The Ice Child

FJÄLLBACKA 1983

When she saw the posters announcing that Cirkus Gigantus was coming to Fjällbacka, she instantly made up her mind. Her pulse quickened. It was a sign. The circus had become a part of her. She knew how it smelled and sounded, and she felt as if she knew the people and the animals. They had played the game so many times. She was the circus princess who made the horses obey as the audience applauded and whistled.

She had wanted them to do it together, and they would have if things hadn’t gone so horribly wrong. Now she came to the circus alone.

Vladek’s family welcomed her with open arms, greeting her as his daughter. They said they were planning to visit him, but she explained that he’d died of a heart attack. Nobody thought it was odd. He wasn’t the first person in his family to have a weak heart. She realized that she’d been lucky, but there was a risk that someone in Fjällbacka would start talking about Vladek and reveal what had really happened. For three long days she held her breath until the circus packed everything up and left Fjällbacka. Then she was safe.

She was only fifteen, so they also asked questions about her mother, wanting to know whether she was allowed to leave her mother behind. She bowed her head and even managed to shed a few tears. She said that Laila had died of cancer many years ago. Vladek’s sister-in-law placed a bony hand on her cheek and wiped away the crocodile tears. After that they asked no more questions. They merely showed her where she could sleep and gave her food and clothes. She had never dreamed it would be so easy, but she quickly became one of the family. For them blood was thicker than water.

She waited two weeks before going to Vladek’s brother to say that she wanted to learn to perform. She wanted to be part of the circus and follow in the footsteps of her ancestors. Everyone was overjoyed, just as she had anticipated. She suggested she might help out with the horses. She wanted to be like Paulina, the beautiful young woman who wore a glittery costume for every performance and did tricks on the back of a horse.

She was allowed to start as Paulina’s assistant. She spent every waking hour with the horses as she watched the practice sessions. Paulina loathed her from the first moment they met. But she was not a member of the family, so after a talk with Vladek’s brother, Paulina reluctantly began to train her. And she was a diligent pupil. She understood horses, and they understood her. It took her only a year to learn the basics, and after two years she was just as accomplished as Paulina. Then when the accident occurred, she took over.

No one saw it happen, but one morning Paulina was found dead among the horses. It was assumed that she’d fallen off and hit her head, or maybe one of the horses had kicked her. It was a disaster for the circus. But as luck would have it, she was able to put on one of Paulina’s lovely costumes and carry on with the show as if nothing had happened. After that she was the one who performed Paulina’s tricks every evening.

She spent three years travelling with the circus. Living in a world in which the strange and fantastical converged, no one noticed that she was different. It had been the perfect place for her. But now the circle was complete, and she would soon be back where she’d started. Tomorrow Cirkus Gigantus would arrive in Fjällbacka again, and it was time to tackle something that she’d put off for far too long. She had allowed herself to be someone else, to be a circus princess riding white horses with swaying plumes and glittery bridles. She had been living in a fantasy world, but now she had to return to reality.