve. He had gone to a DIY store and bought everything he needed, but when it came to the crunch, something held him back. At the time he rationalized this as Summer intervening, pulling him back from the brink. But now he wondered if it was just plain cowardice. He didn’t know whether it was a sign of strength or disloyalty that he was still breathing. Still trying to be happy.

Many were the times since then that he had lain in this bed and imagined himself back there. When he thought of that space – their small attic room with the ill-fitting floorboards and rotting joists – he always pictured himself as being horizontal. Lying on his tummy, spying through the floorboards at the goings on below, or lying on his back with Summer, staring at the ceiling, imagining themselves anywhere but there.

There was so much junk in that small room – left by the previous occupants – and he and Summer had made a little sanctuary for themselves out of the discarded objects. A roll of musty carpet, an old tea chest, an old-fashioned doll’s house, a saggy beanbag – they made a little circle of them and hid in the middle, safe from the world, cocooned in secrecy and love. They had read of fairy circles and lucky charms. They had liked the idea so much they had stolen a well-thumbed book from the library – laughing like idiots as they outran the fat librarian – and then, plucking nonsense fantasy words from it, they had cast spells over their little circle, hoping to render it secure and impregnable.

Once safe, they had turned their attention to the toys within the magic circle. They stole valuable items from Dixons – Gameboys – as well as books, dolls and Top Trumps from other children – but oddly the thing they kept coming back to was the doll’s house. They had inherited it in poor condition. The plastic windowpanes were long gone and there were childish scribblings in biro on the roof that wouldn’t come off however hard they scrubbed. But for all that they loved it, not least because inside were two small figures. One dressed in pink, one dressed in blue.

They adopted one each, naming them appropriately, and began to play with reality, imagining themselves in faraway places, living unfamiliar, glamorous lives. King and queen of all they surveyed. It was an arresting fantasy and they played it every day, until other interests took over. It was their world – their special world – and he still felt a deep pang of shame whenever he pictured the doll’s house’s sad end – smashed into a hundred pieces by his hand. He had destroyed those four walls with venom – his only regret at the time was that he didn’t have any matches to turn it to ash. What a fool he’d been. There was nothing in this mouldering house – above ground at least – which was precious to him. He would have coveted that doll’s house had he still possessed it.

The alarm clock snapped into action, forcing him out of his daydreaming. He hadn’t slept much but oddly had enjoyed the strange half-sleep that often conjured up strange memories. But there was no time to indulge himself. He was due in at work soon and he was determined not to do anything that would attract attention. The police focus was so intense now that he would have to be scrupulous not to arouse suspicion. He must be on time and on the button – just another day at the coalface as far as the wider world were concerned.

However, if he was quick, he could just sneak in a quick visit downstairs. He hated the idea of her being lonely so, dressing quickly, he put a comb through his hair and hurried out of the bedroom. He had a spring in his step, a lightness in his heart – today was going to be a good day.