Time of Death

31

Ren woke up, momentarily confused by the rumpled bed beside hers. She got dressed in jeans that hung from her hips, a gray sweater and pink socks and went downstairs. As she reached the hallway, she could hear Billy opening the refrigerator, then opening and shutting cupboards.

‘Unless you’re planning to bake a cake, I’d venture you’ll come up empty in this kitchen,’ said Ren.

‘But you cook,’ said Billy, turning around.

‘Not when (a) I’m too busy and (b) I’m falling apart. My appetite is gone.’

‘If I get supplies, will you eat something?’ said Billy. ‘Pancakes?’

‘Ooh. I don’t think I’ve ever said no to pancakes.’

‘OK.’ He went to walk past her.

‘Can I have a hug?’ said Ren.

He stopped. ‘Sure you can.’ He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tight.

‘Thanks,’ said Ren, stepping back. She sat against the kitchen table. ‘Oh, Billy. I feel paralyzed by all this.’

‘Don’t worry. It will all work out.’

‘God, I really want it to. I want to be fast-forwarded to a time when this is all over. But you know when you try to fast-forward a DVD, only you hit the next episode button instead and suddenly you’re past the end and the screen is black…And there’s no more story?’

‘And then you hit the menu button and the little circle that says it’s not allowed. Or you end up in the extras, finding out more of the plot than you need to before you’ve seen it and then-’

Ren’s eyes narrowed.

‘Hey, I love how you explain things to me using everyday technological devices,’ said Billy.

‘Do I do that a lot?’

He nodded. ‘But don’t stop. Remember you described your reaction to something as “like the noise that Skype makes when it opens”? I loved that.’ He caught her expression. ‘OK, back to the DVD. Can you see the theme in all this?’

‘Yes,’ said Ren, eventually. ‘A loss of control. Being at the mercy of something else.’

Billy nodded.

‘But that’s just who I am,’ said Ren.

‘Which is fine. But…workable on…’

Ren said nothing.

‘I mean this in the nicest possible way, Ren, but you’re a little spoilt with the control thing. You have that power automatically with your job. And, let’s face it, you call the shots in relationships a lot.’

‘That sounds terrible.’

‘I don’t mean it to.’

‘And it’s not true.’

Billy paused. ‘OK…’

‘I don’t like that. I don’t want to be that way. Anyway, we’re getting sidetracked. None of this is about relationships. Someone is trying to fuck me up. And I’m here having distracting conversations with you. I am a pro at that, Billy. I am all-singing, all-dancing, all-dying inside. And I am close to losing my mind.’

‘You’re not going to lose your mind, Ren.’

‘Do you know something?’ she said. ‘Mazes freak me out. They always have. There was a maze near my home when I was a kid and in summer, lots of the other kids had their birthday parties at the park where it was at. And I would play sick. Every time. I would even play sick in the middle of the parties. Well, after the cake, at least…’

Billy smiled.

‘Mazes terrify me,’ said Ren. ‘And however many years on, they still do. And right now, I feel like I’m in one. Dropped right into the middle. Everywhere I turn, I’m hitting a wall and the walls are moving towards me and the ground is shifting under me and the sky is slowly coming down and the oxygen is being sucked out of the air.’

‘Well, you’re safe here. It’s a big house, but it’s fairly easy to navigate.’

Ren looked at him. ‘Can I ask you a question?’

‘Don’t tell me — you want me to pick you up a compass at the store.’

‘Nope,’ said Ren. ‘I would like to know…why did you sleep in the other bed last night? I’m not saying I wanted anything to happen…’

He smiled. ‘I wasn’t going to take advantage of a woman in distress.’

‘Aw.’

‘But also…I’m seeing someone.’

Something sank inside Ren. Nooooo. ‘Oh. Wow. Since when?’

‘Not long. Just two, three months. I’m not sure if it’s going anywhere, but she’s a very nice lady and I wouldn’t want to hurt her like that. Or you. Or me, for that matter.’

‘Well, she’s a very lucky lady.’

Is she prettier/thinner/funnier/taller/smarter/sexier/more emotionally stable than me? Does she have better skin/hair/teeth/clothes/shoes/body? ‘What’s her name?’

‘Edith.’

Oh. Dear. ‘That’s…’

‘Beyond your powers of laughter suppression clearly.’ Billy smiled.

‘You have to admit, it’s a bummer of a name.’ Ren paused. ‘Like I can talk.’

‘Well, she doesn’t look like an Edith.’

Which means she is prettier/thinner/funnier/taller/smarter/sexier/more emotionally stable than me with better skin/hair/teeth/clothes/shoes and body.

Billy went to the store, came back and made breakfast. Ren managed to eat. They sat, talking, in the living room.

‘Hey, look at you,’ said Billy, pointing to the Bryce family photo. He walked over. ‘What a cutie.’

‘Mom made that suit, before you ask.’

‘Who’s this dude?’ said Billy, smiling back at her.

