Fast Times at Ridgemont High - A True Story

Late-Night Phone Conversation

Stacy called Linda Barrett just after dinner. “I found this book in my mother’s drawer,” she said. “It’s called Total Orgasm.”

“What were you doing in your mother’s drawer?” asked Linda.

“I can’t remember,” said Stacy. “Maybe looking for the extra set of keys or something. But I found this book.”

“Did you look at it?”

“Of course I looked at it,” said Stacy. “It had all these drawings of men and women getting down, in all kinds of positions. It was pretty funny. The point of it was that most women don’t have orgasms unless they work real hard at it.”

“Really?” Linda Barrett felt a slight competition with any other sex expert. “It says that?”

“Yes. It says most women derive pleasure, but don’t have real orgasms.”

“Hmmmmmm.”

“Linda,” said Stacy, “what is a total orgasm?”

“I’ll tell you what a total orgasm is,” said Linda Barrett. “A total orgasm is when I’m lying in bed early on a Saturday morning, and I hear this little knocking at the window. I open my eyes and it’s Doug standing there. He knows and I know that my parents aren’t up yet or anything, so I let him in through the window. Then I go brush my teeth, and he gets in bed with me. Then we start getting it on, and I’m still kind of waking up. And it hurts a little bit at first, and then the hurt turns into a little itch. It’s like I’m floating on a river, and I feel this little itch . . . and just as I’m about to scratch it, the boat takes me over the edge of the river . . . and I don’t care. That’s a total orgasm.”

“Shit,” said Stacy. “That’s better than anything in the book.”

“I still want to look at it, though,” said Linda Barrett.