The Tao of Sex

Chapter 12

NATHAN SMILED AS SWEET, cold ice cream exploded across his tongue. He rarely got to eat pistachios in Hong Kong, much less pistachio ice cream. He shouldn’t be eating it now given that one scoop of the stuff cost three times a bowl of rice. But this tasted better, and he was enjoying the company—even big, burly brother Joey.

The four of them sat at a table in the Marble Slab next to the movie theaters. The volleyball game had been fun. While Joey had stood with his football teammates and grunted school cheers for his girlfriend, Nathan and Tracy had talked about inconsequential things. She had spoken with pride of her brother’s achievements and told a story of her first experiences with plumbing. He had shared about trying to get any plumbing at all to the temple when the road was a tiny cart track.

And as the conversation continued, his esteem for her deepened. Not only could she talk about her own hardships with humor, but she listened—really listened—to his experiences. She laughed when appropriate, and beneath her smiles, he felt an understanding grow. She knew how hard it was to keep a large, old building functional. She squeezed his hand, saying without words that she knew how the unending list of repairs wore on a person. How bills and aches piled up. But at least he’d had his siblings, his aunt and various students to help him. She’d done it alone, without guidance or support, and for that he admired her to no end.

Now they were eating ice cream before Joey and Mandy left for the late showing of the newest blockbuster. But first, Joey apparently felt he had to give Nathan the third degree just like any good brother would for his only sister. Nathan didn’t mind—much—because every question pointed out yet another reason he and Tracy wouldn’t suit. And after the wonderful time he’d had at the volleyball game, Nathan needed the reminder.

“So,” asked Joey, his shoulders hunching over his food, “how much money can a temple like yours pull in?”

“Very little,” Nathan answered between small, delightful bites of pistachio heaven. “My temple survives at subsistence level.”

Joey raised his head, his brows arching. “But you’ve got a good job, right? To pay for school.”

“No,” Nathan answered smoothly. “My fellowship fell through and I’m looking for something—anything—that will pay my bills.”

Joey twisted enough to give his sister a heavy stare though he kept talking to Nathan. “So no money. What about relatives?”

“They’re none of your business, Joey,” Mandy interrupted. “Jeez, let your sister date whomever she wants.”

“What?” Joey returned, bristling. “They were just questions. I was just asking about his family and stuff.”

Nathan smiled without comment, his gaze traveling back to Tracy. She had also bristled when her brother began his not-so-subtle interrogation, but hadn’t interfered. And though her shoulders stayed tight, her gaze had dropped to her food as she took tiny, tiny bites with excruciating care.

“What’s it like in Hong Kong?” Mandy asked. “I’d give anything to go there. I hear the shopping’s fantastic.”

Nathan nodded. “If you have the money, there is no better place to buy anything.”

“That’s the whole problem, though, isn’t it?” Joey snapped. “No money, no joy.”

“That’s not true!” returned Mandy with a hefty punch to his shoulder. Joey didn’t even wince. “There’s lots of things that don’t cost a thing. The really happy people are just happy no matter what they’re doing.”

Nathan turned to Mandy, his esteem of the young woman rising by several notches. “That was a very enlightened statement,” he said. But in his mind, he calculated the evening’s tab: $13 for volleyball tickets, $20 for specialty ice cream, $14 for movie tickets. Total: $47 U.S. A fortune by his estimation, and they spent it easily as part of a regular Friday night out.

“It’s all about money,” Joey groused as he demolished the last of his waffle cone. “Who’s got it—” He looked at his sister. “And who doesn’t.” He looked pointedly at Nathan.

Then Tracy spoke. She looked at her brother, her eyes warm with love, but still reflecting disappointment. “You are getting really boring, brother dear.”

“And I thought you had better sense than to date—”

“Stop it!” interrupted Mandy with another punch, this one hard enough to make Joey blink. “She’s right. You’re being awful.”

Joey subsided into a mulish silence while Mandy and Tracy applied themselves to their desserts. Nathan spoke softly, but no less clearly. “It is a brother’s honored right to protect his sister. He was doing no more than I would expect from a beautiful woman’s family.” He sighed. “But I’m not Tracy’s boyfriend. We’re just friends.”

All three companions stared at him in various stages of shock. Joey’s expression was easiest to read. He was suspicious, but less hostile. Mandy’s eyes grew misty. “That’s so awesome,” she said to Tracy. “He thinks you’re beautiful.”

“He also said he doesn’t want her,” Joey grumbled. “Which is total bull.”

“Don’t be such a hater,” Mandy returned. The two began to argue in low tones. Nathan ignored them, his attention fully trained on Tracy, who had relaxed back in her seat with a calm expression.

“So now you’ve met my family,” she drawled. “Such as it is. Tell me, does your family squabble like this? Do you take honor in protecting your sister?”

