Fries Alive

CHAPTER18

After hiding in the woods for most of the night, Freddy, Howie, and the Fries made their way back to the farm very early the next morning while it was still dark. The police were gone, and so were Adam Spanker and his gang. But the barn still stank from Big Benny.

“I better get home before my parents miss me,” said Howie. He took off.

Freddy and the Fries went back to Freddy’s lab. “Okay, we have to get ready for the Founders’ Day parade. Nothing can stop us now, guys. I need to help my dad and sister get ready.”

“Can we come to the parade?” asked Ziggy.

“No, somebody might see you. But you’ve already helped rebuild the float. That’s plenty.”

When Freddy got to the farmhouse he was just about to sneak in when someone said, “Freddy, where have you been?”

He turned around and there was his father. Behind him and wearing a robe was his sister. She cried out, “We’ve been looking all over for you. We thought something had happened to you.” Nancy hugged Freddy tightly, and he thought he even saw a small tear in her eye. Then she pushed him away and said, “The police were here, you little slug.”

“The police? What did they want?” Freddy asked innocently.

“Something about a disturbance. They didn’t find anything, but Chief Spanker looked very upset,” said his father.

“Answer Dad’s question, Freddy; where have you been?”

“I’ve been in my lab working on some special stuff for the parade today. I guess I lost track of time.”

“A likely story,” huffed his sister.

“Now, Nancy,” said her father, “I’ve done the very same thing in my lab too. Okay, Freddy, go try and get some sleep. It’s going to be a busy day today.”

“Don’t worry, Dad, we’re going to win the competition,” said Freddy.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” replied Alfred.

“Huh?” exclaimed Freddy.

“Now that the Guacamole Brothers quit we don’t have enough help to serve a lot of people. So if we win and the Burger Castle is packed, people won’t have a good time and they probably won’t come back. I’ve tried to get other people to help, but the Spankers have hired everybody in town who’ve ever worked in a restaurant.”

His father and sister went off to bed with glum expressions while Freddy just stood there, stunned. All that work, for nothing. Even if the Burger Castle float won, the Spankers were still going to get all the customers. He looked out the window, toward where his Fries were hidden in the lab. And then it hit him. There was only one thing left to do.

Freddy waited until he could hear his sister snoring heavily. Then he crept into her room, grabbed all the costumes out of her trunk, and put them in a bag he had taken from his room. He opened the window and threw the bag out. Then he raced outside, grabbed the bag, and ran to his lab.

Later that morning the Funkhousers loaded up their station wagon and hitched the Burger Castle float behind it. They had covered up the float with a big sheet of blue tarp so it would be a surprise to the crowd.

On the way to town, Nancy kept going over and over her lines from Shakespeare.

“If chance will have me king, why, chance may crown me,” she said in a deep, dramatic voice, quoting Macbeth.

“I’d like to crown you,” said Freddy, “with a hammer.”

She glowered at him and quoted from Romeo and Juliet, “I will be cruel with the maids. I will cut off their heads.”

“Dad,” complained Freddy, “Nanny Boo-Boo said she was going to cut off my head.”

“That’s nice, son,” answered Alfred. “You two play so well together.”

When they arrived in downtown Pookesville they pulled into the area where all the other floats were and unhitched their float from the car.

“Okay, Freddy,” instructed his father. “Nancy and I will head over to the Burger Castle and get things ready. You stay here with the float. We’ll be back in plenty of time for the parade.”

After they left, Freddy quickly ducked under the skirting that ran along the bottom of the float. He opened the trapdoor that accessed the hollow insides of the Burger Castle.

“Hey, Fries, you okay in there?”

Six pairs of eyes stared back at him in the darkness.

“A-okay,” said Si. “I love the dark. It makes me feel all cozy.”

There was the sound of chattering teeth. “I… I… I’m scared of the dark,” moaned Meese.

“Hey, I’m here to protect you,” said Si.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” replied Meese.

