Time of Death

36

Billy arrived at Annie’s that evening wondering what it was that could be so urgent — again. Ren slumped down on the sofa. ‘Billy…’

‘What happened?’ he said, sitting beside her.

‘Oh, Billy,’ said Ren. ‘You put the file back in the wrong place.’

‘What?’

‘You put the Hammond file behind the “H-O” file.’

He put his head in his hands. Then he looked back up. ‘Are you sure?’

‘I got an email from Janine Hooks. She’s reopening the case.’

‘Is that not a good thing?’

‘No,’ said Ren. ‘Not on any level.’

‘Shit. I’m…so sorry. That is not the kind of mistake I make. Are you screwed?’

‘I don’t know. But what a fucking mess. There’s no telling what she’s going to do.’

‘Will she talk to Gary Dettling?’ said Billy.

‘She better not,’ said Ren.

‘Thank you for not blaming me,’ said Billy, taking her hand.

Oh, I am. I am blaming you. But it was an accident. So I can’t say it out loud. Or maybe I will. Don’t do it. I can’t help it…

‘You have no idea what you’ve done,’ said Ren. The volume was rising. ‘My whole career-’

Billy let go of her hand. ‘I’ve heard the “my whole career” line before.’

Ren looked up. ‘Well, thanks for ignoring that and screwing up anyway.’ Her eyes were lit with anger.

‘It was because of that line,’ said Billy, ‘that I helped you out. I’m not expecting a thank you here.’ He stood up. ‘All I wanted to do was to protect the “whole career” you love. And protect the person who loves it.’

‘Sit down,’ said Ren. ‘Please. I’m sorry.’

He sat down. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know you are. I know. I just…I’m scared.’

‘I feel that my very existence jeopardizes your job,’ said Billy.

‘My job is not your responsibility,’ said Ren. Her tone was gentle.

‘I guess I felt it was my responsibility before…when we got together-’

‘Even then, it wasn’t…I could definitely hold your ass responsible for that, though.’

‘We went through a lot,’ said Billy ‘You did. You fought hard. So I’m not going to let anyone take that away from you. If I have to take the rap, I will.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Ren. She hung her head. ‘Billy, what am I going to do with you?’

‘Not be mad at me.’

‘Jesus, how could I be mad?’ said Ren. ‘I mean, taking the file for me was amazing. The putting it back part — not so much. Your fuck-up could be the biggest fuck-up I’ve ever made. But it all started with me. So, it’ll all end with me.’

‘No one will find out,’ said Billy. ‘And if they do, no one will find me. Do you have any idea how long you motherfuckers were tracking me back in the day — until you caught up with me?’

Ren laughed.

Billy stood up in front of her and held her head between his hands. He kissed her on the top of the head three times: ‘Do. Not. Worry.’

Ren stood up and hugged him tight. ‘You crazy, crazy bitch.’

‘The world is not closing in on you,’ said Billy. ‘Look at it like this — there’s a way out of every maze-’

‘Noo,’ said Ren. ‘Not mazes. Do not speak of them.’

‘Listen to me. Mazes are usually made of hedges, right? So what you’re afraid of is some pruned shrubbery. Which doesn’t sound too scary, right? In fact, it sounds a little harmless…and, if you have the right chainsaw, you can rip right through it.’

‘Yes…’

‘What was the only thing that would have stopped you ripping through that hedge when you were a kid, if you needed to?’

‘I left my chainsaw back in my Wendy house?’

‘Convention is what stopped you,’ said Billy. ‘Manners, society expectations, fear of letting down your parents or drawing negative attention to yourself or ruining someone’s birthday party…’

Ren smiled. ‘Ah.’

‘Yes,’ said Billy. ‘There is a way out — you just need to break a few rules.’

‘I’m an obeyer of rules…mainly.’

‘Well, I’m just glad you broke a few last year,’ said Billy. ‘And remember: if there’s something strange…in your neighborhood…who you gonna call?’

Ren laughed. Billy hugged her again and left.

