The Egyptian

4

It remains for me to tell of the Day of the False King.

When the young corn had begun to sprout and the fierce chill of the nights had given way to warmth, the priests went forth out of the city to bring their god from his tomb and to cry that he had risen again. Upon this the city of Babylon was transformed into a fair ground, where there was dancing and where gaily dressed crowds poured along the streets. The mob plundered the shops, making more commotion and uproar than the soldiers had after the great inspection. Women and girls went to the temple of Ishtar to collect silver for their wedding portions, and whoever chose might enjoy them without shame. The last day of the festival was the Day of the False King.

I was by now familiar with many customs in Babylon, yet I was astonished to see the King’s bodyguard before dawn on that day crowding drunkenly into Ishtar’s House of Joy, breaking open the doors and striking everyone they met with the butts of their spears as they shouted at the tops of their voices:

“Where is our king hiding? Bring him forth speedily, for the sun is about to rise, and the king must dispense justice to his people!”

The din was beyond description. Lamps were lighted, and the inn servants ran about the passages in a fright, while Kaptah, believing that riots had broken out in the city, hid beneath my bed. But I went to meet the soldiers, naked under my woolen robe, having just risen from sleep, and asked them, “What is it you want? Beware how you behave to me, for I am Sinuhe the Egyptian, the Son of the Wild Ass, whose name you have certainly heard.”

At this they shouted, “If you are Sinuhe, then you are he whom we seek!”

They tore off my cloak so that I stood naked; whereupon they pointed me out to each other in wonder, having never before seen a circumcised man. Then they debated together, saying, “Can we let this man go free? He is a danger to our women, who love whatever is new and strange.”

But when they had had enough of mockery, they released me, saying, “Waste no more of our time but deliver to us your servant, for we must bring him to the palace with all speed, today being the Day of the False King. It is the King’s will that we hasten to the palace with the man.”

When Kaptah heard this, he was so terrified that he began to tremble and shake the whole bed so that they found him and, dragging him forth with jubilation, made deep obeisance before him.

They said to one another, “This is a day of great rejoicing, for at last we have found our king who had hidden himself and disappeared from our sight. Our eyes are gladdened by him, and we hope he will reward our fidelity with many gifts.”

The trembling Kaptah stared at them with eyes as big as snaffle rings, and at the sight of his amazement and terror they laughed more than ever and said, “This is indeed the king of the four quarters of the world, and we know his face!”

They bowed low before him, and those who stood at his back kicked him in the seat to hurry him.

Kaptah said to me, “Truly this city-truly this whole world is full of destruction, of maniacs and malignants against whom not even the scarab seems able to protect me. I cannot tell whether I stand on my head or my heels-it may be that I am sound asleep there upon the bed and in the grip of an evil dream. Anyway, I must go with them, for they are sturdy men. But save your own life, lord, if you may. Take down my body from the wall when they have hung me up by the heels, and embalm it for safety’s sake. Do not let them throw me into the river.”

The soldiers howled with delight when they heard him.

“By Marduk, we could have found no better king than this; it is a marvel that his tongue is not in knots with his talking.”

Dawn was now breaking, and they smote Kaptah on the back with their spear shafts to hurry him and led him away. I dressed myself rapidly and followed them to the palace, where I found all the forecourts and outer rooms full of noisy crowds. I was now sure that riots had broken out and that the gutter would run blood as soon as reinforcements arrived from the provinces.

But when I followed the soldiers into the great throne room, I saw Burnaburiash seated on his lion-footed golden throne beneath the canopy of sovereignty, robed in kingly raiment and with the symbols of power in his hands. Round about him stood the chief priests of Marduk, the counselors and the foremost men in the kingdom. But the soldiers never heeded them; they thrust Kaptah forward, making way with their spears until they reached the throne, where they paused.

There was suddenly silence; no one spoke until Kaptah suddenly said, “Take away that devil’s creature, or I shall weary of this game and go away.”

At this moment sunlight broke through the tracery of the east window, and everyone began to shout, “He is right! Take away this creature, for we have had enough of being governed by a beardless boy. This man is wise, therefore we make him king that he may rule over us.”

