Xenophobe's Guide to the Italians

Crime & Punishment

All Italians are individually perfect, but all Italians know that gli altri are imperfect. So Italian criminal law starts from the premise that you are guilty until you are proved innocent.

Italian criminals have few worries because the chances of being caught are very slim. The perpetrators of 83% of all crimes committed have yet to be brought to book, including 97% of theft, 64% of homicide, 86% of robbery and 72% of kidnapping.

Punishment tends to involve either fines or imprisonment or both. Although Italian prisons are generally overcrowded and not particularly pleasant places to spend time, they are more comfortable than those in northern Europe and the United States. Indeed, conditions for imprisoned mafia bosses are said to be pretty cushy thank you, and are regularly criticised in public for being so.

Italians are brilliant conmen who always manage to find people ready to risk their all to make a quick buck. They are expert copiers and counterfeiters, and have long dominated the traffic in art works. The fact that there is no guarantee that the works are the real thing, and may well be stolen or faked by a craftsman, only adds to the spice of the trade. Whether the buyer is looking for a Roman vase or a Modigliani sculpture, the illegal Italian art world will find him what he wants. Italian politicians have themselves set the example of corrupt behaviour by accepting vast bribes for fixing government contracts. The Italians chose to ignore this until the government of the day made the fatal mistake of muffing it – thus changing status in a flash from furbo to fesso.

There is a different police force for every occasion in Italy. There are national police, local police, traffic police, military police, financial police, railway police, secret police, private police, and so on.

The carabinieri are the most evident of Italy’s police forces. Indeed, they are often involved in military as well as police activities. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to join their ranks, and that their officers are supposed to be the best in the Italian armed forces, they are not famed for their shining intellectual prowess. As a result, they are the butt of many Italian jokes. For example:

Italy’s legal traditions are impressive and the country has a vast array of wonderful laws, to prevent any kind of injustice, inequality or corruption. On paper the Italian legal system, with its written civil and penal codes, seems more or less perfect.

The problems start with law enforcement. Italy’s laws would be perfect without the Italians, who pay little attention to most of them. For example, although seatbelts are compulsory, few actually wear them (in some parts of Italy their introduction led to a roaring trade in T-shirts with seatbelts printed on them). The use of car horns is officially prohibited in built-up areas, where the maximum speed limit is 30 miles per hour, but these regulations are by and large completely ignored by both the public and the police, although the police will enforce them occasionally, especially when they see people driving cars with foreign or out-of-town number plates.

Because of the very serious difficulties the Italian government has in collecting taxes, a whole series of laws exists to make sure regulations are respected. For example, until recently receipts issued by bars and restaurants as proof of payment had to be carried a minimum of 50 metres before being thrown away.