Xenophobe's Guide to the Italians

Behaviour

Italians are past masters at arrangiarsi (getting by), and at home and in communities abroad have always been famous for their ability to make the best of their situation. This is due to the fact that, more often than not, they have had to.

For example, when the traffic is held up by two drivers having a long conversation because they haven’t seen each other since the day before, those in the traffic queue will make the most of the moment by fiercely sounding their horns and hurling insults, or reading their newspapers, or making phone calls while using the rear-view mirror to preen.

At one time, when, through a mixture of governmental incompetence and bureaucratic venality, Italy suffered a shortage of small change, the Italians just shrugged their shoulders and used boiled sweets instead.

The Italians are generous people, but their generosity should be accepted with caution, for no present in Italy comes without strings attached. Italian life and power are based on a system of gifts and favours. The moment someone accepts a gift, he owes the giver a favour and has concluded an agreement that lasts a lifetime. So when one Italian gives another a lift to the station or the telephone number of a good eye specialist, sooner or later he will expect something back.

Driving is the area of his life where the Italian male feels he can properly express himself. Ask what he means by a good driver or a beautiful road and he will wax poetic. He will tell you that a good driver is one who drives at speed from A to B, ensuring the maximum pleasure and comfort of his passengers, not braking too often, not driving over bumps or holes but slaloming round them, driving, in short, like a Ferrari Formula One team member. A beautiful road is a wide, well-cambered road, which can be driven at high speed without any unsettling bumps for his passengers, in short, a race track; the narrow, scenic road winding through the mountains will not be considered a beautiful road.

Owners of new Alfa Romeos are recommended by the company’s manual to drive in a certain way to get the best performance and life expectancy from their vehicle: they should not drive too close to the car in front, they should not accelerate or brake suddenly between traffic lights; they should not corner at high speed, and so on… In other words they should not drive as Italians.

Country bumpkins who drive in Italian cities need to remember two basic rules: vehicles with out-of-town plates are regarded as fair game by both local drivers and traffic police; and traffic police enforce the traffic laws as and when they wish. It is said that in Naples there are only two kinds of traffic lights: those that are there for decoration and those that are merely a suggestion.

Driving in the countryside can be entertaining, too, particularly when you don’t know where you’re going. Italian sign painters specialise in artistic roadsigns designed not to help motorists, but to be appreciated as masterpieces of art by those who live nearby. Fortunately it is not easy to get lost in Italy, as long as you already know the way and remember that, despite the efforts of the autostrada administration to convince drivers that they do, not all roads lead to Rome.