The Tao of Sex

Chapter 8

TRACY WAS SITTING by his door when he returned from class the next day. Her body still radiated beauty, but her shoulders were slumped with defeat.

He knelt down before her, his sympathy fully engaged. “You could have used your pass key.”

She frowned. “I wouldn’t violate your privacy that way.”

Progress. “Why are you here, Tracy?”

“I went to a bar.”

His breath stopped and his mind reeled. She didn’t look hurt, but anything could have happened. The dangers—

“I thought if you wouldn’t help, then someone else would.”

“Tracy,” he whispered, unable to say more. But a wealth of anguish vibrated through her name. She must have heard it because her gaze jumped to his.

“I couldn’t do it, Nathan. If my vibrator wasn’t doing what I needed, then meaningless sex with a stranger wouldn’t, either.” She shuddered then she looked him straight in the eye. “I want you. I’ve wanted you for months.”

His breath froze in his chest. What had happened to his shy landlord? The one who flirted so sweetly, but never went beyond the initial stages? He knew the answer. He knew and he mourned. “You’re a tigress, Tracy. You want to train, to go to the temple and eventually to walk with divine angels. You don’t actually want me.” He swallowed.

It killed him to say it, but he had to remind himself that it was the truth. She was a tigress. She was destined for bigger things than him. And no matter how much she thought she wanted him right now, he was only one step on the path. Hadn’t he experienced exactly that dozens of times? How many tigresses had sworn they wanted only him? Then once their needs had been met, they’d moved on to the next man. It was what tigresses did. They craved yang power from as many men as possible as often as possible.

As long as he remembered that, then he could teach Tracy and send her to the temple. Sighing, he cupped her elbow. “Come inside.”

She nodded, already straightening. “I want to learn, Nathan. I’ll do whatever it takes.” Then she flashed him a wry smile. “But it’s gotta be fast. There’s another football game in a few hours.”

“Enlightenment doesn’t have a schedule, you know.”

She grinned, and for the first time in a long while, he saw hope sparkle in her eyes. “I have faith in you.”

He didn’t answer. As a teacher, he knew he should remind her that her faith should be placed in herself, but Nathan couldn’t quite say the words. He liked her reliance on him. He wanted to be the one to show her the path to Truth. And so he opened his apartment door to her.

“I read your book,” she said as he locked the door behind her. “I tried the exercises, but…”

He waited, arching an eyebrow when she flushed and ducked her head.

“I’m not very flexible.”

No, she was strong and muscular. The renovations she had done on the building had given her a toned body sculpted for work, not femininity. And yet when he looked at her, her beauty still grabbed him deep in his gut.

“You will learn.” He shucked his jacket, then arranged a set of cushions on the floor. “Please sit. Tell me what you did and how it felt.”

She folded herself awkwardly onto the cushions, obviously self-conscious. “I…uh…I did the breast exercises. It felt…” She shrugged. “Useless. It wasn’t anything like what we did before. You know, in my kitchen.”

He remembered. He’d relived it a thousand times in his fantasies. “You felt nothing?”

“Nada.” She sighed. “I’m not even sure I believe in this stuff.”

He looked at her. Why was she so stubborn?

“I mean, I do,” she said in a rush. “Something sure as hell is wrong with me, but—”

“You are not wrong!” he snapped. “You have awakened as a woman. Why do you fight it?”

She reared back, stunned by his fury. Truthfully, he was a little startled himself. She bit her lip and looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I haven’t even asked how your day was.”

He blinked, completely thrown. “I’m sorry?”

Tracy smiled, the curve of her mouth softening her face. “Let’s itemize our relationship so far, shall we? There was a wonderful couple months of almost conversations in the hallway. Then I accuse you of illegal activity and try to throw you out of my building. Then I come to a class, run out screaming, only to have you follow and give me the most fabulous night of my life.”

“I cannot claim credit for—”

“Don’t interrupt, Mr. Gao. Then I ignore you for over a week only to show up in the middle of the night, try to buy you, and now I’m stalking you.” She leaned forward. “Is this the usual path to enlightenment?”

He smiled. “Nothing with you is usual, Miss Williams.”

“So, answer my question—how was your day?”

He shook his head, wondering where to begin. “My mother is spending too much money again, or so my sister said in her e-mail. I am cold in your Illinois November. And my classes are hard. I understand the material, but my English is not fast enough sometimes. Everything takes longer for me.”

“I can’t even imagine trying to study in a foreign language. I nearly failed Spanish in high school.” She shifted to sit cross-legged. She was not aware of how the simple act of opening her legs like that focused his gaze. “So why do it?” she asked. “Aren’t there schools in Hong Kong?”

He nodded, forcing himself to look back to her face. “This university is one of the best in the world for business. When I am finished, I will have my choice of jobs.”

“You aiming for a big industry career?” There was a note of surprise in her voice, but his eyes were held by the curve of her lips, the shift of her mouth. “Nathan?”

He blinked. “I…uh…I aim for a big career.”

