Whores for Gloria

16. Peggy and Classic

When he met old Peggy ten nights later on the corner of Ellis and Jones, his SSI check cashed by kindly Pearl, he could tell just by looking at her that she was a shooter, though whether she shot coke or smack he couldn't say, nor was it really his business out here among the dark dirty old buildings that must have been nice once before he was born. — Jimmy was glowing with power. He was Homo erectus. Tonight he said to himself tonight I'm gonna GET Gloria I'm gonna have her once and for all because I've heard so many stories that I'm almost there and one more batch will get me there kissing her fingers like cloud-fingers rolling over the Tenderloin at sunset and I'll love her because no matter what that bitch at the Coral Sea said Gloria is and will be my wife. My wife! I can taste her all around me so I know she's in me I'm in her and we'll be together soon as that old whore starts talking she looks like a talker and I have money so what more can I say what more do I need?

Peggy was combing her stringy greasy hair and talking to a younger prettier whore whom Jimmy knew as Classic whatever her real name was (Jimmy believed that whores were like other actresses and deserved to have the glamor of their stage names respected), and Classic wore a button saying PRICE IS THE ONLY DIFFERENCE and now Peggy was sitting like a grinning frog on the hood of the Lincoln that Jimmy and Code Six liked (so someone had moved it from Larkin Street; so someone owned it and might even care about it; imagine that), and her T-shirt was hiked up to show her fat smooth thighs, and her face was dirty with the rupture of so many little veins, and she was leaning back on her blotchy arms to make her breasts stick out, and her long black hair streamed down her shoulders. Peggy always combed her hair. She couldn't help the way that her face looked anymore but the least she could do for her self-respect was to keep her hair nice. She was also proud of her white white teeth which matched the whites of her eyes as she sat beaming at the traffic with crossed legs and looking so carefree as if she had time and time but of course when men rented her her meter began running; that was how she survived. — When Jimmy wandered up to them and said how ya doin' girls sure is a lovely night with you in it even if it is foggy and chilly and windy! it was Classic who turned to face him with the calm assumption that he must want her because she was the pretty one; as for Peggy, being as Jimmy had already noted a shooter and therefore so sad and weak-worn and grimy in face and form and fingernails, she was so used to being passed over that she didn't even bother to glance at him but Jimmy just stepped closer and closer to Peggy until his shadow fell across her face and then she looked up and when she breathed the skin contracted in her skinny throat and the corners of her mouth twitched and Jimmy grinned and then Peggy understood at last that he was interested. Classic had already hopped into a man's car. As she rode away, Jimmy saw her smiling at the driver and her lips were moving very fast and she was brushing her hair around her face to make the moment even more romantic, but she kept one hand on the door handle.

You know a safe place? said Jimmy.

This alley's pretty good, Peggy said. The only thing I ever touch though is a rubber. I don't give no head without a rubber. I don't fuck without a rubber. I had a guy offer five hundred dollars for a date and I told him sorry that doesn't cover my health.

I'll just stick it in you real quick, said Jimmy, and afterward you can tell me stories.

OK but you gotta give me the money first. Don't worry; I'm honest.

If you're not I'll just blow my brains out, laughed Jimmy.

Oh don't do that, said Peggy, bored. Too many people ahead of you. You gotta stand in line to do that.

Jimmy put his arm around her and she suffered that and they went into the alley and Jimmy thought she was going to take him between two cars but they walked around the corner and there were three pimps or dealers sitting on the steps by the garbage can and Peggy said to them would you mind taking a little walk while I do my business? When they left, Peggy pulled her dress up above her waist and knelt down in the filth of the street and stuck her ass out with her cunt bulging down beneath it as if only its matted and sticky hair kept it from bursting out from between her legs; that stinking bush of hers really resembled a black spider lurking there and clinging there, and Peggy's legs were covered with dark ovals and boils and there were scabby bumps on them as satisfying to the touch as the pleasure-dots on a french tickler, the sorii on a fern-leaf, and Peggy raised her ass high and dry to make it easy for Jimmy to get into her cunt and she buried her face in her crossed arms on the highest step. A Vietnamese boy watched out the window.