I could not believe my eyes when I saw them set upon the King, jostling and laughing with rude utterance, to snatch the symbols from his hands and the robe from his back so that he was soon as naked as I when the soldiers surprised me. They pinched his arms and felt his thigh muscles and jeered at him.

“It is plain to see that he is newly weaned and his mouth still wet with his mother’s milk. It is high time that the women in the women’s house had some enjoyment, and we think that this old rogue, Kaptah the Egyptian, can ride in that saddle!”

Burnaburiash uttered no word of protest but laughed with them, while his lion in great uneasiness and perplexity slunk away with its tail between its legs, scared by the mob.

And then for all I knew I might have been standing on my head, for from the King they rushed to Kaptah, clothed him in the royal robe and forced him to take the symbols of majesty into his hands. They pushed him onto the throne and prostrated themselves before him, wiping the floor with their lips. First among them crawled Burnaburiash, stark naked, shouting, “This is as it should be! He shall be our king, and a better one we could not have chosen.”

Then they all sprang up and proclaimed Kaptah king, and they stamped and squirmed and held their sides in mirth.

Kaptah stared at them goggle eyed, his hair on end beneath the royal diadem, which they had set awry on his head.

At length he said, “If I am indeed king, it is worth a drink. Make haste, therefore, to bring in wine, you slaves, if any is to be found here, or my stick shall dance on your backs, and I shall have you hung from the walls. Bring a great quantity of wine, for these gentlemen and friends who have made me king shall drink with me, while I myself mean to bathe up to my neck in wine.”

His words evoked great rejoicing, and the shouting throng dragged him to a vast hall where many luscious dishes were set forth and much wine. Each one took what he fancied, and Burnaburiash donned a servant’s apron and dashed about like a clown, stumbling over people’s feet and spilling wine and sauce over their clothes so that many swore and flung gnawed bones at him. In all the outer courtyards food and drink were offered to the mob; oxen and sheep were quartered there; and the populace could scoop beer and wine from the pools and stuff themselves with a porridge prepared with cream and sweet dates. As the sun rose higher, an indescribable tumult prevailed.

As soon as opportunity offered, I approached Kaptah and said to him privately, “Kaptah, follow me; let us fly unobserved, for no good can come of this.”

But Kaptah had drunk wine, and his belly was swollen with good food. He replied, “Your words are as the buzz of flies in my ear. Never did I hear such witless talk. Am I to go now when all these good people have made me king and bow before me?”

He wiped the grease from his mouth and, shaking a gnawed donkey bone at me, shouted, “Take away this scum of an Egyptian before I lose my temper and let my stick dance on his back!”

It might have gone ill with me, but at that moment a horn was sounded, and a man announced that it was now time for the king to go down and dispense justice to his people; whereupon I was forgotten.

Kaptah was somewhat taken aback when they began to lead him toward the House of Justice and said that he was content to leave the business to the appointed judges-s. ound men whom he trusted. But the people countered this with heat and indignation, and shouted, “We will witness the king’s wisdom to prove to ourselves that he is the right king and knows the laws.”

So Kaptah was lifted to the throne of justice; before him were laid scourge and fetters, the symbols of justice; then the people were called on to step forward and lay their cases before the king.

When Kaptah had pronounced judgment on some of these, he grew weary of the business; he stretched himself and said, “Today I have eaten and drunk and-as I think-toiled and racked my brain enough. As king I am lord also of the women’s house, where so far as I know some four hundred wives await me. I must therefore inspect these possessions of mine, for wine and majesty have strangely fired me, and I feel as strong as a lion.”

When the people heard this, they raised a tremendous shout, which seemed as if it would never end. They followed him back to the palace, where in the courtyard before the door of the women’s house they took up their stand. But Burnaburiash was no longer laughing; he rubbed his hands nervously and scratched his leg with the other foot.