She smiled. She had the most perfectly colored lips—soft rose that deepened to red when she grew excited. “I understand that,” she said. “Big career. Big money. That’s what I want, too.” Then she looked about his apartment, her gaze taking in his poor clothing and sparse furnishings. “I just wouldn’t have guessed you as the power-and-fame type.”

He followed her gaze, seeing no privation. He had the luxury of a whole room to himself with no spying eyes, no critical gazes, no demanding students. “I am happy with very little,” he said honestly. “But the temple requires a great deal of money to support it. And I have siblings who want to do as I do—go to school, advance, have a future beyond temple drudgery. If I do not make good, my whole family could starve.”

She frowned, obviously startled. “You’re exaggerating, right? They’re not actually starving, are they?”

He looked down. How did he explain the realities of the Hong Kong poor? “We live on an outlying island. It took an hour and a half for my sister to ferry then bus to school. She would leave at four in the morning so that she could meet other students at the library and tutor them for money. A few years ago, she gave it up as too difficult, but I know she longs for more. My brother, too. They both want more education, more opportunity but there is no money for it.”

She shifted to her knees, and he saw her breasts bounce. Her nipples were already hard, and they drew his gaze. “What about your parents?”

“My mother and her sister run the tigress temple. Like all tigresses, their hearts and minds are devoted to ascension to the immortal realm. They take in students for money, but there are many mouths to feed.”

“How many?”

He shrugged as he settled down beside her. A teacher should not sit this close to the student, but he couldn’t resist. He wanted to be near her. “Twenty students live with us, plus my brother and sister. My aunt.”

“And your father?”

Nathan leaned closer, letting the sweetness of her scent add spice to his thoughts. “I function as father. I am the eldest male. It is my responsibility to see that all are cared for.”

She frowned. “But that’s a couple dozen people. Surely they can work. They can do something.”

He tilted his head, wondering at her surprise. “I am the eldest male,” he answered simply.

And when she still didn’t seem to follow, he pushed to his feet. This closeness to her interfered with his thoughts. He wasn’t thinking before speaking. And now he was trying to explain the realities of a Chinese family to an American woman. She couldn’t possibly understand, and yet he still continued. “It’s a temple. We have a garden for vegetables and some farm animals, but no money for repairs, for texts, for all the things that a large group of people need.”

“That’s a lot of maintenance,” she said. “How old is the building?”

“Three buildings. The temple has stood for more than a hundred years.”

She released a whistle, low in her throat. It was not a sexual sound, and yet his dragon responded as if it were a siren call. “Like I said, a lot of maintenance.” She shook her head. “But you’re only one person. You can’t possibly support them all.”

He shrugged. “I am the eldest male.”

“Yeah, I got that. Isn’t that a little sexist? I mean, to take that all on yourself because—”

“Don’t you care for your brother? Did you hesitate when your parents died?”

She leaned back. “Of course, I took care of him. He’s all I’ve got. But he’s just one person, and we’re barely scraping by. If it weren’t for the insurance money, we’d have lost everything. I still worry that social services is going to show up and take him away.”

He looked at her, guessing at the strength required to keep both her and Joey together. “You must have been very young. Barely eighteen.”

She shrugged. “It didn’t matter. He was my family. I’d do anything for him.”

He remained silent, wondering if she would see that he did nothing more than she did. He was holding his family together. Even from a continent apart, he would see that they survived.

It took her a moment, but in the end, her eyes widened in shock. “You can’t seriously expect to support two dozen people.”

“I can, and I will.” He straightened, showing her a dragon’s determination in every line of his body. “But I must get my education. That is why the temple goes even longer without electricity.”

She studied him, but he could not read her face. Did she understand what he was trying to do? Could she comprehend the drive to succeed—not for himself, but for all who depended on him?

She pushed to her feet. Her motions were smooth and infinitely feminine. Then she touched him—a gentle hand laid on his shoulders. He felt the warmth of her body all the way through to his soul. “I had no idea,” she whispered. “I can’t even imagine. The pressure must be incredible.”

He shook his head. “I have borne the responsibility since my earliest days.”

“I can see that,” she said softly, admiration in her tone. “But isn’t it hard? I mean, desperately, horribly hard? Don’t you long for something more, something beyond the everyday drudgery?”

He should step away from her. The feel of her hand was drugging him. It brought out fantasies that leeched all the blood from his brain. But he could not force himself to break the connection. Instead, he wrapped his hand around hers and brought it to his lips. “It is my dream to support my family,” he said. He wanted to kiss her, but that was one of the most cardinal rules between teacher and student: no kisses, no touching except to demonstrate. And no sexual relations whatsoever.

“Nathan…” she murmured. Her face was flushed, her breath coming in short, quick pants. Her inner tigress was riding her hard. He had to stop this.

He dropped his forehead against hers, allowing himself the connection while keeping his distance from her lips. “What is your dream?” he asked. “What do you yearn for?”

