From Rags

CHAPTER FOUR

All of three seconds had passed since Connor brought the Ferrari Test Driving Car to a halt on the empty test-track circuit and the very thing that he had been trying to gain a reprieve from for even just a short time came rushing back to the forefront of his mind. Jaxx.

Nothing had succeeded in making him numb from the frustration and confusion that came with the fact that she hadn’t phoned him. Granted it had only been four days since he had left a message on her machine, but he knew she was in London so she would have heard his message by now. Jaxx didn’t play games or make people sweat or put them on hold. That meant that she had either changed dramatically over the years into a creature that more resembled her sister or she simply did not wish to see him.

That’s fine, the proud side of him thought.

But it wasn’t fine. How could it be fine when one of the very few people in the world you had ever cared for suddenly didn’t want to know you? And it wasn’t just anyone, it was Jaxx – the only person he had ever valued, ever trusted, ever let his guard down for after what happened with his biological family.

And then you left and never went back to her, a voice inside him whispered.

Was that what this was about? Fuck, she could never imagine how difficult it had been to leave her that day. He had felt like he was abandoning her. And when he had looked at her puffy eyelids, her forced smile and her wobbling chin it had immediately made him think of when his mother had dumped him and walked away. Suddenly, he had felt no better than that cold-hearted bitch.

Promising Jaxx that he would go back to see her had been wrong and stupid; it had been the only time in his life when he had ever told someone what they wanted to hear. For his own reasons he had stayed away, reminding himself that she had Roland and Leah. She wouldn’t be alone, wouldn’t have to know what ‘alone’ felt like.

He left the cockpit and removed his helmet. Circling his head on his shoulders, he groaned. His Saturdays were usually spent on his aerobic conditioning. His physical fitness was imperative; only during a marathon did a person’s heart rate go high for such a long time. Normally on Saturdays he would either go swimming or running or cycling. But today he had needed greater speeds. Speed was his tonic. Always had been. When he was driving at 200mph and hitting forces of more than 5G, he actually felt at peace. Because they were the moments when he actually felt in control of his life. Even cramped, boiling hot, having his movements constricted by straps around the crotch and chest while his heartbeat reached about 170 per hour and his blood pressure could increase up to 50%, Connor never experienced a more undiluted sense of freedom.

Also, with his concentration solely on steering the race car, all his senses at their peak alertness, that was a time when Connor could totally and utterly shove all other thoughts away. Even Jaxx. But only for a short while, it turned out. His mind was now again hooked on trying to work out her sudden indifference to him. And he was pissed off no end.

Maybe he should just let it go and continue to stay away. It was obviously what she wanted. Maybe he should just be content enough with knowing that she was doing well, that she was happy. What else was there to know anyway?

Fuck. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do that, just as he knew deep down that it was reasons other than curiosity that made him want to see her. If he didn’t have to go to the charity event later tonight, he might have found himself hunting her down to demand to know what her problem was. He would give her until the morning; if she still hadn’t responded to his message by then she would find that the next one wasn’t so friendly.

It was as Jaxxon hopped into the long, white limo that she realised why Ollie had caved so easily about her taking Anna as her guest to the event. Sitting there looking equally surprised were Bruno and Chris, both looking very smart and appealing, and yet her body was not at all interested. She was concerned that she might be turning into a eunuch.

“Oh my God,” gasped Anna, surprised but delighted. “You never said we were going out as a foursome.” She gave the Latino looking Chris her best flirtatious smile.

“I take it this is Ollie’s doing,” said Bruno, grinning and running his hand through the sandy hair that tickled his cheekbones. Shame it hadn’t been Jaxxon’s doing, he thought.

Jaxxon sighed. “Apparently he didn’t like that we hadn’t all paired up so decided to take matters into his own hands. Crafty sod.”

“Do we tell the driver to stop?” asked Chris, wondering whether Jaxxon would be annoyed enough to chuck him out if he didn’t offer in advance.

She thought about it for a moment. “I say we just forget about pleasing everyone else and sweating about what the tabloids might print and just go there as the mates that we are.”