“Yes and yes,” he said slowly, wondering where she intended to go with this.

“So the temple’s like one big happy family? You all sit around the dinner table annoying each other? Drink out of the milk carton or chew with your mouth open or something?”

He started to nod his head, but his words came out very different. “We are a loose collection of souls—some come, some go. All have responsibilities—some gather the food, some cook it, some clean up afterward. Our meals are usually passed in silence as each contemplates her soul’s state. A few have even taken vows of silence.” He looked closely at her. “You will like it there. It is a beautiful place.”

Joey abruptly spun around to stare hard at him. “What? What about the temple?” He turned to his sister. “You’re not going to Hong Kong, are you?”

“Relax, Joey,” Tracy answered smoothly. “I’m just asking about his home.” She said the words, but Nathan heard the hesitation in her voice even if her brother did not. Then she tossed her plastic spoon in her empty ice-cream cup and turned back to Nathan. “What about your natural siblings? You said you have a sister and brother.”

“My mother had three children, I am the eldest. Plus a few cousins who come and go.”

“Very fluid, huh?” That came from Joey, the suspicion back in his voice. “No real family ties.”

Nathan shrugged, not knowing how to answer. “We are what we are. I miss my brother and sister a great deal.” He looked at Tracy and Joey, and thought about a life with just one sibling. It seemed so peaceful and intimate. “You are very fortunate to have a brother who loves you enough to protect you.”

Tracy flashed her brother a quick smile. “He’s annoying, but he’s mine.” She leaned forward. “But who was yours, Nathan? Who protects you?”

He stiffened. “I am the eldest. It is my job to watch out for the others.”

Mandy finished off the last of her shake with a slurp, then she smiled at him. “You really take that traditional stuff seriously. That’s so old-fashioned, but sweet. Kinda heroic.”

He looked at her, unable to form an answer. Joey just rolled his eyes and huffed, “Girls!”

Nathan focused on Tracy only to discover she was watching him with an intensity that made him uncomfortable. Had he revealed something significant? He didn’t think so. But the way she stared at him made him acutely nervous.

“So, no dad, huh?” asked Joey from the side.

Nathan shook his head. “My mother is a tigress and the leader of the temple.”

“Her focus is on attaining immortality, right?” asked Tracy. “She leads the temple, takes partners, and studies for ascension. Right?”

“Yes, that is the role of a tigress.”

“And her children?”

“Our role is to support the temple and its students.”

She nodded. “So your role is to support your mother and her goals.”

He frowned, not liking Tracy’s tone. “It is an honor—”

“And a responsibility,” interrupted Joey. “Yeah, we got that. But where is there room for what you want to do?”

Nathan shifted his gaze between the three of them, wondering how the conversation had turned so drastically. “This is what I want to do,” he said clearly. “Business school, then a good job. Why would I do all this, come to the United States to study if not for that?”

“I don’t know,” Tracy answered slowly. “It’s just obviously so very hard. You’re broke, studying night and day, saving money any way you can to survive.” She shook her head. “There has to be an easier way.”

Nathan shook his head. “I left the temple because I couldn’t stay any longer. And it was time to further my education.”

Tracy straightened, her eyes very clear. “Why couldn’t you stay?”

He swallowed. It was best he told her everything. She needed to understand. “I was kicked out of the temple,” he said bluntly.

“Really,” gasped Mandy. “But why?”

“I fell in love with one of the tigresses. I pursued her with single-minded devotion. I had started out as her teacher but then fell in love.” He shrugged. “But she is a tigress with no interest in such things. She said I interfered with her studies, I made it difficult for her to pursue her religion. It was an easy choice for the Tigress Mother. Nothing can interfere with the pursuit of heaven, so I was asked to leave.”

“I thought you said your mother led the temple.” Mandy’s voice was soft with compassion.

He nodded. “She does.”

Joey leaned forward hard enough to make the table creak. “Kicked out by your own mother? I don’t believe it.”

Nathan shrugged. It didn’t matter if they believed it or not; it was true. But when he focused on Tracy, he read confusion in her eyes. She shifted nervously on her seat, then spoke, her voice coming out low but very clear. “The Hong Kong police think your mother runs a prostitution ring. They think you’re trying to branch out here in Champaign.”

On his left, Mandy gasped in shock, and Joey abruptly straightened. His eyes narrowed and his shoulders rose. But Nathan kept his demeanor cool, his attention completely on Tracy.

“I am impressed that you could learn that so quickly and from half a world away.”

She shrugged. “Gotta love it when those connections pan out.”

“Is it true?” snapped Joey, his grip on his plastic spoon had tightened into a fist.

Nathan sighed. “Prostitution is a thriving industry in Hong Kong. If it were true, I would not be worrying about money or about raising my brother and sister out of poverty. And Illinois is a long, long way to go to branch out one’s business.”