She shuddered. He guessed that the tigress inside her fought the restraint of simple conversation. But she was not a woman to give in to simple lust. “See, that’s the thing, Nathan. Everybody else has dreams, but I…I just want money. We’ve got the basics, but a cushion would make me breathe so much easier.”

Her scent pervaded his mind. It rose from her skin and fogged his senses. “But there are many ways to make money,” he said. “How will you—”

“Stockbroker,” she answered, the word rushed out and breathless. “It’s all about hard work with them. The harder they work, the more they get. And I plan to work very, very hard.”

He had no doubt about that. How sad that her dream and her fortune would never come about. Whether she understood it or not, the tigress in her would override her mundane desires. In time, the quest for immortality would become paramount. She would leave everything she knew to train at the temple. It wasn’t what she wanted. It certainly wasn’t what Nathan wanted for her. But he had seen it happen too many times. Spirit would choose. Her mind and body would have no choice but to follow.

“What about you?” she asked, her voice a low rasp that further fogged his mind. He knew that a relationship between them was doomed to disaster, and yet she called to him on so many levels. Her body was the least of her lures. She was focused on the same things he was: supporting a family and trying to create a better life for them. And she was kind, trying to talk to him as a person and not as a tool. Those two things alone were so rare in his life. He could not think of another soul—save maybe his sister—who acted in such a way.

“Nathan?” she pressed, clearly wondering about his silence. “I’m sorry. Have I come at a bad time? You’re probably really busy—”

“And if I am?” he pressed, wondering exactly how generous she was. “Would you leave me alone now? What about the football game tonight?”

Tracy bit her lip, her anxiety obvious. “I won’t go. I’ll lock myself in my room and study the book you gave me.”

“It won’t be enough,” he said. “You need a teacher.”

She licked her lips, and his dragon reared. “I won’t be ruled by this.” She lifted up enough to look him in the eye. “I want to be a woman, I want to explore my sexuality, but I won’t let it control me.”

She meant it. But she had no idea how strong the desire could grow. “Most tigresses aren’t so interested in controlling themselves as much as controlling other people. Other men.”

She pulled back, obviously repulsed by the concept. “I don’t think I like your tigresses very much.”

He shrugged. “A tigress is pursued by all men. It is important that she learn how to protect herself.”

“That’s not a very good excuse. Control comes from within. And only over ourselves.”

He smiled, his heart and his body fully caught now. “You might very well be the salvation of our temple.”

She released a self-conscious laugh. “I just want to be able to go to a football game without losing my mind.”

“Then we should begin,” he said. He didn’t really mean it. He just wanted to touch her. Unable to stop himself, he stroked the soft skin of her cheek. She closed her eyes, lifting her face to his touch.

“Is this what you did at the temple?” she asked. “Did you teach a lot of girls?”

“No,” he said, his face already dropping closer. His mouth was almost on hers. “I used to teach, but then my talents were needed elsewhere.”

She shifted her head so that his fingers brushed across her lips. “Doing what?”

“The accounts. I cashed the checks for classes and paid the bills. I decided on the repairs and on the luxuries.”

“You made things run smoothly,” she said. “How old were you when you started doing that?”

“From the moment I could read,” he answered.

She stopped rubbing her lips across his finger. “Wow. I started at eighteen, and it sucked then. You must have been a baby. I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you.”

She understood. Nathan could see it in her eyes, and it made his breath catch in his throat. She understood more than his own mother what he had done as a boy, and how hard he’d worked to bring order to a very chaotic world.

“Do you miss it?” she continued. “Do you long to go back to Hong Kong?”

“No. I miss my brother and sister. I will make sure that they have everything they want. But no, I will never go back to that life.”

Her eyes widened in surprise. “Never? Was it so very bad?”

He shook his head, refusing to elaborate. How could he explain a house of two dozen beautiful, sexual women intent on seducing him while completely ignoring the mundane realities of life? Not a one understood bills or plumbing or even the basics of preparing a meal because their minds were completely absorbed with their sexuality. And his mother was the worst of the lot. As a child, he’d had to learn quickly about fixing his own food or starve.

There were a few who had helped. Tigress cubs too early in their training to have tasted the glories of heaven, too new to have lost all earthly focus yet. They helped him when they could, guided him as a mother or a lover.

But then came that first touch of divinity, that first moment of true ecstasy and all was forgotten—their promises to him, their whispered love, even simple kindnesses were lost in the search for heaven.

That was what it meant to be a tigress, and he would not subject himself to it anymore. In fact, his whole focus was to earn enough money so that his brother and sister could escape, as well. Falling in love with yet another tigress cub was not in the realm of possibility for him. He could not do it. He would not.

And yet, Tracy did not act like any tigress he knew. Tracy had not lost herself in the quest for immortality yet. And Tracy understood him as no one else had ever bothered to try. He knew eventually the spirit would take her. She would taste ecstasy and he would be abandoned once again. Nathan knew, but he couldn’t stop himself.

He kissed her. He claimed her mouth the way a dragon would claim a woman. He took her; he ate her alive, and he relished every second of her surrender.