Dead Famous

DAY THIRTY-NINE. 7.00 p.m.

“It’s Thursday night,” said Andy the narrator, “and time for the housemates to make their nominations for this week’s eviction.”

Again everybody nominated Sally.

“She’s just got so strange,” Jazz said, when Peeping Tom asked him why he’d nominated her. “I mean, she sleeps on her own out in the garden and she’s so intense. It’s a real strain having her around.”

The other four housemates who nominated her all had much the same reason. Moon put it most succinctly. “I’m just sick to death of her being so fookin’ moody…”

And then there was the little matter that they were all quite clearly scared of her.

Of course, besides these negative thoughts they all added that they loved Sally and that she was a top girl.

The other person nominated was Garry, his sick jokes having by this time begun to grate on the inmates.

“I mean, I love him, of course,” said Dervla, “but if he does that screeching noise from Psycho one more time when I go to the toilet…”

“He’s a diamond geezer,” Jazz assured the camera, “but putting ketchup on Moon’s neck while she was having a kip was totally out of order. I mean, he’s brilliant, I love him, but you know what? At the end of the day I’m sick of him.”

When the nominations were announced Sally said nothing. She sat and stared into the distance for about half an hour before retreating to what had once been thought of as the nookie hut.

Garry assured everybody that he was happy to stay or go. “At the end of the day I’ve got a top life out there. I’ve got my little lad, I’m looking forward to going to the pub. I’m happy to crack on and big it up. Long as none of you lot stick a knife in my head before I get a chance to snuggle up on that couch with Chloe.”

Later on that evening Sally returned to the living area, and when she spoke it was to nobody in particular. “You all think I did it, don’t you?” she said. “And you know what? Maybe I did.”

In the monitoring bunker Geraldine did a little dance. “Thank you, Sally, you gorgeous fat dyke, you! Out lines do not get any better than that. Stick it on the end, Bob, and bang to credits, then when the credits are over, play it again… ‘Maybe I did.’ Su-fucking-perb!”