…According to urban legend, an old World War Two veteran was admitted to a London hospital with a live artillery shell lodged up his rectum. He had apparently been struggling with large haemorrhoids, the worst of which would hang down and get stuck on the seam of his underpants. In order to rectify this nuisance, the resourceful old chap would use an old artillery shell he had lying around to push the haemorrhoid back up into his rectum. This technique worked well for some time until the shell got stuck and he had to hobble to the local emergency department for it to be removed. It was only when the doctor was about to stick his fingers in the gent’s rectum to remove the shell that he casually mentioned that the shell was still live. Apparently the bomb squad were called and they constructed a protective lead box around his anus and then defused the shell while it was still up his bottom.
For most of us, the idea of placing any sort of foreign object up our anuses is objectionable, but it is in fact a surprisingly common A&E presentation. So much so these days that it may barely raise a snigger from your seasoned emergency medics. However, there is no getting away from the fact that everyday household items stubbornly wedged in a rectum make for fabulous X-rays. There was a time when copies of these precious X-ray films were kept hidden away in the secret drawer of the head radiologist, but with the advent of the internet, we are all now just a few clicks away from being able to enjoy their irresistible attraction. My personal favourites are:
1. A key (I’m always losing mine, but hopefully not there)
2. A torch
3. A mobile phone (apparently there were several missed calls before it was removed)
4. A jar of peanut butter
5. A handgun
6. A light bulb (like a eureka moment, but in reverse)
7. A pint glass
8. Cement (it went in as liquid, but didn’t stay that way for long)
9. A perfume bottle
10. A vibrator and a pair or salad tongs (when the vibrator got stuck, rather than bother the busy A&E staff the patient decided to remove the dildo himself using a pair of salad tongs… until these got stuck too!)