You Are Dead

76

Thursday 18 December

‘Boy, you really screwed up big time!’ Felix said. ‘You were driven by sheer hubris.’

‘You’ve put us all in danger,’ Harrison added, sternly. ‘You allowed that detective Roy Grace to rile you into making a mistake. Despite what he said, you’ve not put a foot wrong before, in all these years. We’re all under threat now.’

‘We’re doomed,’ said Marcus, gloomily. ‘We don’t want things to change, not at this stage of our lives. Now we all face rotting in jail for being accessories to murder.’

‘You’re being ridiculous.’

‘You’re the ridiculous one,’ Marcus replied. ‘BTK would have got clean away with his murders if he hadn’t risen to the bait — the tauntings by the FBI. We warned you to keep calm, lie doggo, do nothing. But no, you and your bloody ego!’

‘Surely you knew she had a dog?’ Felix quizzed.

‘I’m telling you she did not have a sodding dog!’

‘Oh,’ Harrison said, ‘so you were bitten by an imaginary dog?’

‘Very funny.’

‘Which might give you imaginary rabies,’ Marcus said pensively. He said it slowly, as if testing this hypothesis on himself, introspectively. ‘Psychosomatic.’

‘The way when someone loses a limb they can still feel it for years afterwards,’ Harrison said.

Marcus and Felix chortled. ‘Oh yes, absolutely!’

‘It’s not funny, boys. I’ve been bitten, there’s blood on my trousers, which means I might have left blood at the scene.’

‘Remember Tony Hancock, the comedian?’ Felix said. ‘Hancock’s Half Hour on television? One of the best was The Blood Donor. He went to give blood and then asked how much they would be taking. When they replied it was a pint, he worked out that a normal male human being has nine to ten pints, so he calculated that one pint equated to an entire armful. “I’m not walking around with an empty arm,” he said!’

‘I know what he meant! At least we don’t have to worry about that, eh?’ Harrison said.

Felix and Marcus laughed, sourly. Then Marcus said, ‘Well, look on the bright side!’

Felix began singing the song from Monty Python’s Life of Brian: ‘Always look on the bright side of life!’

‘Shuddup all three of you!’ he screamed.

‘The thing is,’ Felix said, ‘how could you have missed that there was a dog in the house?’

‘I did a bloody recce. There was no dog bowl — neither for water nor food. I’d have bloody seen it, wouldn’t I?’

‘Well,’ Marcus said. ‘Obviously not.’

He rounded on Marcus, glaring. ‘I’m warning you.’

‘Ooooh, I’m so scared! Mummy, help me, I’m scared. Mr Big has been bitten by a rabid dog and is close to foaming at the mouth!’

‘I’m warning you! I won’t warn you again.’

There was a moment of sullen silence, then he added, ‘There was no sodding dog in the house. She must have brought it with her.’

‘And now we’re doomed,’ Felix said. ‘DOOMED!’

‘Do you want a smack in the mouth, Felix?’

‘If it helps dislodge my aching tooth, yes please!’

‘You tossers,’ he said. ‘You trio of tossers! We have a possible crisis and all you can do is make fun of the situation. Get real!’

‘Sorry,’ Marcus said.

‘Really sorry,’ Felix said.

‘I’m sorry, too,’ added Harrison.

He glared at the three of them. ‘Like you all really mean it?’

‘Temper, temper,’ Felix said. ‘Take a deep breath and calm down. Remember what Nelson Mandela said. “Holding resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.”’

‘Go to hell!’

‘Not possible.’

‘Oh, why not?’

‘Because that’s where all of us are already.’