Ren leaned over to see where he was pointing. ‘That would be my eldest brother, Jay.’

‘You’ve never mentioned him. So tell me — did he run away and join the circus in those pants and you’ve never seen him again?’

Ren laughed.

Billy sat down beside her. Ren slid back into the corner of the sofa and turned to face him. ‘Jay and I…don’t really get along.’

‘Ah,’ said Billy. ‘Why?’

‘Well, he broke my cardinal rule. He betrayed my confidence a few times too many. And I…don’t trust him. We just clash. Much like our outfits in that picture. I never realized that. There it is, preserved in a photo — Jay and I clashed from very early on.’

‘Go on,’ said Billy.

‘OK, this sounds petty, but it sums him up…when he was fifteen, he started drinking, just a little, because our parents were so strict. But then he was like all his friends and he’d go out and get wasted every weekend. He drafted me in to lie for him, hide empty bottles, distract my parents when he was climbing in or out his window. I defended him if they asked too many questions. I hated it. I’m a bad liar and I used to be so stressed out because of it. Like, physically sick with worry. Then, when I was sixteen, I went to my friend’s house and we had two beers from her parents’ liquor cabinet. Two beers. On the way back to my house, I met Jay. The following day, I had to sit in my living room with my parents, my best friend and her parents to listen to this lecture on the dangers of alcohol and the disappointment they all felt in knowing that their daughters had been stealing. I found out later from Matt that Jay had gone to my parents and said “I think Ren has been drinking.” Can you believe that?’

‘That’s pretty shitty. But it can’t have been the only reason you’re not close.’

‘It just shows the type of person he was,’ said Ren. ‘And still is. He over-rides everyone. He decides what is right. So if you tell him not to tell someone something, he will say “sure” and then you’ll find out he has told them, because he believes they should know. I tell him almost nothing any more.’

‘That’s a shame.’

‘I know. I’ve tried to reach out. He’s…he’s just in his own world.’

‘Right.’

‘I just think you have to accept what’s important to other people and respect it, whether you understand it or not. Trust and confidence are important to me, so Jay should respect that. Even if I tell him something and he is thinking “Wow, why would Ren not want to tell X about her promotion in work?” He should just know by me telling him to keep something quiet, that I have a reason for that. And it’s a reason I don’t have to tell anyone if I don’t want to.’

‘Do you two talk much?’

‘We talk when people die.’

‘Any people?’

Ren smiled. ‘I know it sounds terrible, but even when Jay asks me how I am, it just seems weighted with…I don’t know…judgment.’ She shrugged.

Billy said nothing.

‘Maybe he needs to get to know you a little better,’ he said.

‘But if he did, he’d walk away thinking he knew more about me than I did. I swear to God.’

‘Aren’t you being a little hard on him?’

‘Aren’t you being a little annoyingly on-his-side about him? I don’t want to talk about Jay any more, because I don’t want to get mad at you.’

‘OK. I’m just trying to show you his side.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t have brothers and sisters, so I guess-’

‘You romanticize them. I love Jay dearly. I wish we got along, I wish it more than you do.’

‘OK.’

‘He’s teetotal too.’

Billy laughed loud. ‘And so we come to the real problem. He makes you feel bad for drinking.’

‘Very funny.’ Ren let out a breath. ‘His last hurrah was at Beau’s funeral. In spectacular fashion. Enough to make him never want to drink again.’ She paused. ‘I’m surprised anyone who witnessed it ever wanted to drink again.’

‘Ooh,’ said Billy.

‘I have to say — I can’t blame him. Beau’s funeral was so weird.’

‘How?’

‘It kind of drew some people to it and repelled others. And there was this strange sense of shame hanging over the whole thing. I remember sitting in the church and wanting to get up on the altar and just shout at everyone, “What is wrong with you all? This is not shameful. It’s tragic, it’s devastating, it should not be how anyone’s life ends, but it’s a fact. And Beau is not the only depressed person in the world and there are probably people sitting here today who have thought about committing suicide. Yup, he committed suicide. Everyone — after me — Beau committed suicide. You can say it. No one’s going to die.”’

Ren glanced at Billy. ‘You know what I mean. And the worst part was the people who didn’t show. I mean, sure, they may have seen this big black sinful cloud hanging over our family, but what happened to compassion and kindness? These were some of the people that Mom had been so good to. Or Jay had mowed their lawn or Beau had taught their grandchildren…’

Ren sat in silence. Her mind wandered to another funeral — Douglas Hammond’s — and the shame-free sorrow that everyone was free to feel because his death wasn’t ‘at his own hand’. People had no problem showing up at that funeral.

Ren paused.

But still, why was Lucinda Kerr there? Lucinda Kerr who had been married to Peter Everett who had been dating Helen Wheeler who had been murdered and whose files had been due to go to Douglas Hammond who was murdered and whose wife had been murdered almost thirty years previously.

WTF?