When he saw me, he came up and said rapidly, “Sinuhe, you are my friend, and as a physician you may enter the house of the King’s women. Follow him and see that he does nothing he may be sorry for later. I shall have him flayed alive and set his head to dry upon the wall if he touches my women; if he behaves well, I promise him an easy death.”

I said to him, “Burnaburiash, I am indeed your friend and wish you well, but tell me what all this means, for my liver is heavy to see you in the place of a servant and mocked by all.”

He answered me impatiently, “Today is the Day of the False King as everyone knows; hasten now to follow him, lest evil befall.”

I made no move to obey, though he seized me by the arm, but said only, “I do not know the customs of your country; you must explain to me what all this signifies.”

“Each year on the Day of the False King the stupidest, craziest man in Babylon is chosen king to rule from dawn to sunset in full majesty and power, and the King himself waits upon him. And never have I seen a more comical king than Kaptah, whom I chose for that reason. He does not know what is to happen to him, and that is drollest of all.”

“What then is to happen?”

“At sunset he will be slain as suddenly as he was crowned. I can kill him cruelly if I choose, but mostly I give them a gentle poison in their wine, and they fall asleep without knowing they are to die. Hasten now and see to it that your servant commits no folly of which he may repent before sundown.”

But there was no need to fetch Kaptah, who now came tumbling from the house in a great rage, with blood streaming from his nose and with his hand over his one eye. He said amid howls and yells, “See what they have done to me! They offered me old hags and Negresses, but when I would have tasted a tender kid, it turned into a tiger and gave me a black eye and hit me on the nose with a slipper!”

Burnaburiash was so helpless with laughter that he had to steady himself by catching on to my arms, and Kaptah continued with his lamentation.

“I dare not open the door to that house, for the young woman in there is raging like a wild beast, and I know not what is to be done-unless you, Sinuhe, go in and open her skull and so release the evil spirit that is in her. In truth she must be possessed; how else would she dare lay hands on the King and smite me on the nose with her slipper so that blood flows from me as from a stuck ox?”

Burnaburiash nudged me and said, “Go in, Sinuhe, and see what has happened. You know the place now, and today I may not enter it. Then come and tell me. I think I know which girl it is, for one was brought here yesterday from the islands in the sea from whom I expect much enjoyment though she should first be drugged with poppy juice.”

He pestered me until I went into the women’s house, where all was turmoil. The eunuchs did not hinder me, knowing that I was a physician. Old women who in honor of the day had clad themselves in all their splendor and painted their wrinkled faces came clustering about me, demanding with one voice, “What became of him, our beloved, our heart’s flower, our little he-goat for whom we have waited since morning?”

A big Negress, whose breasts hung down on her belly like black cooking pots, had undressed so as to be the first to receive Kaptah, and she cried, “Give me my beloved that I may press him to my bosom! Give me my elephant that he may wind his trunk about me!”

But the harassed eunuchs said, “Do not heed these women. Their task is but to entertain the false king, and they have drunk their livers full of wine while waiting for him. But truly we need a physician, as the girl who was brought here yesterday is mad. She is stronger than we are and kicks us very severely, and we do not know what will come of this, for she has a knife and is as savage as a wild beast.”

They took me to the women’s court the colored tiles of which glowed in the sunshine. In the middle of this was a round pool in which stood carved water monsters spouting water from their jaws. The frenzied woman had climbed up on these; her clothes had been torn by the eunuchs as they tried to catch her, and she was drenched from having swum across the pool, and from the many jets of water that spurted about her. With one hand she clung to the mouth of a spouting porpoise and in the other she held a flashing knife. What with the rushing of the water and the screams of the eunuchs I could not hear a word she said. Despite her torn dress and wet hair she was certainly a beautiful girl. She confused me, and I said wrathfully to the eunuchs, “Go away and let me speak with her and calm her; shut off the water that I may hear what she says, for I see she is shouting.”

When the rushing of the water was stilled, I heard that she was not shouting but singing. I could not understand the words of the song, for they were in a language I did not know. Her head was thrown back, her eyes sparkled green as a cat’s, and her cheeks were flushed with excitement.