“Okay,” said Freddy, “just stay in your hiding place. Once the parade is over, I’ll sneak you into the Burger Castle. Got it?”

“Got it,” said Theodore. “A remarkably vibrant plan you conceived, Freddy. Based on the Trojan Horse theory, of course.”

“Hey, I was going to say that,” complained Wally.

Freddy and the Fries couldn’t hear Adam Spanker and his father slip over to the Burger Castle float and lift up a corner of the tarp covering it. Their eyes widened at the sight of it.

“I thought you said you destroyed their float,” whispered Stewie Spanker to his son.

“I did, but they must’ve rebuilt it.”

“We can’t afford to lose the competition to these clowns,” said Stewie. They heard a noise, and Stewie put the cover back down and said, “I’m going to go and get something to make sure we win. If Funkhouser’s around when I get back, you distract him. Got it?”

“Got it, Dad.” Stewie took off and Adam hid behind another float.

Meanwhile, Freddy closed the trapdoor and ducked back outside.

Howie came running up to Freddy. “I heard that Chief Spanker found Adam and his gang stuck to the wall of your barn. And they told him everything they’d seen. But they didn’t have any real proof so he couldn’t make an arrest. And Adam was trespassing on your property. But they’re all here today and they’re going to be watching for anything suspicious.”

“That’s just great.” Freddy put a hand up to his nose. “What is that smell?”

He looked over and stiffened. It was Adam. His hair was all slicked back, and his skin was orange. He stunk worse than a room full of poop.

“So, I see you rebuilt that piece-of-junk float.”

Freddy and Howie faced off with him. “Not only did we rebuild it,” said Freddy, “but we’re going to win!”

“Yeah, right! That’ll be the day.”

Howie held his nose. “Man, you really stink. And you might want to do something about that orange skin. You look like a big, fat carrot.” Howie and Freddy laughed.

Adam made big fists. “Why you little twerp. Just wait until I find those monsters that attacked us last night. Then we’ll see whose laughing.”

“Monsters!” laughed Freddy. “Are you nuts?”

“Adam!”

They all looked up and saw Chief Spanker come around from the front of the Burger Castle float, where the tractor that was attached to it was located. He wasn’t dressed as a policeman today. He had on his Patty Cakes outfit with a hat shaped like a burger and a cake. He looked like a big pink cow patty. He was carrying a small bottle that he quickly put in his pocket.

Chief Spanker stared at Freddy and pointed a fat finger at him. “I know something’s going on here, and I’m gonna nail you and that crazy father of yours, Funkhouser.” He turned to his son. “Come on, the parade’s starting soon. We’ll show these flunkies what a real float looks like.”

“Right, Dad.” Adam looked at Freddy and smiled. “So long, loser.” Adam and his father exchanged a wink.

An hour later Alfred and Nancy returned, and the start of the parade was at hand. Alfred gave Freddy a walkie-talkie. “You’ll be on the float with your sister, waving to the crowd, but we can still communicate with these.”

“Right, Dad,” said Freddy. “Where is Nanny Boo-Boo?”

“She’s on the float already, waiting for the great unveiling.”

From the large reviewing stand set up on Main Street, Norman Thackery, the honorable chief judge of the Pookesville Court, and a fair and reasonable man – meaning he was no friend of the Spanker clan – announced the commencement of the parade.

Using a megaphone he said, “All float participants, start your engines.”

Alfred was at the controls of the Burger Castle float. He called out, “Okay, Freddy, off with the cover.”

Freddy pulled the cover off the float. And then his jaw dropped. There was his sister against the tallest turret of the castle, dressed in a long-flowing gown and a peaked hat, and she had tied herself with rope to the structure. She looked like a witch about to be burned at the stake.

“What are you doing, Nanny-Boo-Boo?” he cried out.

“You thought you were going to stop me from performing by taking out my balcony, didn’t you, you little fiend? Well, I outsmarted the great brain this time.”

