Further Confessions of a GP

Danni III

This time Danni had been beaten up. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, but today she seemed really shaken up by it.

‘I actually thought he was going to kill me, Dr Daniels. He had his hands around my neck and was throttling me like this.’ She mimed herself being strangled and I could see in her face how terrified she must have been.

‘Did you speak to the police?’

‘Well, I gave a statement, but they didn’t seem that bothered. He wasn’t a regular and I was so off my tits at the time I couldn’t really remember what he looked like to give a decent description.’

‘Why did he attack you?’

‘He paid for one thing and then wanted something extra thrown in for free. Got pissed off when I said no. Thing is, Dr Daniels, it doesn’t really have to be much of an excuse for some of these blokes. I see how they look at me, as if I’m not really human. The things they say can hurt even more than the punches sometimes.’

‘Well, I’ll document the injuries in case it does go to court.’

‘Okay, Doctor, but that’s not actually why I’m here.’

‘Oh?’

‘Well, this last beating really scared me. I genuinely thought that was it. As he was strangling me all I could think about was my kids.’

Danni paused for a bit and then looked me in the eye.

‘That moment was rock bottom for me and when I realised I wasn’t going to die, I thought, right, Danni, you’ve got a second chance here. A real chance to prove everyone wrong and show that you can get your life back on track.’

‘Fantastic, Danni! I’m really pleased you’re making a positive out of this.’

‘That’s where you come in, Doctor. You’ve always been kind to me and I need you to help me get my kids back.’

‘I’m not sure it’s that simple, Danni. It’s not me who makes that sort of decision.’

‘I know it won’t be easy, Doctor. The social workers never listen to me, but they’ll listen to you. If you can tell them that I’m coming off the game and off the smack then we can stop them putting my kids up for adoption.’

I had never met Danni’s children, but I had read her notes. They had been with her for a few years before being taken into care and from what I could gather being taken away from Danni was the best thing that had ever happened to them. They were thriving with a new foster family who were hoping to adopt them. They were settled in a new school and flourishing in an environment of security and stability that Danni could never offer them.

‘To be fair, Danni, how many times have you promised that you’re coming off the drugs before? You can see why the social workers might be dubious.’

‘It’s different this time. I love those kids. They’re mine. They had no right to take them away. Why won’t anyone believe me when I tell them that I love them?’

‘But it’s not enough just to love them, Danni.’

Danni was silent and I regretted my words.

‘So you think I’m a shit mum as well?’

‘It’s not that, I know you love your children, but kids need more than just to be loved. They need to grow up feeling safe and secure. They need routine and adults they can always rely on. I’m not saying that you won’t be able to offer them that one day, but I’m not sure you could right now.’

Danni looked really hurt. Filling up with tears she looked at me with venom.

‘I thought you were different, Dr Daniels, but you’re just like them. Judging me and making decisions about my life you’ve got no right to make.’

With that Danni was gone.

Danni was my patient and my duty of care was with her, but I couldn’t support her trying to take her children back. How I could I write a letter suggesting that they should leave their settled and happy life and be thrown back into the chaos that was Danni’s? Those children had a golden opportunity to break free from the cycle of misery that had engulfed Danni and I couldn’t endanger that. Maybe Danni could break free too. Maybe this time was different and she would turn her life around. Perhaps I’d got things completely wrong and Danni could become a fantastic mother? It was a risk I was going to have to take and although Danni feels let down by me right now, I hope that someday she’ll agree it was the right decision.