“I’d go for that,” said Bruno. As much as he would have liked there to have been more between him and Jaxxon – who wouldn’t? – he’d heard her tell Anna often enough that she wasn’t interested in getting involved with anyone just yet. He understood. She needed time to get her head around all the changes that were suddenly happening in her life.

“Same here,” said Chris. He noticed the hurt on Anna’s face. “You should probably know that I’m gay.”

Her eyes almost popped out of their sockets. “Wow, really?”

Bruno saw that Jaxxon and Anna were now giving him an odd look which he easily deciphered. He quickly lifted his friends up, palms out. “No, me and Chris aren’t a couple. Just mates. And when I say mates, I mean friends. As it happens, I’m hoping to corner my ex. She’s been texting me and phoning me the past couple of weeks talking about us getting back together. She doesn’t know I’m coming tonight.”

“I’m hoping to find myself a nice, rich actor,” sighed Anna dreamily.

“That won’t happen unless you learn not to faint when they get near you,” Jaxxon told her. Anna always became very intimidated in the presence of celebrities.

Anna bounced in her seat. “I know, I know, but I just get all tongue-tied and it’s like the blood just leaves my head.”

“In Bruno’s case, the blood all rushes to a particular body part, giving him the hard-on from hell,” chuckled Chris.

“I don’t know what you’re laughing at,” spat Bruno. “You’re as bent as a boomerang and yet you only ever seem to attract women.”

“What’s with the stubbly face?”

Bruno scratched his chin self-consciously. “Just thought I’d try out the rough look.”

“You’re not pulling it off. You’re face…it’s too pretty.”

“Pretty?”

“Boys, boys,” soothed Jaxxon. “We’re here.”

The venue – a five-star hotel – was huge and impressive, Jaxxon noted as they all hopped out of the limo and into the lights of dozens of flashing cameras. Again Jaxxon got that sense of not belonging. Never would she have imagined setting foot in a place like this. Just like she never would have imagined being asked for autographs or photographs – mostly, though, being renowned for telling people to sod off meant that she didn’t get too much of that. It was something that she suspected would always feel weird to her, just like the special treatment she received and the invites to parties of celebs who she’d never even met. More shocking was that she’d actually been asked to feature on a reality T.V. programme, to go to various castings, and been asked several times for interviews. Ollie and Richie didn’t mind so much that she refused; they thought it went in her favour that she was mostly a mystery. Besides, she was busy enough already – another thing Ollie and Richie liked.

What did Jaxxon like the most about her new life? Not the attention or the fancy car or the designer clothes or the constant mingling with celebs. It was the financial security; the fact that she didn’t have to fret every day about whether she’d make her rent money or afford enough food to last the week. What’s more, not only did she feel as though she was finally in control of the direction her life was taking, but her life was actually taking a direction instead of her just plodding along. She was still adjusting to that, but it was an adjustment she was gladly making.

Still, though, a conflicting cocktail of emotions assailed her; awe at the grandness before her, awkwardness at entering this other world, and also dread at having to be around people who were for the most part condescending to her. It wasn’t the fact that they were celebs that had Jaxxon rumpled, it was the judgmental looks and the smiles that were so sickly sweet they were simultaneously acidic. Where Jaxxon had grown up, if you had something to say you said it. In this world, it was all indirect insults and whispering behind your back. Groan! Not that everyone was like that, but the ones who were just grated on her nerves. Jaxxon swore that she would never allow herself to become so used to luxury and money that she was snobby and narrow-minded.

Basking in the attention, Anna took her time heading through the break in the gang of reporters, posing and smiling and blowing kisses. Chris waved like he was royalty. Bruno just nodded and smiled with his hands tucked in his pockets. Jaxxon might have given a fleeting wave if the lights weren’t getting on her bloody nerves. It occurred to her that the frustration would leak into her eyes and give the reporters what they wanted so at least Ollie and Richie would be happy with any photographs printed.

The questions being yelled were just as frustrating; were she and Bruno an item? Would she care to comment on the rumors about her and Matt? Who designed her dress and where was it flown in from?

Jaxxon groaned aloud. “What’s the point in answering any of your questions when you’ll only print whatever you want anyway!?” She had meant it as an insult but it seemed they all thought it was rather funny.

As soon as they stepped inside and Jaxxon realised how huge the place was and how many celebrities were about, she reached for a very nervous Anna. “You’ll be fine.”