Jimmy said to himself Gloria must be with her somewhere although I don't see her; I just have to keep looking for her oh Gloria Gloria.

When he was done Peggy wiped herself and said are you married?

Yes, said Jimmy.

A lot of men are married, Peggy said, letting her dress fall back down her legs. They just need a little satisfaction. So I can honestly say that I've brought some marriages together.

Jimmy said well honey tell me some happy stories.

Peggy said I don't know any.

Fine Jimmy said then I want you to tell me stories about things that happened to you and things you expect to happen to you in the future.

OK, said Peggy. But I don't want no one to see me just talking like this. They'll think I'm a snitch.

Well then keep your eyes about you, Jimmy said. And move over just a little because there's another lady here although you can't see her and she wants to sit down, too.

Whatever, said Peggy.

Get to it.

I came to the city before college, said Peggy, did two years of college, got a real good job, job went bankrupt day before Christmas. As you know, I'm a white girl in the Tenderloin, so there ain't no cause for me to be broke. So I came up here on the hill and made real good money on my first day. I worked all day without pulling my pants down, so that was OK, 'cause I was pretty nervous, wondering if they was on the up and up. It was mosdy blow jobs. I always made sure I was in the front seat, where I could have my hand on the handle and jump out if I needed to.

One time I was standing on Geary and Jones and I don't usually date black men but it was pretty hot out policewise and so I made an exception. Black guy drives up in a nice car, looks pretty proper, he's got a briefcase in the back seat. That's what we check for — what kinda business he might be in. And another thing I don't like is anybody taking me past Market Street. That's too far out of the territory. I allowed him to do that. He took me to this empty truck stop and he kept fondling my hair; he kept saying he had a fetish for my hair. Asked me to put my hair in a ponytail. So I put my hair in a ponytail, 'cause you know some people get kinda kinky, and so then he talked me into sitting in the back seat, how much more comfortable that would be. I was still a little leery of sitting in the back seat. If you're scared of me he says I'll take you back no problem. I really needed the money. You know, I'm out here on a day to day basis, never know where I'm gonna sleep, so I don't sleep with anybody for free. You know I gotta make sure I have the cash in my pocket. So I let him talk me into goin' ahead and gettin' in the back seat. So he tells me to turn my back to him, 'cause he wants to massage my shoulders and play with my ponytail. So I turn around. First thing he does is grab my ponytail and yank me down in the seat. Soon as I hit that seat I looked at him and said that sucks; somehow I knew this was gonna happen. He says all you got to do is cooperate I won't hurt you and he says I want you to take off your pants. I took off my pants. I was pretty shook by now; I was like in tears, 'cause I didn't know like what he was gonna do. You know, all the time we'd been drivin' there he kept the conversation goin' like he was a real nice guy. He really snowed me. He yanked me, and I knew that he was gonna rape me. I asked him would you please wear a rubber with me I said I'll cooperate I'll work with you I'll make sure that you're gonna get a good piece of ass to be honestly truthful. He says hey I'm into safe sex that's OK. So he put the rubber on and proceeded to rape me; it didn't last long at all; and he asked me to throw my clothes out of the car. I said no I'm not gonna do that I just can't do that. I was afraid he was gonna drive me down the road some, let me out naked. So when I refused I guess he realized OK she gave me a good job she did what I told her to do everything was cool, so he let me get out right then and there. He had his car pointed to the direction he needed to go. He'd backed in. So I got out and he just spun away to where I couldn't get his license plate number. That was one of my scariest moments, 'cause this was really humiliating. And so I had to walk miles back. My man at that time was in the pen for parole violation, and so I really didn't have any backup. Nobody knew what car I got in; nobody knew what kinda danger I mighta been in. I asked around, and he's done it quite a few times with women who have ponytails.