“Get down! You’re going to ruin everything.”

“To be or not to be, that is the question.”

“You’re going to be a complete and total freak if you don’t get down right now.”

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but little nerds can never hurt me.”

Freddy stuck out his tongue at his sister and she immediately shot him a raspberry.

Freddy jumped on the float and they started off.

Freddy’s walkie-talkie crackled. “Oh boy, look behind us, Freddy,” said his father over the walkie-talkie.

Freddy’s heart sank. Positioned right behind them was the Patty Cakes float. It was three times the size of any other float and built of new and costly materials. As Freddy had guessed when he’d seen it in the warehouse, it was a complete reproduction of the Patty Cakes Restaurant, complete with the Patty Cakes theme park, roller coaster, Ferris wheel, splash ride, movie theater, video arcade, and much more. All put together now, it was far more impressive than Freddy realized it would be.

Standing on the float was the entire Spanker clan, including Adam, outfitted in their best clothes, although some of the family wore clothespins over their noses. Freddy could smell Adam from where he was standing. A huge loudspeaker attached to the float shouted out the Patty Cakes ditty: “Patty-cake, patty-cake, Spanker man, follow us, follow us to Spanker Land.”

“Wow,” said Alfred over the walkie-talkie, “their float’s going to be hard to beat.”

“That’s because they can afford some big-shot to build it for them,” Freddy shot back.

“It’s okay, Freddy, I still have a good feeling about today. Okay, here we go! Hold on tight, Nanny Boo-Boo.”

“It’s Nancy!” she yelled from the top of the turret.

The parade started off. All the floats in one long line glided down Main Street, passing in front of the reviewing stand where Judge Thackery would pick the winner.

The Burger Castle started off smoothly, but then the engine started sputtering.

“Something appears to be wrong,” said Alfred.

Up on top of the turret, Nancy was really getting into her performance.

“Hark you, Guildenstern, and you too, at each ear a hearer – that great baby you see there is not yet out of his swaddling-clouts,” she said in a deep voice while making many hand gestures.

One of Adam’s gang called out to her from the crowd. “What are you supposed to be, a gargoyle?”

Nancy’s face grew red, but she continued, “Happily, he is the second time tome to them, for they say an old man is twice a child.”

Another gang member yelled, “Hey, maybe if we’re lucky, lightning will strike and shut her up!”

Nancy took a deep breath and kept going, though her cheeks were very pink now. “I will prophesy he cometh to tell me of the players; mark it.”

The first gang member hooted, “What is this junk?”

Nancy finally stopped and screamed, “It’s Hamlet, you little moron.”

Just then the Burger Castle float took a sudden jolt and died. As Alfred stared in perplexity, bubbles started coming out of the engine.

The Patty Cakes float passed them on the left. As it went by Adam grinned at Freddy. Adam called out, “Oh, and just so you know, any float that doesn’t pass by the reviewing stand is automatically disqualified.”

Alfred and Freddy looked at the engine. Alfred snagged one of the floating bubbles and took a sniff. “It seems that someone poured a bottle of shampoo into our gas tank,” he said.

Freddy looked back at Chief Spanker. That bottle he’d been holding!

Adam yelled, “So long, loser!”

“What’s going on, Dad?” asked Nancy.

“I’m working on it, Nanny Boo-Boo.”

“For the last time, it’s Nancy! Now where was I? Oh, right. ‘O Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou!’”

“Treasure this,” called out one of the Spanker gang as he nailed Nancy with a soggy tomato, right in the nose.

Freddy watched as his sister was getting bombarded, as his father worked on the sabotaged gas tank, and as the Spanker float drew ahead of them while the crowd cheered. It would be over for the Burger Castle. They would have to leave Pookesville. The Spankers would win.

And yet right in the middle of it all something clicked in Freddy’s big brain. The fight was not over yet. He grabbed his father’s walkie-talkie from the tractor cab and raced to the float.