You Are Dead

57

Tuesday 16 December

‘Good morning, boys, it’s make-your-mind-up time! Make-your-mind-up time, chum!’ he said with a giggle. ‘Who remembers that line, eh? Felix? Harrison? Marcus?’

‘Cilla Black in the TV dating show Blind Date?’ ventured Felix, always the one to lead.

‘No, it was Hughie Green in Opportunity Knocks who used it first,’ said Marcus.

‘What do you think, Harrison?’

‘I’m not so sure. But it rings a bell.’

‘Ding, ding!’ He giggled again.

‘It was definitely Blind Date,’ Felix said.

‘I never saw Blind Date,’ Marcus said.

‘Tut tut, what a sheltered life you’ve led, eh?’

‘A better one than this,’ Marcus retorted, sullen.

‘Tut, tut, tut, what kind of gratitude is that, Marcus?’

‘What exactly do any of us have to be grateful about?’ he retorted.

‘Ooooohhhh, feisty! I like it when you get all feisty, Marcus. It sets all my pheromones racing! You never saw Blind Date? Did you spend the 1990s living under a rock? The whole planet saw that show. Except, of course, for you.’

‘Myself as well as the one quarter of the earth’s population who’ve not yet made a telephone call, let alone enjoyed the luxury of watching television,’ Marcus replied.

‘Oh very good, I love your social conscience, Marcus. I like a person with principles. But I suspect that figure you are quoting is lower these days. You’re out of date, really you are. I don’t know what you spend your time doing, honestly. We’ll have to help your cultural enlightenment. I’ll see if I can find some recordings of Blind Date for you!’

‘I think Felix is right,’ said Harrison. ‘It was Cilla Black in Blind Date.’

‘Yessss,’ he squealed with delight. ‘Yesssss, yessssssss, yessssssssss! So Felix wins today’s prize! Let’s all hear it for Felix! Let’s congratulate him! Felix, you get a Mars bar! I know it’s a bit early in the morning, but hey, as my mum used to say, What’s time to the Irish? Eh?’

He pulled a Mars bar from his pocket, ripped the wrapper off and let it flutter down onto the floor. ‘Oh dear, what a litter lout I am!’ He held out the chocolate bar. ‘Here it is, Felix, enjoy, let the losers salivate over your success! But before you take the first bite, because you’re not quite there yet, I want you to tell me what Cilla Black’s name was before she changed it. Can you tell me?’ He held out the chocolate bar, tantalizing him.

‘I don’t know,’ Felix said. ‘I so totally do not know!’

‘It was Priscilla White!’ he said, triumphantly. ‘Oh dear, you lose!’ He held the bar up. ‘All right, while I decide if one of you gets the whole thing, or we all share it, I’d like to know everyone’s opinion about my latest project, Freya Northrop. Are we all still agreed?’ He held up her photograph. ‘She ticks all the boxes, yes?’

‘She does,’ Felix said.

‘Harrison, what do you think?’

‘Felix is only saying yes because he wants the Mars bar,’ Harrison replied.

‘She’s definitely your type,’ Marcus said.

‘Oh, you are being nice to me now, Marcus. Could it be that you are angling for the chocolate? You are right though, she is my type, isn’t she! Oh yes, she’s exactly my type all right. She’s home early every night to prepare dinner, while her boyfriend — Zak — stays at the restaurant, working away. When he comes home one night this week, big surprise — there’ll be no dinner and no Freya!’

‘Do you have a thing about couples shacking up together?’ Harrison asked.

‘Are you going moralistic on me, Harrison?’

‘I’m only mentioning it.’

‘Purely coincidental, old chap.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m sensing a lot of attitude this morning.’ He put the picture down and looked at his watch. ‘Six fifteen. Tut, tut! I’ve not had my brekkie yet!’ He took a large bite out of the Mars bar, and chewed. Through his sticky mouthful of chocolate and toffee, he said, ‘Mmmn, not had one of these for a while. It tastes good, really good. Too good to share! And I’ve got a busy day ahead — need to keep my strength up, sorry everyone!’ He pushed the rest of the bar into his mouth.

‘Bastard!’ Marcus said.

He nodded. ‘Yep, I am, you’re right about that, Marcus; but then you always have been!’