“My God, Jaxxon, there’s Stuart Nolan!”

And so it begins, thought Jaxxon.

After they had each been greeted by the celeb host, Bruno went off searching for his ex and Chris went off to find himself some meat for the evening – as he so oddly put it. Jaxxon and Anna tried the ‘mingling’ thing but soon names and faces became blurry and Jaxxon felt dizzy with it all. The attention was unreal; it was as though every move she made was watched, every word she said examined, every expression she wore scrutinised. And then there were the randy bastards who kept giving her tits-to-toes inspections then glaring into her eyes. Just goes to show oddballs are everywhere. Mostly Jaxxon just glided through the crowds murmuring soothing words to Anna who was by that point almost bouncing off the walls with excitement. “Christ, Anna, breathe. You’re going to hyperventilate.”

“I’m sorry but it’s just so…wow. Aren’t you even a little bit excited? I mean come on, Jaxxon, you’ve had enough celebs flirting with you like crazy and haven’t even blushed.”

“Anna, they’re just people. Same as you and me. Just because I get to occasionally see them on the big platinum box in my apartment doesn’t mean they deserve to be worshipped like gods. Granted, most of them have worked hard to get where they are but so do plenty of other people and just because their job doesn’t get them on the big box doesn’t mean they’re worth any less than anyone here, does it?”

Anna inhaled a long breath, steadying herself. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I shouldn’t let them scare me.”

“No you shouldn’t.”

“They’re just people, same as us.”

“Exactly.”

“Oh my God! Isla Merrick and Jonathan Griffith are on their way over!”

Jaxxon groaned. Starry-eyed Anna was back.

“The face of Allure,” drawled the curvy auburn-haired actress.

Jaxxon resisted the urge to scowl; Isla’s greeting had been pleasant but there was a clear undercurrent of that good ole condescension. The tall, immaculately groomed film producer wore a flirtatious grin that topped anything she had ever seen before now. Instead of it making her blood rush, it made her skin crawl.

“Jaxxon, isn’t it?” he asked.

She nodded then gestured to the giddy girl beside her. “This is Anna Lawson.”

Isla and Jonathan both smiled at her, deepening Anna’s blush until her face glowed like a neon sign.

“My God,” said Anna, “I’m a massive fan. Of both of you.”

Isla peered around and then zoomed in on Jaxxon. “Looks like you lost that model boyfriend of yours.”

“Can’t lose what you don’t have.”

“Oh, you two aren’t a couple then?” asked Jonathan.

“Mates.”

Isla looked at her with (false) sympathy. “Don’t take it too much to heart that he’s not looking for more than friendship with you.”

Jaxxon had to again resist scowling; Isla knew that was not what she had meant.

“Move on to different pastures,” continued Isla. “They might not be greener but there’s no dignity in chasing after someone who isn’t interested, is there?”

Anna gasped. “It’s not Bruno, it’s Jaxxon. She’s always getting the come-on from blokes but she’s too picky.”

It was said with such affection that, even in this situation, Jaxxon found herself smiling.

“You know what they say,” began Isla, “beggars can’t be -”

“It won’t work, you know,” said Jaxxon in a bored, flat tone. “Trying to make me feel small…It won’t work. I feel sorry for you if you have to put other people down to make yourself feel big.” Isla guffawed but Jaxxon could tell that her directness had put Isla out of her comfort zone.

“Sweetheart, if you’re such a sensitive person then fame really isn’t for you.”

“Sensitive?” Jaxxon smiled. “No. You see the thing is, sweetheart, unless insults come from someone who I care about then I really couldn’t give a shit about their opinion. It’s the fact that you’re trying so hard to get at me that I don’t like. If you can’t handle frankness, then having a conversation with me really isn’t for you.”

Merely a second after her last word was said a tingly feeling spread down Jaxxon’s spine and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. Someone was staring, and staring hard. There was nothing about it that felt threatening, it was just intense. She resisted the urge to look; if she’d managed to land herself an extremely intense admirer then she didn’t want to give him any encouragement.

Just as Jaxxon was about to drag Anna away, her attention was snagged by the loud snickering of a dark-skinned, busty woman who was shrugging her way through the crowd. Jaxxon recognised her to be a chat-show host.