Gloria

He was so close to Peggy now and he could see the dirty wrinkles that went all the way around her neck in a tree-bark pattern and he could see the little black sore on her chin and the veins on her eyes but he also saw the fine profile of face that she still had and the hair she took such pride in and the soft look in her eyes as she sat remembering because even if most things hadn't been happy at least they were her memories and someone else wanted her to share them with him — why, it didn't matter. So Jimmy sat and listened thinking she's a good woman with a lot in her and as soon as he had thought this there seemed to him to be a majestic echoing hollowness to the things she said as if there were caverns and caverns inside her and then his heart began pounding because he thought there must be room then for you-know-who.

He felt a sense of delicious expectation, the anticipation of a chemist almost at the end of a long sequence, when the colorless liquids may at last be mixed and begin to blush with color, slowly but steadily brightening now like an annunciation, like someone you love coming, like Gloria becoming visible to his open eyes as he tasted her presence near him and he felt her unbearably close beside him and about to come into being out of love for him and then she was real and she sat between him and Peggy smiling and listening and she was both brighter and less transparent than he remembered from those dreamy sleepless nights in the Hotel Bailey when he had to look for her even when he was seeing her because he could not see her except through his faith in her but the faith was there knowing that she would get brighter, that someday she would have weight in his arms as well as softness, and now it had happened, so that of Peggy he could scarcely make out more than a silhouette with a hypothetical face-texture whose features were dirty and crumbling anyhow like the clay people that he and Gloria used to make at the river but he could see very clearly the bumps and scars on Peggy's naked legs because Peggy sat with them drawn in high because it was cold while Gloria let her legs dangle down to the concrete so that Peggy's legs were not obscured by Gloria and her light; and he could see more of Gloria's face than he had ever been able to see before and Peggy's stories seemed to be getting murkier and muddier like Peggy herself since they were going straight into Gloria's ears and becoming part of Gloria, part of who Gloria was and had always been, and Gloria was smiling and smiling and he could see the delicate pulse in her neck and her perfume smelled so fresh to him and her hair was so soft and silky to his touch and Peggy said oh are you one of those who like my hair too? and Jimmy said something and Peggy was saying something but Jimmy couldn't even see her anymore because Gloria was growing into her strength so quickly now that it was happening before his eyes while the memories flashed and glowed like Melissa's afternoon movies to light up the darkness that he sat in which became darker and vaster and more and more forgotten, and he saw Gloria brushing her hair back from her face and talking very rapidly and he could see her lips move but he could not quite hear what she said; he was driving her home to the flat they had together on Pacific Avenue where the houses were immaculate and Peggy said are you all right? and Jimmy said keep talking and tall trees shaded the sidewalk and Jimmy slept well at night because the neighbors were quiet older people who kept the blinds drawn and rarely came out except to wash their cars. Schoolchildren waited at the bus stop, and the buses rolled slowly past the blue and white houses in silence, and there was a view of the ocean from the top of the hill at Pacific and Lyon where Jimmy and Gloria sometimes walked in the evenings when he got back from work (Gloria usually finished her job about half an hour earlier because she worked straight through lunch) and on Saturdays they went to one of the parks and had a picnic with salami and cheese and pickles and French bread and the grass was warm and wet to the touch and children chattered like squirrels and men and women snuggled on pretty blankets and Gloria scratched her knee sleepily and said darling would you like a beer and Jimmy said no I don't think I'll drink today how about passing me a seltzer and Gloria said what a good boy and her long hair trembled in the sunny breeze and Jimmy said you know babe I really have a thing for your hair and Gloria said that's sweet even if you do always say that and Jimmy said I'd love it so much if you'd put your hair in a ponytail for me and Gloria said why a ponytail? and Jimmy said remember how you wore it braided in a ponytail when we were kids and we took that train ride? and Gloria laughed and said of course I remember I remember everything about that trip although I was even littler than you and the windows were so high above my head that I had to stand on Mother's lap to see the snowflakes coming down outside and all the grownups seemed as tall as redwood trees do you remember that part of it? and Jimmy said yes and Gloria said but you know hon I remember something sad about that trip too I remember how in Louisiana they had separate bathrooms for white and colored why honey you've gone pale did I say something to upset you? but Jimmy said you don't remember that part correctly nothing bad like that happened I think you must have just read about it in the schoolbooks anyway not to change the subject how about putting your pretty hair in a ponytail for your man? and Gloria said if that's what you want Jimmy and began putting her hair up and gathering it and Jimmy said oh darling you look just like the little girl I remember now turn your back to me and let me rub your shoulders and when Gloria couldn't see what he was doing anymore he took her ponytail in both hands and

