The Ice Child

UDDEVALLA 1968

From the very beginning she realized that things were not as they should be. It was as if something essential was missing. Laila couldn’t put her finger on it, and she seemed to be the only one who noticed. Time after time she tried to talk to Vladek about her concern, suggesting they should let a doctor examine the little girl. But he refused to listen. Their daughter was so sweet, so calm. There was nothing wrong with her.

Eventually the signs became more obvious. The girl’s face was always so sombre, and Laila kept waiting for the first smile, but it never came. Then even Vladek began to sense that something wasn’t right, but still no one took it seriously. At the child welfare office Laila was told it could be various things, that there was no set template, and each child developed differently. But she was certain that something would always be missing in their daughter.

The girl never cried. Sometimes Laila couldn’t help pinching her, shaking her, anything that might provoke a reaction. When the child was awake, she would lie quietly and stare at the world with an expression so dark that it made Laila flinch. It was a primeval darkness, not only in her eyes but radiating from her whole body.

Becoming a mother was not what she had imagined it would be. The images she had conjured up, the emotions she had thought she would experience when the child lay in her arms – none of them matched reality. She sensed this was because of the child, but she was the girl’s mother. And a mother’s task was to protect her child, no matter what happened.