“It’s a long, long way to go just to escape a bad love affair, too,” drawled Tracy.

He didn’t respond. How could he explain that he wanted—needed—to put as much distance between himself and his childhood as possible. It was only because of her—because Tracy was a promising new tigress—that he had any communication with his mother at all.

Mandy was the one, this time, to continue the questions. “So why do they think you’re prostitutes?”

“They’re Tantrics,” Tracy answered softly. “They study sex as a path to…” She shrugged. “To more.” Then she shot her brother a sharp look. “And don’t go there, Joey. It’s not ridiculous. It’s just different.”

Joey pressed his lips together, but it was clearly hard for him to stay silent. Mandy, however, dimpled prettily. “I’ve heard about that. It’s cool—if a little weird.” She turned back to Nathan. “So you and your family study sex but the cops don’t understand so they think you’re selling sex. Except that you’re god-awful poor, and they don’t get it. But you do, so you’re here studying to get a good job so that you can support your mother and her temple. Cool.”

Nathan struggled to follow her rapid-fire English, but then gave up because she’d apparently come to her own conclusion. She was already standing up, tugging Joey along with her.

“Come on. It’s almost time for the movie.” She smiled at Tracy and Nathan together. “Thanks for the ice cream. It was cool meeting you, but we gotta go. See ya!”

Joey blinked, obviously dazed by his girlfriend, but she didn’t give him time to respond. She simply tugged him hard until he had no choice but to move. Within moments, they were out the door. Even before the glass door slipped shut, Tracy burst out laughing.

“Wow, does my brother have his hands full with her!” she said.

Nathan didn’t answer. He was still trying to understand what had happened.

Tracy grabbed and tossed their empty ice-cream cups out. It was apparently time to go, and so he opened the shop door and waited for her to exit.

She went through with a blithe smile, and they walked together to her truck. They were only halfway there when she turned to him with a fierce expression. “I admire what you’re trying to do. I really do. I understand the need to protect and support your family, but you’re going to have to get over it. You know that, don’t you?”

“What?”

“They’ve got to learn how to take care of themselves. The temple needs to be self-sufficient. Your brother and sister have to find their own way. If you pour everything you have into supporting them, then you’ll have nothing left for you. You’ll end up resenting them and frankly, you’re not doing them any favors. It’s good for kids to struggle a bit.”

He stared at her a moment, stunned by her audacity. No Chinese person would ever dare say such a thing to him. But then, Tracy wasn’t Chinese. “You know nothing of my family or my life in Hong Kong,” he said stiffly.

She shrugged. “Maybe not. But I know kids have to be pushed out of the nest eventually. Even you.”

“I am my family’s nest!” he snapped, startled by his sudden fierce anger. “Without me—”

“They’re without you right now, Nathan. How are they doing?”

He swallowed. Awful, truth be told. He had received another couple of e-mails, one from each of his siblings. Their mother was shopping again with money they didn’t have.

“Nathan? How are they doing without you?” Tracy pressed.

He sighed. “Go to the temple and find out for yourself.”

“Ha!” she crowed. “They’re doing fine, aren’t they? They’re working or going to school and so your big martyr routine is nothing of the sort.” She planted her hands on her hips, her eyes piercing even in the darkness. “So why all the way to the United States? Did you really get kicked out of the temple? Did you really fall in love?”

“Yes and yes.” He could see that she didn’t believe him. She had grown up with a loving family. She didn’t understand the emptiness of having people around, but no love. “Why do you push at me, Tracy? You have everything—a brother who adores you, a future as a great tigress. Ask me about life in the temple, ask me about what happens between partners. Those questions I can answer. They are your path, and you should want to know more about it.”

She started walking around more cars, cutting through a lane to get to the right aisle. He followed as fast as he could, but she was angry and moving very fast. “I’ll ask what questions I want, thank you very much.” She stopped abruptly beside a huge SUV and spun back to him. “What’s it going to take to convince you that I’m not a tigress? That I’m not going to your temple, that I won’t leap down whatever mystic path you think is so inevitable for me?” She straightened to her full height. “I choose my own path, Nathan. We all do. And I do not choose to be a tigress.”

He looked at her, hope surging within him despite what logic and reason proclaimed. Was it possible? Could she choose to be an amazing woman, not an amazing goddess? He wanted to believe, but his experience told him differently. “A few minutes ago, did you notice the man in the running pants as he wiped sweat from his brow? Did you see his chest muscles beneath his muscle T-shirt? And what about his legs? Were you watching the way his pants hugged tight to his bottom?”

Her jaw clenched but she ground out the words. “I saw, I noticed, but I don’t have to act on it.”

Nathan sighed. “Not today. But you will. Without training, you will act. You belong at the temple, Tracy. It’s where tigresses go.”