and Gloria said let's go downtown and they went into a bakery where the cakes were covered with flowers of frosting and there were loaves of pumpkin bread heavy with raisins and the sugar cookies glittered like stars and Gloria got a chocolate éclair and when she was done Jimmy kissed the frosting off her lips.

Peggy

One time said Peggy I picked up this real nice, clean-cut man, but he was built, really built good. I got him up into my motel room and he told me he was a hit man. He murdered people for a living. All he wanted to do was talk. When he told me his profession I thought, mmmarvelous! the things I get myself into, right? All he wanted to do was talk about the people he killed, how sorry he was that he had to do it, but it was his job. He told me a few little details, an' I was really on pins and needles.

Not my kind of work, said Jimmy. Did he look in their faces when he killed 'em?

Yeah. He looked 'em dead in their eyes, as he's lookin' dead in my eyes. Now the man's armed, so I was pretty shook up. But I acted real calm and I kept the conversation goin', and that's just about all you really need to do to keep your safety. Never let them know that you're gonna panic or you don't want their company — and he had paid me for that half-hour that he wanted to talk. That really tripped me out when somebody knocked on the door. He jumped up off the bed drew his gun I didn't know if he was gonna put rounds in it or what. I said sit down an' relax, whoever's at my door I'm not gonna open it, just gonna tell them through the door that I'm busy and to get on. So I did that, but I mean that was a real spooky experience.

Gloria

Gloria was sitting very still on the steps, and for a moment Jimmy thought that what Peggy had said had paled her and diminished her, but she smiled at him over her shoulder and he saw that she had not been hurt, that she had known that these were not her memories, and for the first time he could see her eyes very clearly; they were like Melissa's eyes; and he hugged her and said good girl way to go babe don't be afraid because you know those kind of men don't even exist and Peggy said what the hell are you talking about and Jimmy said hey I paid you didn't I so just keep on talking.

Peggy

Just recently said Peggy I had aggravated a gentleman who'd just murdered someone down the street. It didn't make me feel too good. He was very much pussy-whipped, OK? His old lady just ran the whole show and yet she wasn't doin' shit. I'm very honest; I walked up an' I confronted him about it. He slapped me. I said well that's what you felt you needed to do but my opinion stands. Meanwhile everyone's pulling me away trying to walk me off, saying that this man will stab you in the back when you aren't looking; don't aggravate him. So OK fine. I left it at that. Not more than two days after that he had murdered his girlfriend's trick. Girlfriend's got a real hard time getting dates. I don't know she's just not aggressive enough she's just real stupid. Apparendy she got a date took the date up to her room then Blackwell popped out of the closet and stabbed him, killed him. So now he's on the run an' I don't have to worry about him no more.

Gloria

No Jimmy it's OK, Gloria said, I didn't drink that story, either. And I don't even need many more stories because what I see and remember is already making me what I am.

Her fingernails now came into being, one by one, sparkling with the newness of diamonds.

