Fries Alive

CHAPTER5

By the time they got back to the barn that was on top of Freddy’s secret lab the storm had passed and the day was turning warm and sunny. Reminding the Fries to stay hidden in the barn, the boys left to go home and get ready for school.

The Fries did keep their word about staying out of sight – until Wally got hungry and slipped outside to look for food, only to fall asleep. That wouldn’t have been a big problem except that Nancy Funkhouser, who’d left school early that day because she said she wasn’t feeling well, chose that time to slink out of bed and go swimming in the small pond near Freddy’s secret laboratory.

After she finished her swim, Nancy decided to pick some flowers while she dried off. Next to Freddy’s lab there was a whole bunch of pretty ones. One by one she plucked them – reds and yellows and blues and – and then she saw a fat purple one. And it had five toes attached to it! She touched it and it moved. She jumped back. She touched it again and it moved again, and then she thought she heard a giggle.

“Who’s that?” she said in a frightened voice.

Wally sat straight up from where he had been taking a nap in the flowers.

“It’s me, Wally,” he boomed out. Then he looked panicked. “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to let you see me. But since you’re here, do you have anything to eat?” He grabbed the flowers she was holding and swallowed them. “Nice appetizer. Can I see the dinner menu now?”

A screaming Nancy ran off so fast her red hair stuck straight out behind her; it looked like her head was on fire.

That scared Wally so badly he took off running too, and ran right into the barn door and knocked himself out. He lay on the ground, a great big purple blob.

The other Fries peeked out of the barn and saw Nancy running off.

“My educated opinion,” said Theodore, “is that we have been discovered.”

“I bet they’ll come and eat us,” added Meese sadly. “And I just got my name too. Even if nobody will ever remember it.”

“We have to hide,” squeaked Ziggy.

“I bet we’ll find a great place to hide,” responded Si. “A super-duper swello one. Right, Meese?”

“We’re all doomed,” replied Meese gloomily. “We’ll be crushed to bits. We probably only have seconds to live. Oh, well – it’s not like anyone will miss me.”

“Yeah, but they’ll miss me. I’m a real fun guy to be around,” exclaimed Si. “And if you go down, I go down.”

At that moment, Curly uncoiled himself so he was about twelve feet tall. He saw the two people coming over the hill. He tapped Theodore on the shoulder.

“Ohboygottamovefastpeoplecoming,” he mumbled hurriedly.

“Let’s expedite our removal from these environs with all due haste,” ordered an alarmed Theodore.

“NO TIME FOR THAT, LET’S RUN!” shouted Wally, who had woken up and heard Curly.

The Fries shot into the woods in such a blur of color that they looked like a running rainbow.

Minutes later, Nancy came sprinting up holding a large frying pan in one hand and a can of bug killer in the other. Her father came puffing up behind her. His head and hands were bandaged. “Okay, Nanny Boo-Boo, where are they, whatever they are?”

She sputtered, “They – it – that thing was right here. Right here!” She swung her frying pan around, and sprayed the bug spray. The only thing that did was to scare off a bunch of butterflies.

“Now stop that, dear, you’ll hurt yourself.”

Nancy kept swinging and spraying. “Me hurt myself? You blew yourself up again. You know, Dad, most people make waffles without a steam iron and a blowtorch.”

“How very unexciting. Now what was it you saw again?”

“A huge purple blobby thing. It was deeessssggusting, it really was. It had toes. And a big purple tongue. And two beady little purple eyes. And it spoke to me. It said its name was Wally.”

“That’s nice,” her father began, and then he stopped abruptly. “I thought you were sick in bed. What were you doing out here?”

“Why, of course I’m sick,” Nancy said as she quickly tried to think of something. “That’s why I believed I saw a purple fry, which of course is silly. I better go and lie down. I’m feeling faint.” She dropped the frying pan and bug spray, put her hand to her forehead, and started spinning around. “Everything’s getting dizzy and dark, Dad. I think it’s my time, my time to go to the great hereafter.” She started shivering. “So cold, so cold.” She dropped to her knees and started to moan. “Are you still there, Dad? It’s okay if you’re not. I can die all alone. Really. Oh, E.T. phone home, one last time, E.T., one final time,” she said tearfully. She swooned three times, gave a little gasp, clutched her chest, and then fell to the grass and lay still.

Her father stared down at her, rubbing his sharp chin. “You probably just caught a bug. I’m going to give you a big spoonful of my special medicine. I just made a fresh batch out of rutabagas and extract of poppy seed oil with a pinch of jalapeno and just a dab of limburger cheese to open your sinuses. It’s a wonderfully wondrous concoction. And not only does it make me feel better, but I can also see out the back of my head, which is quite useful actually for a parent.”

Nancy sat up and looked terrified. “No, Dad, please! Remember the last time? My hair hasn’t grown all the way back, and one ear’s still bigger than the other.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve worked those bugs out. You know that safety comes first with me.”

Nancy looked at her dad’s bandaged head and hands and muttered, “Right.”

As they walked off she said to herself, “I just know this is all Freddy’s doing. And I’m so going to get him back. Freddy Funkhouser, you are like sooooo in trouble.”