“Well if it isn’t Crystal Marsden.” Isla’s smile was deceivingly friendly.

Crystal halted in her stride and glared at the actress. “Don’t bother, I don’t have time for backstabbing overactors, or” – she looked at Jonathan – “failing producers, or” – she switched her attention to Anna – “little -”

“Hey,” snapped Jaxxon. “Not a word about her.”

Crystal inhaled sharply, a look of surprise on her face. “I’m supposed to bow down to the face of Allure, am I?”

“I don’t care whether you bow, clap or flip me off. But you leave Anna be.”

Scrutinsing Jaxxon with her eyes, Crystal placed her hands on her hips. “You know what they say – you can pamper a poodle, but it will still be a dog.”

Jaxxon was pretty sure she had never heard anyone say that before. As backward insults went, that one was crap, but whatever. “If that’s the best you’ve got in your locker your imagination can’t be up to much.”

“Face of Allure you might be, but remember this: you’ll always be a product of the failed social system.”

Jaxxon pinned the much-too-talkative snotty cow with a glare that she knew had to be shimmering with all the exasperation she was feeling. She guessed it was the same look that Richie, Ollie and Tony claimed put people in a thrall because the snob seemed mesmerised. Good, at least she would definitely be listening. “Here’s something for you to remember; you might have been born into money, but you came out of a vagina the same as everyone else. Popping out of one that’s rich doesn’t make you anything but lucky, or susceptible to being stuck up your own arse. Whichever.” With that, Jaxxon pulled Anna further into the crowd. Again her spine tingled and the skin of her back was almost burning. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could resist swerving around to see who the hell was staring.

“Bloody women,” grumbled Bruno as he very abruptly appeared at their side. “No offense,” he added quickly.

“What’s up?” asked Jaxxon.

“My ex.”

“She didn’t come,” guessed Anna, her voice sympathy itself.

“Oh she’s here alright. With someone else.” Anna gasped. Jaxxon winced. “They’re looking really cozy.”

“Maybe you should talk to her,” said Anna. “It might just be for show – you know, like Ollie wanted you and Jaxxon to play up to the rumors.”

“I thought of that, but after talking to her I learnt that it’s no so innocent at all.”

“Boyfriend?” guessed Anna.

“Fiancée.”

Again Anna gasped as Jaxxon winced. Jaxxon knew from experience that finding out someone you cared about actually cared for someone else…it was like being gutted.

“You can’t let her see she’s got to you like this,” insisted Anna. “Her or him.”

“I agree,” he said.

Anna spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. “You should find yourself a beautiful girl in here and flirt outrageously with her right under your ex’s nose. Show her she’s not the center of your world.”

“I was thinking exactly the same thing.” He cast a glance at Jaxxon, his expression a plea.

Jaxxon understood immediately. “You want to use me to make her jealous?”

“I just don’t think it’s fair to use someone who doesn’t know that I don’t really have any intention of acting on what -”

“I get it, I get it.” Jaxxon sighed. “Well I am pretty bored…”

Instantly Bruno threw an arm around her, but it was an embrace full of gratitude. Jaxxon managed to refrain from wincing at the physical contact. “So, I’m thinking that we basically just keep murmuring in each other’s ears and laugh now and then at absolutely nothing…?”

Anna giggled. “You two look so cute.”

The first thing Connor had felt on spotting her was shock. It was not at all an easy thing to shock someone who had seen the unexpected so many times in his life. It had just never occurred to him to even wonder if Jaxx would be at the event. He’d have to get used to the fact that she was now part of the celebrity world. A world that had him gritting his teeth and rolling his eyes a lot of the time.

It was an instinctive reaction to want to go to her, but he’d resisted – taking a moment to drink her in as she talked with that pain-in-the-arse actress and producer. Gorgeous. Entrancing. In that dress and with her hair gathered up, tendrils dangling around her shoulders, she had almost every bloke admiring her. Not that she noticed. So she still didn’t see how attractive she was. Still didn’t realise what she did to people. In Connor’s opinion, with her unique appearance and her incredible inner strength, there was no one to equal her.

Mine.