Peggy

I had a date just last week with a black man, said Peggy. He picked me up asked me if I was clean I told him yes I'm clean only because I use rubbers and I see my doctor faithfully and he says well I don't know about the rubber part I says well if you want to date me that's what you have to do, so he accepts this. And meanwhile he's just asking me questions; you can tell if you're being interrogated. He takes me to the Sunset Inn over on Van Ness and we go up to his room. It's like 1776 or something; I don't think I'd forget his room number. But when I got in there he laid out all his jewelry, so it was kind of a setup to me; I don't steal from my dates. He was putting things where if I were a thief I would've taken them. I said you know I really have a funny feeling that you don't want a date are you gonna hurt me? — If you don't put me in that position he says I won't hurt you. — So I says look I can give you your money back there's no problem here. I can walk home or something. I really don't need this date to the point where I'm gonna get hurt if that's what it's gonna take to satisfy you. He says you know I just want some head and if you're good enough you're not gonna get hurt. Well luckily I'm real good at that. But all the time I was servicing him I was in fear. So when I finished servicing him yeah I could tell that he was checking out where his diamond rings and things were, so I didn't get nowhere near 'em, so I says are you done with me now he says yes I'm done here's a dollar for bus fare. Well I'm not gonna argue with him I'm not gonna say oh, you're not gonna bring me back? I didn't do that. I was pretty shook to where I just walked. You know I'm a pretty good judge of character and you really have to watch out the look they have and the way they drool.

Gloria

Jimmy looked at Gloria again and she cast a shadow now and her flesh had the firmness of flesh; she was completely opaque to the streetlights now, and he understood that when he got up to leave she would walk away with him and be visible beside him forever, and a tremendous pride and excitement pounded in his heart. He knew that she knew all that he had done to clothe and adorn her with memories. He could see her jewelry now; she was becoming that substantial, with the necklace and bracelets and earrings that he had given her that time when he had gotten through the probationary period on his job and the boss looked him dead in the eye and told him Jimmy not only are we going to keep you but we like your work so much we're gonna give you a raise and Jimmy went down to the jewelry store after work and bought rings and bracelets and pearl earrings and scattered them all over the bedroom in little boxes with bows and ribbons and Gloria's eyes got so big when she got home and Jimmy said they're all for you babe and Gloria said but but but where did you get the money? and Jimmy told her and Gloria clapped her hands and rushed around opening her presents hugging him and saying Jimmy you're the best oh look at this oh look how this one sparkles oh Jimmy thank you I love you so I'll never ever leave you. — Gloria made love to him wearing her jewelry and then she arranged it all around the bed where they lay together and the alarm clock was softly ticking and Gloria's face was ever so faintly luminous and Gloria said oh you're so warm, so warm, and Jimmy rubbed her shoulders and Gloria said your skin feels nice and their bodies rested against each other as they were meant to and Jimmy lay watching Gloria sleep and he saw that the second hand of his watch was broken and then he yawned and laid down his head on her shoulder and went to sleep.

But all that had happened long ago because Jimmy did not need it to happen anymore; Gloria was real and finished.

Well Peggy said Jimmy nice talking to you.

At home

He came into the lobby and paid his rent to Pearl and went up the stairs not yet acting as if Gloria were with him (even though she was) for the same reason that at the Black Rose it was taboo to change a wig in public; one always did it in the bathroom; for the same reason that women don't show their cunts to everybody, which is why there are whores. . and Jimmy fell down onto his bed with Gloria beside him and Gloria said I want to move out of here tomorrow and Jimmy said whatever you want, you know I'll do it and she smiled and said I know and he said it does kind of get you here the first time although I forgot that and she said tomorrow we'll start getting used to another place and he said you'll tell me where, won't you? and she said oh come on Jimmy don't be afraid; pretty soon you and I will be living in a nice house and he said it's just that I feel so tired and rested his head on the fluffy pillows that soon became a feast of mashed potatoes covered with the thin brown gravy of dreams.