The Tao of Sex

Chapter 20

TRACY WOKE SLOWLY, her body heavy and cold. There was movement beside her—in her—and she opened her eyes.

Nathan. He was sliding sideways, and for a moment, she could still see the glowing beauty of his heavenly soul. He was so beautiful that it brought tears to her eyes. But then she blinked, and when she opened her eyes again, the glow was gone. And yet, he was still wonderful. She didn’t need heavenly vision to know that.

“I love you,” she whispered.

He didn’t answer as he collapsed beside her on the bed with a muffled grunt. She might have smiled at that, except she abruptly realized she was already grinning. “We went to heaven. Together.”

“Lummmmph,” he said, his face buried in the pillow. “Mmm unnn lummmph.”

She had no idea what he was saying, but she felt too heavy to ask. That was the only drawback to coming back to earth: the heaviness, the cold. The loneliness.

She made a Herculean effort and rolled onto her side to press a kiss against Nathan’s face. She wanted to talk. Had he seen what she had? Did he remember the light? The beauty? Instead, totally different words came out.

“I love you,” she repeated.

He rolled onto his side so that he faced her. He looked so relaxed, so happy. “So much love,” he murmured. “For you.”

He reached out to touch her. She thought he might stroke her face, but his gesture was clumsy. He was probably feeling as heavy as she was. His hand fell to her side and he tugged. He was pulling her closer to him.

It was exactly what she wanted, too, so she curled her body into his heat. She closed her eyes only when she could hear the steady thump of his heart. His hand curved about her back, tightening as he drew her even closer.

They slept.

SHE WOKE HOURS LATER to an empty bed but a not-so-empty bedroom. Tracy blinked, working to focus her eyes. Her hand extended to where Nathan had been. Empty. And her eyes focused on a person sitting across from her: the Tigress Mother. The woman sat primly in a chair, her eyes piercing with a cold anger.

“Choose, cub. Heaven or earth?”

Tracy blinked, her vision clearing enough to realize that the sun was high in the sky. It was well into day. Had Nathan left? Was he already flying back to the U.S.? The thought had her pushing upright in bed, fear tightening her chest.

“Choose,” the Tigress Mother repeated. “I will not waste time on a girl who wishes to remain ignorant.”

Tracy closed her eyes a moment and inhaled deeply. She smelled Nathan on her sheets, and she remembered so much—and too little—of what had happened. The memories were beginning to fade, but she still retained the most important part.

“Do you know what I learned in heaven?” she asked as she pushed the covers off.

“What did you learn?” Her tone was sharp as she leaned forward.

Tracy grinned. “That it is possible to have it all—heaven and earth. Together.” Then she climbed out of bed and began to pack.

THE FLIGHT HOME WASN’T nearly as exciting as the flight out. On the way to China, she’d been excited to visit a new country, couldn’t wait to see the tigress temple, and of course Nathan had been her perfect companion. The trip home had only herself, Mr. Ruhleder, her snoring companion in seat 4A and a gnawing question: Why had Nathan left? Without a word, without so much as a kiss goodbye, he had gone on his early morning flight while she had slept in blissful ignorance. By the time she made it back to Champaign, she was either going to kiss him soundly or kick him in the balls. Maybe both.

She landed to bright skies and blustery winds. Just the kind of November day that usually had her outside with her face to the wind while thinking of the hot cider she ought to get but never did. Today, the wind blew her straight to a cab, which she directed to the apartment building.

She pulled out her cell phone and cursed it. Without electricity at the temple, she’d had no way to charge the damn thing, so it was completely useless. She tossed it back into her purse and glared at the scenery. Then—for the zillionth time—she tried to remember her last night with Nathan. She’d said the words. She’d said, “I love you,” at least once, maybe more.

But had he? Had he said he loved her? She didn’t think so. She had felt loved. She had felt a lot of things. But was his kind of love the same thing as her kind of love? Was he really being noble and letting her choose her own path without pressure from him? Or was he just ducking out to avoid an ugly scene? Was he…? Did he…? For eight thousand miles she’d been asking the same questions. And now…

The cab pulled around the corner and had to slow down to a near crawl. She looked out the window and gasped. She counted three squad cars and…Joey? Was that Joey standing in front of the apartment building?

Her stomach dropped. She’d completely forgotten Detective Mike McKay. He couldn’t be arresting Nathan, could he? Oh, crap!

She dug into her purse, grabbing bills—both U.S. and Chinese—to throw at the cabbie. “Get as close as you can,” she said, her heart beating painfully in her throat. “Oh, hell.”

Joey was standing to one side, just watching the action. But there was no action! There were no signs of the policemen, only the black-and-whites and Mike’s blue Buick. She dove out of the cab the moment it stopped and ran straight for her brother. “Joey!”