The thought came from nowhere and everywhere. He shrugged it away, wondering what was wrong with him. He wanted her, yeah, but only in the physical sense. In which case he had to ask himself how he could honestly have thought that he could have met up with her as a mate and expected not to want a little more. He didn’t have an answer. Apparently his brain was a bit scrambled tonight.

Just as he had been about to approach her, a bloke had appeared who was now touching and whispering to her. A feeling so black and unfamiliar that he didn’t at first recognise it travelled through his veins like wildfire – jealousy. He tried to shake off that odd feeling but couldn’t. At that moment he didn’t know what he wanted to do more; yell at her or fuck her within an inch of her life. He supposed that his anger over the situation was hypocritical considering that he hadn’t come alone either, but this intense feeling of possessiveness had driven out all rational thought.

Almost as if she had felt Connor’s gaze boring into her, Jaxx turned her head. The second her eyes met his, a raging need slammed into him with the force of a freight train. What passed between them as their eyes locked was a frighteningly fierce and primitive need. He felt stripped bare under that powerful, smoldering glare, but he didn’t try to hide anything; not even his feelings of possessiveness or jealousy. He doubted that he could have anyway, it was all too potent.

He picked up on her surprise, and something he hadn’t expected to see: anger. There was something else as well but she had suppressed it too quickly for him to process it. She was holding back? Oh she had a lot of explaining to do.

Neither Jaxxon nor Connor was aware that the people in close proximity to them were caught up in the spell as they watched the intense, silent exchange. They all felt much like voyeurs and yet were too mesmerised to look away. Cameras were soon clicking as the sexual tension just kept on increasing.

His eyes still holding hers, Connor slowly made his way toward Jaxx, doing his utmost best to contain his jealousy-induced-rage. He could have sworn she looked a little nervous for her ponce of a boyfriend. Good. So she remembered exactly what he liked to do to any male who went near her. On reaching her he stood still for a few seconds, just breathing in her amazing scent and enjoying the simple fact of being close to her. Then he leant in and gently kissed her cheek, not hesitating to invade her personal space; communicating to both her and her ponce that he had every right to. A small part of him pointed out that he actually didn’t have such a right, but again the possessiveness drove out the thought.

“Alright Jaxx,” he said in a low, intimate voice. He didn’t acknowledge the ponce or it would have given him the impression that Connor thought him important enough to notice.

Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Jaxxon inwardly moaned as a profound yearning rushed through her. Everything about the bloke was dark; his eyes, his hair, his masculinity. Still it all called to her. The good Lord had been having a very creative day when he made Connor McKenzie and, to her annoyance, she was more susceptible to his appeal now than what she was before. The young teenager in her who had been infatuated with him thrilled at his presence and wanted to fling herself in his arms. But Jaxxon quickly shut the door on that traitorous part of her and withstood the power of the caress in his voice, which was helped along by how annoyed she was that he spoke so intimately. It was a clear message to anyone close enough to hear that they were already well-acquainted. More specifically, it was designed to encourage Bruno to back off. “Connor,” she greeted simply.

Yes, she was angry, Connor realised. There was no hint of it on her face or in her tone, but it was made apparent by her indifferent reaction to him. A reaction he knew to be faked. Connor gave her a look that said she looked good, knowing better than to give her a verbal compliment as they made her feel uncomfortable. “How’ve you been?”

She shrugged a little. “Alright.”

Noticing that the ponce was still lingering too near her for his liking, Connor hovered over her a little, bringing them both into their own private cocoon. “I never thought you would ever be interested in modelling. You don’t even like cameras. But I can’t say I’m surprised that you’re good at it.”

“Thanks.” She wondered if Connor was aware that she knew what game he was playing. What she didn’t understand was why he was playing it. She didn’t need a big brother to chase away the boys anymore. Equally confusing was the undisguised lust in his eyes, a lust that had intensified with every step he had made towards her. The sexual tension was so thick it was almost visible. But it wasn’t real on his part, she knew that. Maybe he was still intent on playing his other game of leading her to believe he wanted her. The stupid sod obviously didn’t know that Leah had told her all about the two of them. And to act like this when he had a fiancée for God’s sake!