I called to her in a passion, “Cease that screeching, wildcat-throw away the knife and come here that we may talk together and that I may heal you, for you are certainly mad.”

She broke off her song and answered me in imperfect Babylonian-it was even worse than mine, “Jump into the pool, baboon, and swim hither for me to let blood from your liver, for I am exceedingly angry!”

“I mean you no harm!”

“Many a man has said that to me and lied. I may not approach a man even should I so desire, for I have been dedicated to my god to dance before him. That is why I carry this knife, and I will give it my own blood to drink rather than that a man should touch me. Least of all shall that one-eyed devil come fumbling at me, for he looked more like a blown-up bag than a man.”

“Dance your fill, you maniac, but put away that knife; for you might hurt yourself, and that would be a pity since the eunuchs tell me they paid a quantity of gold for you in the slave market on behalf of the King.”

“I am no slave; I was stolen away in secret as you would see if you had eyes in your head. But can’t you speak some respectable language that these people can’t follow? The eunuchs are lurking among the pillars with ears pricked to hear what we are saying.”

“I am an Egyptian,” I answered in my own tongue, “and my name is Sinuhe, He Who Is Alone, Son of the Wild Ass. By profession I am a physician, so you need not fear me.”

She jumped into the water then and swam over to me, knife in hand. Throwing herself down before me she said, “I know that Egyptian men are weak and will not take a woman by force; therefore, I trust you and beg you to forgive me for keeping my knife since it seems likely that this very day I shall have to open my veins lest my god be defiled through me. But if you fear the gods and wish me well, then save me and take me away from this land, though I may not reward you as you would then deserve, for it is forbidden.”

“I have no mind whatever to help you escape,” I snapped at her. “That would be an injury to the King, who is my friend and who has paid a mountain of gold for you. Moreover, I can tell you that the blown-up bag who was here is but the false king who reigns for today only, and tomorrow the real king will visit you. He is still a beardless boy and agreeable in his person, and he expects to find much delight with you when he has once tamed you. I do not think the power of your god can reach you here, and you would lose nothing by submission to the inevitable. It will be best, therefore, for you to make an end of this folly and to clothe and adorn yourself for him. You look far from comely with your wet hair and with the red from your lips smeared all over your face.”

These observations had their effect, for she felt her hair and wetting her finger tip rubbed her eyebrows and lips with it. Then she smiled at me-she had a small and lovely face-and said softly, “My name is Minea, and you may call me that when you take me away and we fly together from this evil land.”

I raised my hands in exasperation and turning walked quickly away, but her face so tormented me that I retraced my step and said, “Minea, I will speak for you to the King; more I cannot do. Meanwhile dress and compose yourself. If you wish it, I will give you a sedative drug so that you no longer care what is done with you.”

“Try that if you dare! Nevertheless, since you take my part, I will give you this knife, which has protected me hitherto-for I know that once I have done this you will protect and not betray me and that you will take me out of this land.”

She smiled at me under her dripping hair until I left her, carrying her knife and suffering deep mortification. For I perceived that she was more cunning than I in that by giving me her knife she bound her destiny with mine and I could not evade her.

Burnaburiash met me on my way from the women’s house and was most curious to know what had happened.

“Your eunuchs have done a poor stroke of business,” I told him, “for Minea, the girl they bought for you, is raving and will not come near a man because her god has forbidden it. It will be best, therefore, if you leave her in peace until she changes her mind.”

But Burnaburiash only laughed happily.

“Truly I anticipate much delight with her, for I know that kind of girl; with them the stick is the best argument. I am still young, and my beard has not grown, and I am often weary in the arms of women; I find greater pleasure in looking on and listening to their cries when the eunuchs lash them with thin wands. Therefore, this stubborn girl pleases me well since she gives me occasion to have her whipped by the eunuchs, and I swear that this very night she shall be beaten until her skin swells up and prevents her lying on her back, whereby my pleasure shall be greater than before.”

He rubbed his hands as he left me and tittered like a girl. As I stood and watched him go, I knew that he was no longer my friend, nor did I wish him well. And Minea’s knife still lay in my hand.