Her turned around, using his hand to shield his eyes. “Sis? Wow!”

“What’s going on? Why are the cops here?”

“Mike called me. Said he had to make an arrest. Something about a crime ring—”

“It’s not true!” Tracy cried, then turned and headed for the building only to be tackled by her brother.

“Whoa! Sis!” Her face hit the dirt with an umpth! “You can’t go up there. They’re arresting him.”

“Let me go!” She pushed at him, but Joey was linebacker strong.

“You can’t interfere!” her brother said from on top of her. “They’ve got guns. Ow!”

Her squirming had no effect. All 183 pounds of her brother were keeping her flat, no matter how much she kicked. “Joey, you’re crushing me,” Tracy lied. If she couldn’t push him off, maybe she could trick him into releasing her.

It worked! Her brother’s weight immediately eased, but it wasn’t enough to release her legs.

“Damn it, Trace—stay still!” her brother huffed. “This is serious! There’s a drug runner in there!”

“There is not!” she retorted out of reflex. Then she frowned. Drug runner?

Bam! Bam! Bam!

The sound of gunshots electrified Tracy. Joey looked up, which gave her the opportunity to shove for all she was worth. Her brother was thrown off balance and Tracy scrambled out from underneath him. Then she was running, her mind filled with images of Nathan shot and bleeding to death, while Joey bellowed behind her.

“Tracy!”

He wasn’t as fast as she was. She flew up the stairs, her breath lost to gasps and sobs. Nathan couldn’t be dead. Not before she’d had a chance to kick him in the balls. Not before—

Someone tackled her from the side. She landed hard against the wall, and her head bounced painfully. A moment later, she was flat on the second-floor landing while a behemoth sat on her chest. A behemoth who smelled really, really familiar.

She blinked and tried to draw breath. It took forever for her eyes to focus, but when they did she saw exactly what she was looking for: Nathan, whole and healthy. And smiling. It was a slow smile at first, but it grew quickly, spreading from his lips to his eyes, all the way through his entire body. She had no idea how she knew his body was grinning, but it was. Or maybe she was the one suffused with happiness. He was here. They were finally together.

“Nathan,” she breathed.

“You’re here,” he whispered from on top of her. His chest was covering hers; his arms were shielding her face, and most important, his head was tucked so close to hers.

“They can’t arrest you,” she gasped. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Then Mike’s stern voice broke in, rough with irritation. “What the hell are you doing running into a firefight, Tracy?”

Nathan started to lift off her, but Tracy held him tightly. She wasn’t letting him go until she decided what she was going to do with him. “I’m sorry, Detective McKay, but Mr. Gao is innocent. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I’d swear to that in a court of law.” She looked over Nathan’s shoulder at her friend, who was busy holstering his gun.

Mike blinked at her. “Have you hit your head?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine, but Nathan—Mr. Gao—”

“Has been really helpful. I heard something that day we were fixing Mr. Gao’s sink. So, after I cleared Nathan Gao of any illegal activity himself, I asked if we could use his apartment to stake out his neighbor.” He gestured behind himself. Tracy had to lift her head a little higher to see the tenant of 4B—Mr. Loud TV who was always on his phone to his bookie—being led out of his apartment in handcuffs. Mike shook his head. “Easy story—gambling debts, foray into drug running, stupidity all around.” Then he looked back at Tracy. “Didn’t you get my messages?”

“You’re arresting 4B?” she asked, her mind finally catching up to reality. Meanwhile, Nathan hadn’t stopped looking at her.

“You’re here,” he murmured, his eyes sparkling. “You came back.”

“You need to get up now, Tracy,” Mike said. “We’ve got to bring the felon down the stairs.”

It took Tracy a moment to realize she had Nathan in a death grip and that they were lying together in the middle of the stairway landing. It took a moment longer for her to coax her hands into releasing him. Once he was free, he stood up easily, gently bringing her up right beside him. And then he arched one of those too-sexy eyebrows at her before leaning down to brush some of the mud off her crumpled blouse.

“Yeah, yeah,” she said as she batted away his hands. “My brother only tackles people in the mud. And I’m still thinking about kick—”

“Tracy!” Mike interrupted again. “The felon?” He gestured to handcuffed 4B, who glared at everyone. Behind him stood three more cops, all waiting to climb down the stairs.

“Right,” said Tracy as she and Nathan filed down and out of the building. Joey was waiting by the front door. Apparently there had been a cop stationed down there. Tracy had managed to surprise him, flying right past, but Joey had been caught and held.

Then came a long hour of chaos and interruptions. 4B was whisked away immediately, but Tracy still had to give a statement both as a sort-of witness and the owner of the building. That didn’t take long, but answering questions from tenants and neighbors and media—well, that took longer. And how mortifying that was, to stand in a muddy blouse before news cameras. And all the while, she kept one hand gripped firmly on Nathan’s arm. She wasn’t letting go for anything! But at least she’d decided not to kick him on TV.