Her one-word answers were starting to rile him but Connor held himself in check. Clearly if he wanted to snap her out of her attempt at indifference he would have to skip straight to the point, give her a push. “I left you a message.”

“Yep.”

“You didn’t phone me back.”

“Nope.”

“Why?” She shrugged again. He allowed a small amount of his frustration to leak into his voice. “Jaxx, why?”

“I’m trying to make a fresh start, forget about my past. You’re part of that past.”

Connor smirked. “That’s bollocks.”

“What?”

“I said, that’s bollocks.” He only leant forward very slightly but the level of sexual tension rocketed. “You’ve never run away from what you’ve been through. If you don’t want to see me, you must have a reason for it.”

“Don’t think looming over me will intimidate me, McKenzie.”

He had to smile at that. She had often called him by his surname when he ticked her off. “Just tell me what I want to know, Carter.”

An outburst was on the tip of her tongue: ‘You want to know what reason I have for not wanting to see you? Take your pick – there’s the fake kiss, there’s what happened between you and Leah, there’s the fact that you have a fiancée, oh and let’s not forget that after you left and never came back everything went to shit and you weren’t there!’ But before she could say a word, a pale, slender arm threaded through Connor’s.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” said the tall, slim blonde to Connor, all the while looking at Jaxxon.

So this is the fiancée. Jaxxon waited for him to at least acknowledge the woman on his arm, maybe even introduce her – which would be painful, but she’d grin and bear it. Instead, he continued to stare at Jaxxon with questions in his eyes. She wanted to be away from both of them so she could alone enjoy the fantasy of slaughtering them in their sleep. However, because of Connor’s wild nature he had to be treated like a wild animal; never show them a sign of weakness or they’ll pounce. If she were to back away now after it was him who had entered her space, he would interpret that as her being intimidated and that would only encourage him. With anyone else it would be shocking that they would act like this with someone while their fiancée was stood there, but Connor wasn’t normal.

She suddenly wondered if he liked the idea of waving this woman under her nose. Bruno must have been thinking the same thing, or maybe it was that his ex was nearby, because he placed a gentle hand on her back. It felt supportive. Connor’s eyes tracked the movement and then suddenly he was nearer. “Any closer and you’ll be wearing my dress.”

He smiled but it wasn’t nice. “Nervous?”

Of course he made her nervous when he was like this! The man was a walking red button – push it and bad things happen. But she would never admit to her anxiety just as she would never admit that the closer he stood to her the harder it was to ignore the hunger she had for him. What concerned her the most was that there wasn’t just lust and agitation in his eyes now, there was darkness there. He was on his way to losing it. She spoke in a whisper. “Why are you really in my face like this? No way is it just because I didn’t phone you.”

How could Connor explain to her the muddled, intense emotions that were suddenly circulating through him when he didn’t even understand them himself? All he knew was that he needed the ponce away from her. Almost as if the silly twat was provoking Connor – or had a death wish – he whispered something into her ear. Connor couldn’t contain a growl.

Jaxxon swallowed her gasp. She felt Bruno stiffen. Shit, this could get out of hand very fast; she hadn’t seen Connor this territorial since that day she had been cornered at school by a gang of boys. Jaxxon very discretely used the hand at her side to lightly touch his fingers. “You need to go now,” she said calmly, trying to infuse that sense of calm into him. “Normally I wouldn’t give a shit where we argue but this is a charity event.”

Connor took a deep breath and shuddered. Her touch was like a drug. She was right, he needed to move away before he did something he wouldn’t necessarily regret but that would piss her off. “I won’t be far, Jaxx.” Just as discretely as she had been, he ran his fingertips along her sleek, outer thigh before, with extreme effort, tearing his eyes away from her and stalking off.

Anna’s mouth was still gaping open after having just watched from a front seat as the two alpha personalities clashed. Neither had shown any sign of submission or exhibited fear of the other. It was a match that might to anyone else have seemed hopeless, but Anna believed that if anyone could handle Jaxxon and her strong character, it was Connor McKenzie. A man-man. Once he was gone, the sexual tension quickly dissipated, but Anna noticed that Jaxxon’s agitation levels were so high that her frustration was almost pulsating in the air. There was one way that Anna could think of that would distract her best mate from everything else.