The Girl Who Played Go

41

At school the next day I imagine there is a glint of pride in my eye. Yesterday’s pain is still there, inside my body, burning me and eating me up-it gives me dignity. I still wear my blue dress just like the others, but I know that I am different now.

After lessons, I make a detour to go and see my sister. She is sitting by the window knitting, and I lie down opposite her on a willow couch.

Her sister-in-law has just announced that she is pregnant, and Moon Pearl bemoans the fact that her belly is still empty. I try to take her mind off this obsession by asking her, “How do you know if you’re in love?”

She wipes her tears and bursts out laughing.

“Well, well, have you found a boy you like? Why are you asking?”

“If you’re not going to answer,” I say, pretending to be put out, “I’ll leave.”

“Are you angry? Don’t you want some cake-it’s honey and acacia-flower?” and she rings for the servant and carries on with her knitting before asking, “What do you want to know?”

I hide my head behind a cushion. “How do you know if you’re in love? What does it feel like?”

“Well, first of all, you completely forget the world around you. Your friends and family just become invisible. All you can do is think about him day and night. When you see him, it’s as if he’s filled your eyes with light; and when you don’t see him, the thought of him eats away at your heart. You wonder where he is and what he’s doing every minute of the day. You invent his whole life, you live it for him: your eyes see for him, your ears hear for him…”

Moon Pearl takes a sip of tea before going on, “In this first stage you don’t know what the other is thinking or feeling. It’s the most poignant part. Then you open your hearts to each other and you have a brief moment of incredible happiness…” She drops what she is doing and gazes out of the window.

“After the sunshine comes the storm,” she goes on. “Suddenly you’re thrown into darkness, you have to feel your way and crawl along carefully as you get older. You’ll see, Little Sister, when you love and are loved by someone, you’ll know the pain of living on a white-hot grill. You won’t be sure of anything anymore.”

My sister’s lips are sore and cracked like arid soil. Hatred glows in her eyes as she struggles to find someone to blame for her unhappiness. But then she says, “You will have a happier fate. You are stronger than I am, you’ll find a way of confronting the pain and appeasing the anger of the gods who are jealous of our love.”

“Well, why do people get married then?”

“Marriage?” she asks with a mocking laugh. “It’s cold and bland, it’s a ceremony that we act out for our parents’ sake. I’ve been reduced to my own shadow. The family I have built around me weighs me down, and some days I wish I was just a piece of furniture with no feelings and nothing to think about; then I’d know how to wait for him, how best to serve him, to make his home and honor his ancestors.”

Moon Pearl gets to her feet, picks a cluster of wisteria flowers and crushes them between her trembling fingers. “I’m going to tell you the truth: I loved my husband. I gave him everything. I was like a silkworm, spewing the best of me from my insides, and now I’m just a barren husk. I know what I have to do now: I’ll give him my life. Let him live and I’ll die!”

I suddenly feel very uncomfortable and I give her the first excuse I can think of to get away. Out on the street I start to run; I need to breathe in this life, the trees, the warmth of my town. I will be able to control my own fate and I will know how to be happy. Happiness is something you lay siege to, it is a battle like a game of go. I will take hold of all the pain and snuff it out.