Then finally, miraculously, it was all done. The tenants were convinced all was safe. Better yet—from their perspective at least—Tracy had decided to delay selling the building. A drug bust on television was too damaging to the price. Joey naturally leaped on that thought, still hoping to take a year off to manage the building. She hadn’t argued—yet—and so he’d immediately disappeared to inspect the damage left by 4B. Apparently, the man had really bad aim. All three bullets had hit his television. He wasn’t dead because even with a weapon, he hadn’t seemed scary enough for the cops to shoot him.

That left Tracy and Nathan alone in his apartment. Nathan was making tea…of course. And Tracy was left just standing there, staring at his gorgeous body and thinking what she would have done if he’d been shot. The pain from merely the idea was unbearable.

To hell with subtlety, she decided. She’d waited too long not to be blunt. “Why’d you leave?” she demanded. “I woke and found your mother in my room.”

She wasn’t sure he could hear her. He was busy pouring hot water into two mugs. But then he walked over and pressed a mug into her hands. “I left because I had to. They couldn’t find me in your room in the morning. It would have…”

“What? What would have happened?”

“It would have been bad for you.”

She felt her hands clench around the steaming mug. But rather than throw it in his face, she carefully set it down. “Might have been bad? Bad was waking up to your mother, not you. Bad was having to fly home alone wondering the whole time. Bad was—”

“Wondering what?”

She blinked, her tirade interrupted. “What?”

“What were you wondering?”

Now she did throw up her hands. “I told you I loved you! I gave up immortality for you! Or at least I thought I did. I…I love you, damn it! And you were gone!”

He swallowed and set his own mug down. She was close enough to feel his heat, and yet he didn’t touch her. He seemed uncertain and apologetic all at the same time.

“Nathan! Talk to me! Or I swear I’m going to kick you in—”

“We went to heaven, and I saw…” His eyes grew hazy. “I understand now. I know why the tigresses search so hard for it. It was…” He shook his head. “It was more than I ever thought or believed.”

She stared at him. “I know. But I gave that up…” She swallowed. “You thought I’d change my mind, didn’t you? After going there with me, you knew what it was like. You knew and thought I’d be like all the rest.” She abruptly made a fist and slammed him hard in the shoulder. “Damn it! Haven’t you figured out by now that I’m not like all the rest? I’m not going to dump you for any place—even a heavenly one. I—umph.”

He was kissing her. He was burying himself in her, and as angry and frustrated as she was, Tracy couldn’t hold him off. She wanted to touch him as much as he seemed to need her. But eventually, she was able to pull back.

“Nathan—”

“I had to go,” he said. “By contract. Stephen made me put it in the contract that I would leave the very next morning.” He shrugged. “I think he wanted to make another play for you with me gone.”

She thought back. Stephen had been there that afternoon, but her decision had already been made. She’d refused to see the man, sent a message that their partnership was off, then got Nathan’s brother to bicycle-cart her to the airport.

“But I didn’t leave right away,” Nathan continued as he pulled something out of his pocket. “I stopped long enough to buy something. Because I thought…I hoped…” He dropped down onto one knee and held up a ring box from an exclusive Hong Kong jeweler.

Tracy stared at it. Then she looked at him, her thoughts whirling.

“I have enough money now,” he said. “To pay for my schooling. For yours. For whatever stockbrokers need to—”

“I don’t care about that,” she whispered. “I don’t care about the money. If I did, I would have stayed with Stephen.”

“Will you marry me, Tracy? I love you. I lied when I said I love all my students. What I feel for you goes way beyond anything I’ve ever done or felt.” His hands were shaking but his eyes were crystal clear and filled with hope. “It’s love like I can’t describe. I want to go to bed with you every night, work my fingers to the bone for our children during the day, and then—”

This time she was the one who cut him off with kisses. She wrapped her arms around him and didn’t give either of them time to breathe. Not for a long, long time. When she finally broke away from him, she whispered, “Yes. Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!” Then she dropped her forehead against his, her heartbeat still skittering inside her chest. “So, wanna take me to heaven for our honeymoon?”

Nathan lifted his head, and the look in his eyes took her breath away. “Anywhere, anytime, anyplace. Tracy, so long as you are by my side, I will go wherever you want.”

She smiled, stunned to realize that she felt as much love now as she ever had in heaven. She was surrounded, infused and steeped in love. And it was all for him and from him. “We’re already there, aren’t we?” she whispered in awe. “We’re already in heaven.”

“Yes,” he answered. Then he kissed her and she realized that it was true. Everything they needed was within them. And what was within them was love.