She glared at him; she tried to stare him down, but it didn’t work. Everything in him said she was a tigress and not someone who would ever form a lasting attachment with a man. Never. And so in the end, she curled her hands into fists and shook them impotently at her sides. “You are such a stubborn, arrogant prick! You think you know everything, and you don’t. You just don’t!” And with that she spun around and stomped away.

He was busy watching her shove her fists into her pockets, and she was busy controlling her fury. Neither of them noticed the pothole in the pavement until she had stepped in it, rolling her ankle out from under herself. He saw her hips shift as she lost her balance. With her hands deep in her pockets she couldn’t catch herself, so she fell hard against the corner of her own truck. He saw it happen, was already diving forward to catch her, but he was too late.

The side of her head caught the corner edge of her truck, knocking her in a different direction as she tumbled to the ground. While he was still a step away, she hit the pavement. Her elbow connected first, then she rolled onto her back, then her other side. He saw blood and hair whip past, but mostly he saw her face contorting in surprise and pain. Her teeth were bared and her jaw clenched. She didn’t even cry out.

And then he caught her. Her roll was nearly at an end anyway, but he still tried to cushion her body against his. “Tracy!”

She growled, deep in her throat. Oddly enough, the sound reassured him. She was still conscious.

“Take it easy,” he said. “You hit your head.” Nathan kept one hand braced on her shoulder while the other gently probed into the hair above her forehead. He felt the slick welling of blood as she flinched away.

“Ow! Stop that!” She shoved him away. “I know what happened.” She rolled smoothly into a seated position, then gingerly burrowed her fingers into her hair. The blood was already dripping down her cheek. “Perfect,” she groused. “Just perfect.”

“We should get you to a hospital.”

“Do you know what the E.R. costs?” She flinched as she looked at the blood on her hand. “It’s not that deep. Head wounds always bleed a lot.” She grimaced then wiped the blood off on her shirt before returning to probe her wound. “It’s shallow and long.”

“A hospital could stitch it up,” he said gently.

“Why? To prevent a scar underneath my hair? It hurts but it’s just a cut.” The blood still ran in long streaks down her cheek. It looked awful, but she was right. What he had felt told him the cut was not serious.

“Very well,” he acquiesced. “Give me the keys. I will take you home.”

He helped her stand, feeling the strength in her body despite the blood. As they made it to their feet, she pulled out her keys but wouldn’t give them to him. “What side of the road do they drive on in Hong Kong?” she asked.

He grimaced. “The left.”

“Then I’m driving.” She shook her head when he began to protest. “I can handle a scar under my hairline. A busted truck is something entirely different.”

“But—” he began.

“Get in the car, Nathan. I’m taking you home.”

He pressed his lips together feeling acutely useless. This entire evening had been a huge blow to his masculinity. He hadn’t been able to pay for anything; he hadn’t caught her when she’d fallen, he couldn’t even drive her home. “At least drive to your home. I can walk from there.”

She wadded up the end of her shirt, pulling it high to wipe the blood off her forehead. It smeared across her face in an ugly mess, but no new blood dripped down. They both waited, keeping the dome light on as they watched. After a couple minutes, she gently touched her hairline. “See,” she said, “it’s already stopped.”

He pulled her hand away and gently blew her hair aside. “Yeah, it looks like it’s slowing down.”

With a nod of satisfaction, she started the engine. As she drove, he watched closely for signs of distress and found nothing. Not even his sister would handle a blow to the head with nonchalance, but Tracy didn’t seem fazed.

“Quit staring. I’m fine,” she said.

“I know,” he answered. “I’m just…”

“Surprised? Don’t be. A lack of health insurance makes one a lot more casual about injuries.”

“But—”

“Leave it, Nathan. I’m fine.”

He nodded, still thrown by his uselessness and her competence. She truly was an amazing woman.

She pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building and killed the engine. “Look, I know I’m in for a rough patch, trying to control my inner tigress or whatever. But I’m willing to work at it. I’ll meditate, I’ll read whatever stuff you want me to, but you need to understand that I am in control of my destiny. I already have a plan for my life and it doesn’t include a temple in Hong Kong.”

He nodded slowly, stunned to admit that it was possible. If anyone could deny the call of the tigress, it would be Tracy. She had that much strength of will. With the right training, it was possible. She could choose her path rather than let her inner passions drive her destiny.

“Okay,” he finally said. “You win. I will give you what guidance I can.”

She smiled brightly at him. “I knew you’d come around eventually.”

“I have another book upstairs for you. Do you want to wait while I get it?”

She frowned and wiped at her forehead again. “Actually, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll come up with you and use your bathroom. I feel like a disgusting mess.”

“No,” he answered honestly. “You are beautiful.” Then he got out of the truck and rushed around the side to help her out of the cab. Too late. She was already out and wondering what was taking him so long. He smiled. “More than beautiful,” he murmured. “Much, much more.”