Annie’s phone rang. Ren stared at it. I’m tired. I’m busy. I’m rushing. I’m under pressure. I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept…She felt exhausted even thinking of the effort it took to always be on, to have a few words to throw out to distract someone from guessing that always, there was some other crap going on under the surface. She wondered if she would ever turn to someone else and say, ‘I feel very vulnerable right now. I need to be alone.’

She picked up.

‘Jay told me that you phoned Ricky Parry,’ said her mother.

You have to be kidding me. What is wrong with him?

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘God, Mom, I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t know what his reaction would be. I wanted to talk to him, I have — or thought I had — some connection with him. As it transpired, I was wrong. But I wanted to give it a shot.’

‘Well, you should have told me, Ren. Your father and I live here, for God’s sake. What kind of fool would I have looked if we had run into him on the street and he had mentioned it? Or someone else had?’

‘I’m sorry, Mom. I did what I thought was right.’

‘I know, sweetheart, but…I don’t like to be kept in the dark. You don’t have to protect me.’

‘I’m sorry. I can’t help it.’

‘And how come I didn’t hear about this cowboy boyfriend you had?’

Boyfriend…the fling with the extreme rider at the Western Stock Show. You have to be kidding me.

‘What?’ said Ren. ‘He wasn’t a boyfriend.’

‘Well, what was he then?’

Hmm. ‘We went on a few…dates.’

‘Why wouldn’t you even tell me that the man exists?’

To limit my official numbers. ‘Well, maybe because I didn’t think he was special enough to meet my mommy.’

‘If you felt he wasn’t important enough to mention him to your father and I, then why would you want to date him?’

Sweet Jesus. ‘Because not everyone I meet is someone who I will walk up the aisle with. Let’s face it. Mom, I’m incredibly busy right now. This conversation is not helpful.’

Ren could sense one of her mother’s weighty pauses.

‘I just wonder…’

Here it comes.

‘…have you been trying to replace Beau in your life?’

Beau? What? ‘Well, please stop wondering,’ said Ren. ‘About anything. Ever. And stop watching daytime psych shows. You blend the advice from hundreds of different topics.’

‘Hundreds? I don’t watch hundreds.’

‘And I don’t try to find guys who remind me of my dead brother,’ said Ren. ‘That’s just creepsville.’

‘It’s not “creepsville”. I’m talking about there being a hole in your life ever since Beau died. I explained myself badly — it’s not Beau you’re trying to replace — I meant that maybe you are trying to fill the void that he left.’

‘Well, that sounds a bit more normal,’ said Ren. ‘But you’re still wrong. I’m fine. I’m not looking for any man.’ A historic moment.

‘Are you…sleeping with men?’

‘Oh my God,’ said Ren.

‘I read that people like you sleep with men.’

‘Women, you mean?’

‘I meant people with your…condition.’

‘Mom? I’ve got to go,’ said Ren, ‘a comfortable conversation has just come up somewhere.’

‘Well, just remember that a lot of men just want to sleep with you and once they get what they want, they’ll leave.’

And hopefully not let the door hit them on the way out.

Ren sat at Annie’s giant mahogany dining-room table with the stolen contents of Trudie Hammond’s file. She wondered how she could get Janine Hooks’…hooks out of her.

Did she re-open the case to spite me? Or to alert me to the fact that she knew I had stolen the file? Or because Hooks, too, felt that there was a link between the two deaths? Are we going to end up racing each other to a finish line on this?

Ren looked down at the pages and photos she had spread in front of her on the table.

Somewhere in here, there will be something that I will find without having to speak to a single person who was involved in the previous investigation. Because Janine Hooks will kill me. And dump me in a river for effect.

Three letters floated around Ren’s head: OPR: the FBI’s Office of Professional Responsibility. The people whose heads would spin if they knew about breaking and entering without a warrant…carried out by a confidential informant who an FBI agent had a prior relationship with when he was a suspect in the murder of another FBI agent whose death she was investigating.

Ren let out a breath. Their heads would spin. My head would roll.